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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent my mother for making comments like this

52 replies

Litwickletty · 06/02/2023 21:11

Just to preface - I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and she is the most lovely grandmother.

However, I have been feeling resentful lately of how she judges me for disciplining my children. When my oldest child misbehaves I restrict his use of the television, etc. My mother hears this and starts making comments about how she feels so sorry for him, etc. Huffing and puffing about how harsh I am towards him.

I feel so resentful because when I was the same age and misbehaved, she used to send my dad to smack us. Nevermind, just turning the TV off for a couple of hours.

I would never say this to her face, as she would be so upset that I felt that way but I just wanted to have a rant on here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Litwickletty · 06/02/2023 21:12

Just to add - if she heard me ordering my husband to go and smack our children, she would likely be screaming and calling ss. 🙄

OP posts:

SisterCassandra · 06/02/2023 21:18

You say you have a wonderful relationship but actually doesn’t sound that wonderful to me. You should be able to talk about things like this! She shouldn’t be interfering with your disciplinary methods, which actually sound pretty mild. Having said that do you think she’s implying you are especially harsh on your oldest child? I do think sometimes we expect more from our firstborns. Could there be any truth in that in your situation?

Original poster

Litwickletty · 06/02/2023 21:23

Am I harsh? I thought I was pretty easygoing. Not having the TV for a couple of hours I'd as harsh as I get.

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 06/02/2023 21:25

I think next time say well it's not as harsh as getting Dad to smack me like you used to and I am sure DC will get over it

Kanaloa · 06/02/2023 21:28

Why would you never say it to her? I would have said ‘what do you mean harsh? You used to send your adult husband to hit us as small kids! Don’t be so stupid.’

I think you’re allowing her to rewrite history to bully you, but you don’t have to. Why on earth would you stand there and let her do that?

Kanaloa · 06/02/2023 21:28

And I don’t think you need to martyr yourself because she’ll be ‘so upset.’ Why should you be upset so she isn’t upset?

user1473878824 · 06/02/2023 21:29

Isn’t that the whole thing of being a grandparent though? You get to hand them back so suddenly you’re the most easy going person on the planet!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 06/02/2023 21:30

Sounds like your dm needs a reality check about your childhood. Why not call her out on it op? She may shut her trap about your parenting...
She is bloody lucky she is allowed in yuri dc's lives.
My dm was awful. She isn't in our lives now.

Cyclebreaker · 06/02/2023 21:33

I actually think your mother sounds horrible. She encouraged your father to abuse you. That's revolting. She is critical of your parenting, not because she cares about her gc, but because shes toxic. Perhaps this is the start of an awakening for you. I really do not think these events have happened in isolation.

LightDrizzle · 06/02/2023 21:34

Does she make these comments within earshot of your children? If so it’s serious, as children pick up on things like that and could easily buy into the idea of you being unfairly harsh “even grandma thinks so” and that is very damaging.

Even if not, you have to weather her tantrum and tell her to stop and definitely bring up her sending your father to hit you.

She is undermining your parenting and that’s not good for your children.

purplefacemask · 06/02/2023 21:46

Why do you have a lovely relationship with someone who wanted you physically abused?
Why can't you tell her that she's being ridiculous?
Why are you afraid of her?

CrystalCoco · 06/02/2023 21:50

Another vote for a reality check, it'll sting her if you say it, but tbh I think there's too much re-writing of history goes on and 'that generation' seem to think we've forgotten how they treated us when we were children.

ScreamingInfidelities · 06/02/2023 21:53

Another voting for you to speak up. You ont need to be super harsh about it but you can make your point. “Harsh, really? If I’d done that as a child you would’ve told dad to smack me!”

