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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to sleep with my friend

55 replies

topherman · 06/02/2023 22:39

I share a 9 year old with my ex, we split when our daughter was only a few months old, however, were on and off for two years after the split.

During our on and off period, it came to light that a very good friend hit on my ex when she was very, very drunk. He rebuffed her advances but me and my friend didn't speak for two years.

After a while we began contact again and since I was over my ex by this time and so much alcohol was involved, I decided to forget about it and move on. We have had a great friendship since then, she really is a good friend, I trust her but not when she's had a drink, I would be weary of leaving her with my partner again drunk.

Anyway, me and my ex have a pretty good relationship now and tonight he was over having dinner with me and our daughter. Once daughter went to bed, he hung around and we were chatting. The conversation went like this -

Him - do you remember when Sarah (name change) came onto me?

Me - yeah?

Him - god I missed out on so many sexual opportunities because of you.

Me - okay, what are you saying? Do you wish you'd taken Sarah up on the offer?

Him - yeah of course, she's fit!

I was actually surprised of my reaction, I told him I found that such a disrespectful thing to say, had no idea why he would think I would want to know this information and I asked him to leave.

As he was leaving he was saying that he can't understand why I'm upset, she is attractive etc. and then started joking saying he could calm her down and don't I think he would make a good boyfriend for her?

I am disgusted to be honest and feeling angry at my friend all over again, which I know is irrational but I just feel like all the old emotions from when i first found out came back. He's basically said he regrets not cheating on me.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 07/02/2023 07:07

He's been tactless and is probably in touch with Sarah again, if not already sleeping with her.

The idea of not trusting Sarah around any partner is a bit silly though. She made a very drunken pass at your ex during an on/off phase in your relationship and now she's being held as some kind of temptress who's going to be after your men. It shouldn't matter if Sarah strips naked and offers them sex that second, they are capable of saying no.

readingismycardio · 07/02/2023 07:07

I wouldn't keep a friendship if that person was constantly getting drunk and "couldn't be trusted". I don't get drunk (as I'm an adult and I don't see it fit), but even it I did, I'd never hit on a friends ex.

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/02/2023 07:10

What an arse. Of course you miss out on other sexual opportunities when you’re in a monogamous relationship. That’s the deal. The fact he felt the need to point this out is so immature and self-involved.

liveforsummer · 07/02/2023 07:18

I'd bet that him and Sarah are already shagging and he's testing the water. Why else would he suddenly bring it up after all this time?

Original poster
topherman · 07/02/2023 07:41

I really doubt they're already in touch. I think sober, my friend would have no interest in him.

OP posts:
Killingmytime · 07/02/2023 07:42

do you mean she hit on your ex when you were together, or when your ex was actually your ex?
( I would have a problem with both) however there’s a difference and if an he were an ex when she did, is there a reason you wouldn’t trust her round the person you’re actually with?

I also feel Like this is strange.
either they are in contact/want to be together/or he’s really trying hard to mess with you for some reason.

Original poster
topherman · 07/02/2023 07:45

Killingmytime · 07/02/2023 07:42

do you mean she hit on your ex when you were together, or when your ex was actually your ex?
( I would have a problem with both) however there’s a difference and if an he were an ex when she did, is there a reason you wouldn’t trust her round the person you’re actually with?

I also feel Like this is strange.
either they are in contact/want to be together/or he’s really trying hard to mess with you for some reason.

We were off at that point but for months he would say things like, 'you cant trust all your friends' 'if only you knew what some of your friends were like' to the point I begged him to tell me what had happened.

It was still very early stages of our break up and my daughter was less than a year old. Also she has done this when drunk with other peoples boyfriends which is why I wouldn't trust her drunk.

OP posts:
TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 07/02/2023 09:16

Yes I thought my friend would have no interest in my husband either. In fact she was very disparaging about him and he wouldn't have been her type at all. I was very wrong.

Doowop1919 · 07/02/2023 09:19

YouWithoutEnd · 06/02/2023 23:42

Hang on a sec, are you sure it’s just a light hearted remark and that he and Sarah aren’t actually in touch again?

