Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring up breach of trust with friend

30 replies

Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:11

So, my partner and I have been together for nearly a year. We dated a long time ago too.

One of my best friends has another friend who was friends with my partner (‘mutual friend’). When DP and I were talking again, mutual friend voiced to my best friend that they were worried he would get hurt as there was history and old feelings. Fine - mutual friend was fair to be concerned.

I spoke to best friend at the time about my feelings and about the fact that I was casually sleeping with someone. Best friend screenshotted these messages and sent them to mutual friend without my knowledge which DP has just told me about (part of a relevant conversation). DP obviously doesn’t give a shit about the content of the messages.

I am fucking livid. I can’t believe best friend screenshotted messages I’d told her in confidence and then sent them to someone I’m not even really friends with?! It’s a massive breach of trust but it did happen nearly a year ago and I’m not sure what can gained from raising it now. My instinct, tbh, is to talk to her about it in person. I totally get mutual friend being concerned but my best friend only vaguely knew DP so frankly it had fuck all to do with her.

YABU - just leave it
YANBU - raise it in a calm way

OP posts:
anya21 · 05/02/2023 16:14

I am not sure i understand? You are sleeping with soemone who is not your DP?

Original poster
Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:17

anya21 · 05/02/2023 16:14

I am not sure i understand? You are sleeping with soemone who is not your DP?

Omg no! Sorry, basically I was casually sleeping with someone when my DP unexpectedly came back into my life. There was no crossover - I stopped very shortly afterwards (in fact I didn’t sleep with him after DP and I started talking (as friends) again, and then officially called it off very shortly after).
my friend and I were talking about the situation and I mentioned the fact that I was worried either of us would get hurt and also that I was sleeping with someone and would need to sort that out. She then screenshotted these messages and shared them with a friend of both hers and my DP’s.

OP posts:
quinceh · 05/02/2023 16:21

I'd say something, I think, even if it's just an acknowledgment that you know. Depends how much you think it matters I suppose, but that is a breach of trust. I wouldn't be confiding in her again.

Jacksfesteringresentment · 05/02/2023 16:22

She's not your friend, she's a shit mixer.

Cosycover · 05/02/2023 16:23

Oh damn right I'd be saying something.

I'd not trust her again either.

Inkpotlover · 05/02/2023 16:25

I couldn't not say anything. I would be livid if my best mate did that, it's a massive breach of trust. What a cow.

Original poster
Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:25

I’m just really shocked, I guess. We’ve been best friends for 10 years.

OP posts:
blueluce85 · 05/02/2023 16:25

I can't vote either way as I don't believe it should be brought up in a calm way, I don't see why you would want to continue the friendship tbh

Inkpotlover · 05/02/2023 16:27

Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:25

I’m just really shocked, I guess. We’ve been best friends for 10 years.

I don't think I could continue the friendship, frankly. What if your DP hadn't been cool about the messages? It could've ruined your relationship with him, all because she couldn't help herself gossiping and sharing your private texts.

Magenta82 · 05/02/2023 16:27

The trust is gone, she is not your friend (if she ever was) I would be backing off quickly.

Original poster
Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:29

And the thing is, the reason I was unsure and a bit worried about it all was because I’d recently come out of a 5.5 year relationship that was very controlling and I was worried about losing my newfound independence. The fact that she then screenshotted that and sent it to someone else is so shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:30

Inkpotlover · 05/02/2023 16:27

I don't think I could continue the friendship, frankly. What if your DP hadn't been cool about the messages? It could've ruined your relationship with him, all because she couldn't help herself gossiping and sharing your private texts.

Show quote history

Exactly! He didn’t care at the time because it was something that had started happening before we’d even started talking again but if he had taken it the wrong way it could have ruined everything before it got started!

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 05/02/2023 16:32

Your 'friend' is a shit stirrer and no friend at all.

Mardyface · 05/02/2023 16:32

Presumably since DP told you you have an 100% accurate story? Do you still want to be friends with her?

I think I would give her a chance to explain just in case there is some explanation which is her looking out for you (I cannot imagine how but you never know). I wouldn't give her a chance to make something up though. I'd tell her in person or on the phone you've seen the screenshots and how is she going to explain them. If she can't explain you're just going to have to be icy and cut her off. You can't have someone like that as a friend.

Original poster
Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:34

@Mardyface yeah I’ve seen the screenshots. I think at the time DP was just like “well whatever, I still want to see how things go” and so didn’t really see it as a big deal. I knew mutual friend had tried to put him off me but had no idea my best friend had been involved; we’d never really spoken about it.

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 05/02/2023 16:37

Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 16:25

I’m just really shocked, I guess. We’ve been best friends for 10 years.

Well she clearly didn't think so!

Tellmeimcrazy · 05/02/2023 17:06

That's a bitchy thing to do I'd talk to her about then distance myself

gold22 · 05/02/2023 17:13

Although she is your best friend, it doesn't seem like you are hers!

Whether you want to stay friends or not, I would ask her to explain herself, face to face aswell so you can see her reaction

DollyDaydream23 · 05/02/2023 17:15

I would be more worried about what else has she been screenshotting to this mutual friend! You have every right to be angry though this is 100% a breach of trust, the trust has gone now and you will be forever doubting your friendship.

Sadly its the norm nowadays if your lucky to have a best friend or even friends who you can trust then your winning, too many people are quick to stab friends in the back nowadays.

could she be jealous of your relationship?

Original poster
Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 17:17

I think I will talk to her because otherwise I have to choose to be fine with it and act normal (because passive aggression is the worst), and I’m not fine with it.

Luckily I have another best friend who I am closer to anyway so at least I still have someone!

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 05/02/2023 17:18

She's a gossipy shit stirring cowbag.

butterfliedtwo · 05/02/2023 17:19

Yeah, I'd be worried about what else she has screenshotted and sent to people you don't know for whatever reason made sense to her.

Obviously you can't trust this woman. At least you know now.

Original poster
Namechange456782 · 05/02/2023 17:25

This is the thing - I know when I speak to her she’ll just say that mutual friend was concerned but my friend really didn’t even really know my partner then so how on Earth could she justify sending my private messages on? Because she was apparently also concerned about him? Fucking insane

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 05/02/2023 17:25

Iwould say something, and say how upset you are at the breach of trust. Then don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t want others knowing

Irrelevantdata · 05/02/2023 17:43

Don't let her put the focus on the 'mutual friend', the issue is that she screenshot your private messages to her and sent them on, doesn't matter why or to who. But yes, address it calmly, let her know she's been found out for being snakey and untrustworthy and then distance yourself, you deserve better friends Flowers