Theunamedcat · 06/02/2023 21:56

My mom got pissed one day and began mocking how I was raising my daughter saying I had "rules" for everything and I was FAR TOO STRICT my aunts were impressed I actually had rules and pointed out to my mother that dd was very well behaved she got more acid toned saying dd had to be because of my RULES they said well it could be worse she could be hitting her thing is my mom was a hitter as was my father the worst thing that happened to my daughter was she had to sit out until she had settled down or she had to hold my hand my moms discipline meant bruises her opinion was "her way was faster" ffs

You can't change her mind

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/02/2023 21:58

It doesnt have to be a big confrontation or an argument. Just a 'mum are you going mad in your old age, you've completely forgotten you used to get dad to smack us! Surely missing a couple of hours tv is much less harsh? And while we're talking about this, do you mind not saying anything infront of him, as it makes him think he can argue back against punishments and he just ends up in more trouble. Thanks'

It is a bit strange how you say you've got a good relationship but seem scared of bringing up a minor issue. Is it you overthinking or does she take offence easily over minor issues (which is actually a form of manipulation)

havetochangethis · 06/02/2023 22:01

Your house, your rules - simple.

xJoy · 06/02/2023 22:02

I'd say it to her! ''better the tv off than having your father ordered to slap you though hey?!''

DarkDarkNight · 06/02/2023 22:05

I would absolutely say next time that it’s nowhere near as harsh as how you were punished as a child. I wouldn’t allow her to rewrite history and posit herself as a beacon of enlightenment when she was happy for a grown adult to hit you when you were a child.

I have had a not dissimilar conversation with my mum the other day when she called me childish for falling out with someone and not speaking. I said it was no wonder I struggled with relationships sometimes and found it hard not to go to a default of silent treatment when I grew up watching the most dysfunctional marriage where screaming arguments and then silent treatment and sulking for weeks was the norm.

UdoU · 06/02/2023 22:08

Your relationship with your mum is messed up. She doesn’t sound lovely at all.

Tell her about what she used to do to you, don’t protect her.

UWhatNow · 06/02/2023 22:12

My DM was a strict disciplinarian when I was a child but felt sad if I raised my voice to mine. It’s not being judgey though, people are generally softer with their GC than they were as parents. Don’t take it personally, it’s just because she dotes on your kids. She doesn’t have the same responsibilities. It’s not deep, just a grandparent quirk.

Sleeptightnightlight · 06/02/2023 22:20

user1473878824 · 06/02/2023 21:29

Isn’t that the whole thing of being a grandparent though? You get to hand them back so suddenly you’re the most easy going person on the planet!

This certainly seems to be the case with my parents. The other day my mum gave my toddler DD some stickers and started encouraging her to put them on a piece of our living room furniture - DH intervened and said no stickers on the furniture thanks and gave DD a list of places she could put the stickers (i.e her own room/toys/clothes). My mum acted like we were really up-tight and joyless, and I just said 'Can you imagine how you'd have reacted if I'd put stickers on your living room furniture as a kid!' She tried to bluster and say it was different. Complete nonsense.

I don't know if they genuinely don't remember how they were as parents, or they are just desperately trying to be more laid back/cool now.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 06/02/2023 22:23

I think you should speak up.

Your mum has no qualms in challenging your parenting (by depriving screen time; hardly torture 🙄) so she'd be a complete hypocrite to be upset about you challenging her parenting, especially when it involved her pushing for you to be physically abused.

A quick "pipe down mum, a couple of hours without screens is hardly the same as sending a small child to be smacked by a grown man like you used to do to me." should cover it.

Times may have changed in terms of what people deemed "acceptable" discipline, but the physical beating of a child is never right, if she's not been told that before, it's about time she was now.

AlbertaAnnie · 06/02/2023 22:23

Tell her what you just wrote on here

StaunchMomma · 06/02/2023 23:03

I get this with my Nan and my son. She literally broke sticks on my uncles but gets cross at me for threatening my son with no x box for a day!

She also has a habit of being really OTT and using emotional blackmail on the rare occasion she tells him off herself. Last week she literally told my 9 year old that he 'would make Mummy ill' if he back chatted me!! I shut it down straight away and explained that that was not true and he shouldn't worry about it.

I mean, honestly!

They must realise that parenting has moved on a tad since their day and that we do not have hitting in our arsenal nowadays, thank God! They just seem so set in their ways.

Like you said, though, your Mum is lovely, as is my Nan. Yes, it can be irritating, but they are minor things, in the grand scheme.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 06/02/2023 23:19

You should tell her how you feel. If she's upset, tough.

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