This was my thinking

AllOfThemWitches · 07/02/2023 09:19

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 06:47

Maybe he'd be a great partner for Sarah.

The way he talks, he’d only be a ’good’ partner to a sewer rat.

Bit unfair. Poor rat.

butterfliedtwo · 07/02/2023 09:20

Merryoldgoat · 06/02/2023 22:50

He’s a prick.

And your friend is no friend if you can’t trust her drunk.

Definitely this.

LolaSmiles · 07/02/2023 09:20

It was still very early stages of our break up and my daughter was less than a year old. Also she has done this when drunk with other peoples boyfriends which is why I wouldn't trust her drunk
It doesn't matter what she does when drunk. Men are responsible for their behaviour so not trusting her shouldn't come into it.

She sounds like a ridiculous drunk and I don't agree with her behaviour but the willingness of women to argue they don't trust other women around their men is worthy of an eye-roll. If a man strays it's because he chooses to, not because some temptress makes him stray.

Your ex sounds like he enjoyed gloating though and he's been trying to get a rise our of you, which isn't nice.

Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2023 09:21

It was still very early stages of our break up and my daughter was less than a year old. Also she has done this when drunk with other peoples boyfriends which is why I wouldn't trust her drunk.

You shouldn’t trust her at all.

dustydewdrop · 07/02/2023 09:23

Bluebellysmell · 06/02/2023 23:15

Any chance he's started talking to your friend recently and this is him testing the water as to how you'd react?

That’s my thinking.

Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2023 09:23

It doesn't matter what she does when drunk. Men are responsible for their behaviour so not trusting her shouldn't come into it.

and this is also true.

Shes untrustworthy and not worthy of your friendship but it’s not up to her to police your partners. I had a friend come on to my DH when drunk.

He told her to leave him alone, removed himself and told me immediately even though she begged him not to.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 09:23

Yanbu.

I thought you were going to say he wanted to ask her out now, and was kinda asking for your blessing.

But why tell you "I'm so sad I didn't cheat on you more?"

mrsbrownhat · 07/02/2023 09:31

StClare101 · 07/02/2023 00:54

But is it actually any of your business? He’s been your ex for nine years!

He sounds like a knob but whatever he’s not your problem is he?

This!

What business is it of yours who he or your friend shags???

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 10:13

AllOfThemWitches · 07/02/2023 09:19

Bit unfair. Poor rat.

Show quote history

🤣🤣

Laserbird16 · 07/02/2023 10:27

You should thank the gods you're no longer with him.

I'd reduce your contact with him further so you don't have to hear (what should be) his inner monologue about how he is God's gift to women and Sarah would still be bang up for it with him 9 years later and not drunk. Yeah right mate, good luck with that.

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 12:15

So your ex did taunt you re your friend coming on to him. Not a good guy. What are you going to do now Op?

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2023 12:19

StClare101 · 07/02/2023 00:54

But is it actually any of your business? He’s been your ex for nine years!

He sounds like a knob but whatever he’s not your problem is he?

This. How long does a relationship have to be over? I’m pretty sure none of my exes gave a toss who I fucked nine years down the line.

Thelnebriati · 07/02/2023 13:12

OP I think you are YANBU to be upset over him taunting you, his disrespectful comments about you preventing him from shagging around, and your friends disloyalty.
I don't think he is the nice friendly guy you seem to think he is, and Sarah is no friend of yours.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 13:16

You'd probably have had a completely different reaction if he hadn't been so scummy about the way he went around raising the conversation.

It sounds like he's trying to make you jealous and/or thinking with his dick than anything else.

Staplesonstamps · 31/05/2023 18:49

StellaGibson2022 · 07/02/2023 00:42

He’s testing the water… pound to a penny he is already in touch with Sarah.

With his knob.

HRTQueen · 31/05/2023 19:00

He is reminding you of your place ….

and that is to feel insecure it makes him feel better