To resent my mother for making comments like this

[Litwickletty]

Just to preface - I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and she is the most lovely grandmother.

However, I have been feeling resentful lately of how she judges me for disciplining my children. When my oldest child misbehaves I restrict his use of the television, etc. My mother hears this and starts making comments about how she feels so sorry for him, etc. Huffing and puffing about how harsh I am towards him.

I feel so resentful because when I was the same age and misbehaved, she used to send my dad to smack us. Nevermind, just turning the TV off for a couple of hours.

I would never say this to her face, as she would be so upset that I felt that way but I just wanted to have a rant on here.

Nope you need to remind her of her method and TELL her if she wants to discuss yours it shouldn’t be in front of your children. What a cheek!

Why can't you mention the past to her? What do you think will happen if you do?

You're the parent now, you're in charge and she needs to respect that.

I agree with this.

I think it's a bit odd to expect someone to grandparent the way they parented at least twenty years ago. One, being a grandparent has no responsibility. Their job is supposed to be spoiling the DGCs and being a foil to the harshness of parents. Two, you'd hope they'd grown as people so wouldn't have the same responses.

Yy I can see why you'd notice the difference but I don't understand the resentment unless as a PP says, you don't actually have a great relationship with your parents and you've never addressed the fact they physically 'disciplined' you. But addressing that has no connection to them trying to be 'softer/nicer/spoil' your DCs.

I don't think the op (or anyone else) is expecting someone to grandparent the way they parented 20 years ago. They are expecting them to stop criticising the parent, which is not actually an essential part of grandparenting...

She isn’t lovely and you should absolutely confront her with her hypocrisy.

I’m a grandmother - and what your mother is doing is undermining your parenting. It doesn’t matter whether your child has heard the comments or not, at some stage they will. It actually doesn’t matter what she did to you as a child, the crux is that she’s showing no respect to you as the child’s parent. You have a choice, to put up with it or to set expectations. My opinion, if you don’t address it, the resentment will fester.

What your mum is doing is telling you you're wrong for absolutely no reason. Tell her how her parenting made you feel and tell her how her actions now are making you feel. If you can't tell your own mum how you feel then is that a great adult relationship? She can hurt your feelings but you can't hurt hers is that right?

Your mum is manipulative and controlling. She got your dad to do the dirty work, so she looked better than him. She encouraged you being assaulted. Now she diminishes you as a parent. She is not a great mum at all

Use your words and tell her she's being a hypocrite. It's not mean to have a truthful conversation with your own mother.

There’s an Italian Australian comedian who has a skit about how his parents changed their attitude to discipline once they had grandchildren. “We weren’t allowed in the good room. The grandchildren can eat in there!!”
Your mum is wrong to make comments. She should be respecting and supporting your parenting, and bitch about it behind your back if she needs to.
Maybe a response like “you do the thinking he’s the greatest kid in the world, I’ll do the discipline that helps make him that”.

When my mum used to occasionally raise her voice to us, my grandma would say oh don't shout at them, in a sad voice.
If I occasionally shouted at my kids, my mum would say oh don't shout at them, in a sad voice.
On the occasion that my daughter has shouted at her kids, I've said oh don't shout at them, in a sad voice.
Why? Because there's nothing like grandkids to pull at your heartstrings 😂

Why on earth don’t you remind her of what she did? I’d definitely say ‘No tv is better than sending DH to smack him like you used to’. She’s got a bloody cheek!

Your mother was complicit in abuse. I'm sorry OP. I hope your dad isn't allowed to be alone with DC?

What a witch.

Wow this really resonates with me.

My mom was awful to me, smacked me, she would call me fat & stupid in front of others, she would say she preferred my friends to me but I never said anything, I just took it all.

Fast forward many years, I have children and she is very judgmental, it was driving me insane, I was angry and stressed and my poor DH took the brunt of it, so one day I just snapped and said to my mom, I haven’t asked for your opinion, I don’t need it thank you. She looked like I smacked her in the face, but it’s changed things, she isn’t as judgmental and I don’t take any notice of her criticisms.

'Assault/abuse'? OP has said she was smacked. Not beaten. Many of us were smacked. I was - and I don't consider myself to have been abused or assaulted.

Nonetheless OP, your mum is being hypocritical and if I were you, I would point it out to her.

If she can make comments like that so easily, then I would have no issue reminding her of what she actually did to you as kids.

My mother did something similar to me once and I reminded her that she would be prosecuted today for what she called mild punishment when I was small and the reason I'm so expectant of being hit/slapped and screamed at when I've done something "wrong" is because of her. Shut her up fairly fast, haven't had a comment since. And we do have a good relationship now.__

Surely you can just point out what she used to be like with you when she says this?

@Sapphire387 we are calling it "abuse/assault" because that's what it is.

If your primary school aged child misbehaved at school and as a punishment they were sent to a grown man to be smacked; would you

A) think "that's ok, I was smacked as a child" or

B) would you be racing up to the school to protect your child and to get the man who did the smacking and the woman who asked him to do it banned from ever working with kids again?

Because I'm pretty sure most parents would be in the B) camp.

If you're in the A) camp then you obviously have different opinions on discipline to most of the UK (& social services, and child protection services and ofsted etc etc).

Just because you are ok with it happening to you, doesn't mean that it wasn't abuse.

I voted that YABU as you know what the answer is but won’t do it. Tell your mother that you don’t punish in the same way as she punished you and speak about what was done to you.

I don’t understand why you are so passive with this.

I think your punishments are fine BTW and your mother would annoy me but you need to speak up and stand up for yourself.

I would never say this to her face, as she would be so upset that I felt that way but I just wanted to have a rant on here.

Why would you not? SHE'S upsetting YOU. You think she's a hypocrite with memory problems. You don't need to put it like that - but DO put it.

You'll maybe only have to say it once.

You need to say to your mum “yeah you are right, I’ll send their father to smack them like you used to do to us” then laugh and change the subject.
that should put her in the real world and stop the nonsense

OP the response you're looking for is:

"You used to have a grown man hit me as a child, and you think I'm the harsh one?"

So what if she's upset.

Are you scared of her or something?

Do say it to her - you can say it in a way the is not too harsh and reminds her that as a parent you are responsible for discipline and her judgement is unjustified as she herself disciplined you and in a manner that was more unpleasant than withdrawal of privileges.

My mother said something similar once. I replied, "Shall I slap her round the face and tell her she's a piece of shit instead? You know, like what used to happen in our house?"

She's never commented since.