4 year old’s questions are triggering me

[Tartanshortbread]

He’s going through a ‘death and dying’ phase.

I have real anxiety around this and I’m currently reading a lot about speaking things into existence.

He’s just asked me “Mummy when will I die?” And “Will I die soon?” “Will you die soon?” I get a rising panic and feel like I’m going to either cry or start hyperventilating.

Can anyone help? How do I manage this?

OP, I can maybe offer some insight from experience.

I'm a person who is interested in spirituality and reading about stuff like this, but I'm also a person with OCD and tendencies towards magical thinking, obsessions and anxiety. Sometimes, reading about this stuff is NOT good for people like us. That's ok. It's important to recognise when spirituality and research is veering into disordered magical thinking and interfering negatively with our lives - this is what's happening here with you.

From what I've read, speaking things into existence, manifestation, etc., is not simply a case of literally thinking or saying some words and them then coming true. Your child (or anyone!) saying the words death, dying, or asking "will I die" is nothing to do with the concept of "speaking into existence".

There are ways to engage in spirituality as an anxious/OCD/etc. person, but you need to find what those ways are for you. Currently, you are experiencing debilitating anxiety and fear when your child uses certain words. That's not healthy and it's NOT a necessary part of spirituality and different practices/beliefs.

I second recommendations to go to your GP for help with anxiety. I empathise, but please don't let your focus be distracted onto issues with spiritual practices, when really your issue is an anxiety one.

I feel I need to add that the other major component to this is that you do not want your child picking up on any sort of "superstitious" fear around concepts and words, and that you don't inadvertently create an environment of magical thinking. That's important. You need to address your anxiety ASAP for this reason.

You owe it to your child to get a grip of your mental health. He deserves to have his questions answered properly. Stop reading nonsense written by idiots, and see a doctor about your anxiety.

Mine keeps asking if all our bones break when we die. And "Can I see my Grandad's bones?".

My Mum must have spoken to her about it as my DD calmly told me the other day, "You know my Grandad's bones? They went to his favourite place when he died", and she was smiling and seemed satisfied with that answer (we scatted them at a place we used to go for picnics when we were kids). So I thought that was a nice way for my Mum to explain it to her.

Ahh, my 4 yr old is also in this phase. Rightly or wrongly, I tell him people die when they’re 100. It’s so, so far away in his mind that he can’t fathom ever being 100, so it nips the anxiety he has around this in the bud. When he is older and has more understanding, I’ll approach the topic in a more factual manner. For now, I feel it’s an age appropriate explanation (people die when they’re very old, eg. 100)

I've spent the last 20 years trying to think me being a lottery winner into existence. Sadly I'm still skint.

All children ask these questions at some point and your reaction will decide how they deal with it.

Someone mentioned intrusive thoughts and “speaking things into existence” really does bring to mind the classic OCD thinking error “if I think it (or articulate it) it must be true/it will definitely happen (and therefore I am responsible for managing away this fear through an internal or external action (compulsion).

It would be good to gather evidence for your ability to speak things into existence OP; say out loud “tonight I will be richer by £1000” and it should happen if this theory is true! or does it only guarantee negative outcomes? Not logical is it? I’m not being facetious but it might be helpful to get some help managing your anxiety from an evidence based therapeutic approach such as CBT. This would help you to examine your thinking and behaviour and identify any patterns that are keeping anxiety going, rather than reading anxiety fuelling rubbish that feeds on anxious people’s intolerance of uncertainty. I feel for you because feeling anxious enough to panic is no fun. It is sortable though. If you Google the CBT Register you can find a list of BABCP accredited CBT therapists in private practice or ask your GP to refer you to IAPT (NHS therapy provision - long wait though). They MUST be BABCP accredited though! I hope you feel better.

This is lovely x

I don't think it's helpful to tell a young child that it won't happen for a very, very long time as that isn't true. Unfortunately people of all ages die from accident or illness.

I told my DD that most people live to an old age but sometimes you can die from a bad illness or accident but we can do things to stop it like eat healthily, wear seat belts in cars and be careful near roads. I told her that if some of our body parts still work we can give them to other people who need them too which she found amazing or we can give our bodies to scientists to do tests on. I told her that no matter when she did die she would be loved very much.

I lived opposite a cemetery when mine were in this phase. I found a walk round and pointing out the ages on the stones helped them understand.

My four year old is also in this phase, and my grandmother recently died aged 100. So he now firmly believes you die when you're 100 😂 Which is fine really, it's much the same as 'in a very long time' to him. Though I have explained sometimes people and animals die before they're 100, as our cats are getting on a bit and inevitably we'll have to deal with that in the next few years.

This is helpful, kids know when they're being robbed off. They want practical advice like the above. Also discuss what will happen if you die - who will look after them? What will it be like?

perhaps time to get some help with this for yourself? its fairly easy to deal with a 4 year old asking questions about death but when your child gets to age 10 or age 14 the questions get more complicated for sure !! During her time so far at primary school my youngest has had fellow pupils' parents die because of cancer and through violence and also has a fellow pupil who has lost a sibling...so at some point they do become well aware that people of all ages die and it's helpful to be able to handle this well and not be derailed by our own fears. The majority of primary school age kids are likely to a. lose a pet b. lose a grandparent and these are important first experiences in their lives that will influence their own attitudes to death and dying.

Thankfully DS still has all four grandparents and at one point had 5 great-grandparents (still has 3) so when he was worried we'd talk about his great-grandparents who were all in their 90's.

Our youngest cat at the time - only 7 - died unexpectedly when DS was 3, which was hard as it was a huge shock for us as adults. It took a lot of time and patience with DS, as he obsessively asked questions over and over about the finality of death, only to be undone when, in school, they did the Easter story. I'd intended to be neutral on religion (I'm pagan, DH is atheist, some other family members are various types of Christian), but ended up having to say it's just a story and not true.