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Original poster

4 year old’s questions are triggering me

39 replies

Tartanshortbread · 06/02/2023 15:13

He’s going through a ‘death and dying’ phase.

I have real anxiety around this and I’m currently reading a lot about speaking things into existence.

He’s just asked me “Mummy when will I die?” And “Will I die soon?” “Will you die soon?” I get a rising panic and feel like I’m going to either cry or start hyperventilating.

Can anyone help? How do I manage this?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 06/02/2023 15:15

speaking things into existence

Maybe stop reading about this rubbish for a start. See you gp is your anxiety is getting out of hand.

Chikapu · 06/02/2023 15:16

Your and if!!

beansmeanz · 06/02/2023 15:16

They all realise around that age that we humans die at some point. Listen to what they have to say and respond matter of fact "yes we all die, when we are old" they find it a bit scary and then accept that as the way of life. hope that helps?

PurpleWisteria1 · 06/02/2023 15:17

Manage it by saying that no he won’t die for a very long time and neither will you in a very reassuring voice with no hint of your anxiety. Give him a big cuddle and then divert his attention. Repeat as many times as needed.
Why have these questions got such a big hold over you? I’m no stranger to death as my own mother died suddenly when I was a child and that has affected me but you need to live every day. Don’t let intrusive negative thoughts take over or you waste the precious time you do have worrying!

beansmeanz · 06/02/2023 15:17

ps maybe I sounded a bit harsh - you can add - but that is a long way off, we don't need to worry about that now - then change the subject "what do you want for dinner"haha

windyarse · 06/02/2023 15:19

What is speaking things into existence?

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2023 15:19

Stop reading that stuff and research how to deal with your anxiety.
We all die. No. It won’t be soon.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 06/02/2023 15:20

As someone who gets irrationally anxious, and as someone who likes "manifesting" (from the perspective that it's just applied psychology, and not from the perspective of Universe Energy Woo)...

You need to take a step back from content about "Speaking things into existence" as you're not in a place to find it helpful right now.

Also, a 4 year old with natural curiosity can't turn into the angel of death - if they could we'd all be fucked as almost every young child goes through this.

You need to address your anxiety and thought patterns if you want to be in any fit state to parent a human child for the next 14 years.

Sazzling · 06/02/2023 15:20

Chikapu · 06/02/2023 15:15

speaking things into existence

Maybe stop reading about this rubbish for a start. See you gp is your anxiety is getting out of hand.

OP is a Rhonda Byrne fan? 😂

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 06/02/2023 15:22

If we could speak things into existence then I'd be a millionaire! It doesn't work like that!

It's a normal phase for that age. Best thing you can do is talk about death with them and reassure them.

Campervangirl · 06/02/2023 15:22

Stop reading nonsense and when your DS asks say:
"Not for a very, very long time, when you're a very old man"
As for you dying "Not for a very, very long time"
Rinse and repeat with big hugs and kisses so he doesn't get a complex.
There's going to be plenty of awkward questions as he grows up, this subject is triggering you, maybe you need some help to deal with your feelings but please stop reading nonsense

queriesqueries · 06/02/2023 15:26

Chikapu · 06/02/2023 15:15

speaking things into existence

Maybe stop reading about this rubbish for a start. See you gp is your anxiety is getting out of hand.

@Tartanshortbread this kind of magical thinking is a slippery slope to OCD and intrusive thoughts

(obviously not if you're using it positively)

I was like this as a child - terrified that if I imagined my parents dying it would happen. Then the thoughts would pop into my head. It's really horrible isn't it?

I managed to get over it by speaking my fears out loud "I wish x would die right now" and each time it got less and less scary. You're not a magical being and thinking things won't make them happen.

marcopront · 06/02/2023 15:27

If you believe in speaking things into the existence then start speaking about him stopping talking about death.

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 06/02/2023 15:30

Honestly, why are you reading that stuff?

you have anxiety/triggering issues. Read things that calm you & make you feel happier, not that stuff. It we could 'talk things into existence' most of us would be living very different lives!

Most kids ask stuff like that at his age. You just reassure them that you plan for you both to live until you're both very very very old! Unfortunately my Dad wasn't very old so I had to adapt it, but for now that'll do for your DS unless you have someone that's died young (family/friends ) or he's heard about a child on the news etc.

but you need to look at why his ordinary questions are triggering you & if it's that talking into existence stuff, then sure you can see the damage it's doing you

10HailMarys · 06/02/2023 15:41

I’m currently reading a lot about speaking things into existence

Well, stop reading such absolute mumbo-jumbo, because 'speaking things into existence' is absolutely not a real thing that can happen, and all that reading this nonsense is doing is fuelling your anxiety. (I'm not having a go at you here, but at the people who spread this kind of nonsense.)

You need help with your anxiety, maybe cognitive therapy or something like that, so see your GP if you can. You deserve much better for yourself to live in fear like this - and I'm sure you don't want your little boy to grow up with the same fears, or for him to be scared to ask you questions in case he upsets you. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to get some help to free yourself from your current way of thinking - I promise you that with some support you can be a lot happier and less anxious than this.

Commonsensitivity · 06/02/2023 15:43

You don't have to give a very factual answer. Just something like not for a very long time. Now what shall we play? And change the subject. I have found that if my children ask me a hard question I can get away with a general answer and move on.

DarkShade · 06/02/2023 15:43

You're not God, so you can't speak things into existence. Try and remember that your 4 year in old is just trying to understand about the world around him, this stuff is genuinely new to him and he's curious! Death and dying is part of living. Try and answer his questions in a light, informative way.

Slobbet · 06/02/2023 15:46

Google the average age for dying in the U.K. and tell he’s got many years left, maybe even more if he eats his greens.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 06/02/2023 15:46

We are all going to die. And there is no such thing as 'speaking things into existence'. You need to start thinking in more grown-up ways, for your child's sake if not for your own.

1000yellowdaisies · 06/02/2023 15:49

I would just answer their questions in a very casual but factual way and don't dwell on them.
Are you sure they are not picking up on your anxiety around the issue because DD is 6 and has never asked these sorts of questions
Also the 'speaking things into existence' stuff is nonsense

thisplaceisweird · 06/02/2023 15:49

You can't speak things into existence that are out of your control, for starters.

One thing is 'I'm going to achieve my running goals and hit 5k in 30 minutes by the end of the month' can have positive impacts on mindset therefore might help you achieve a goal.

Saying 'im going to become a millionaire' in the mirror is not going to do that.

Talking about death IS NOT going to cause you or anyone else to die...

OnlyFannys · 06/02/2023 15:51

I get horrible anxiety about dying op so I understand why you are finding it difficult. When dd asked I was factual but also talked about how some people believe in heaven and she found that very comforting

steff13 · 06/02/2023 15:51

He's 4. He's learning about the world. You answer his questions in an honest, age-appropriate way.

44PumpLane · 06/02/2023 15:56

I have death anxiety too and have had therapy for a particularly bad bout.

My two are just coming out of the mega fixation with death period (they are still in it a bit) and I always tell them the truth in a kind way.

Yes we all die, it's a natural part of life, but noone we love truly leaves us as long as we remember them in our heads and in our heart.

I tell them we hopefully have loads of time yet and we won't go until we are ready.

Couldyounot · 06/02/2023 15:58

I’m currently reading a lot about speaking things into existence

Kindly, I'm not sure that's helping you