So down about my 40th

[Mondaysdontscareme]

Yes, age is just a number and all that. But 40 feels like such a watershed. I recently read that women over 40 shouldn't grow their hair long anymore. And women over 40 shouldn't do this and shouldn't dress like that. I think if I were my normal self I could laugh about it.

But I have had a really tough year last year being sick for the entire second half of it. It started with catching covid in June which turned into long covid with a myriad of symptoms (palpitations, dizzyness, chest pain, muscle aches, joint pain, extreme fatigue, terrible forgetfulness, brain fog... and more that I can't remember (hah)). My hair fell out as well.

I have an intellectually demanding full-time job. I only managed to work for about 5 weeks during the second half of last year. And right now I am just about surviving but I don't feel like I am really staying afloat and think I need to reduce my hours which is easier said than done (small company with fewer than 10 employees).

I love to exercise, I normally really go for it but I cannot do anything that raises my heart rate without it leading to an energy crash one or two days later.
So I am doing daily yoga which makes me feel a little better but even that drains me energy wise.

I have two small kids (5 and 3) who are lovely but that means it's very hard to get enough time to myself to recover in any case.
I have been fighting with my husband about the split of the household for the last decade. It's an ongoing battle.

My hair got so thin I had to cut it shorter in December and the hairdresser said I should only have a blunt cut as layers would make it look too wispy (see above about long hair at 40+: I like wearing it long).
I have looked younger than my age for most of my teenage/adult life- it actually annoyed me a lot in my 20's. I recently noticed that my laugh lines don't disappear anymore when I stop smiling.

I just feel like I have been falling apart physically in a very short space of time and it's hard to cope with. I hope that the long covid will eventually resolve but there is no guarantee.

And to top this none of my many parents (after two divorces I basically have six parents and all these people have one single child between them: myself) or in-laws even sent me a birthday card. They manage just fine to send cards and presents to my husband and children and they do get cards/presents from us. All of them live several hours away.

This has really hurt me. I have had such a shitty last year, I am barely, no actually I am not keeping it together, I have always looked out for everyone but now for the first time I need help and encouragement and it feels like there is nothing forthcoming.

I don't really have an AIBU just please: give me a remote hug and tell me it'll be OK.

OP I consider that my life began at 40 when I left my twat of an ex husband and took control of my life. That was 13 years ago and I still don't consider myself ancient. You are young. If there are things in your life you're not happy with, now is the time to change them.

Have you had bloods done? The hair loss could be because of anaemia or thyroid problems for example?

I am 40 on Tuesday so I get it

Have a hug from me. I also have the thinning hair. I have rejoined the gym after 4 years and am going to make this my year of health.

I'm 40 soon too. The idea of not dressing a certain way or having your hair a certain way is absolute nonsense!

Virtual high five! And happy birthday ☺️

I know you're probably doing everything you can to keep yourself healthy but male sure you're taking vitamins. I get the multi vits from holland & barrett and take vitamin D3 as well. Really helps if you don't already. Also maybe have more you time, if u can get a babysitter and just have a few hours to yourself. Self care is so important. I'm really sorry about your hair loss. I'm not sure if it will help but try using faith in nature shampoo, more natural products might aid hair growth. And osmo deep repair mask has been a godsend for me so you could give that a go. My hair definitely grows quicker now than it did using these products. Take care of yourself x

I think this is a consequence of later parenthood, harder physically and mentally as it’s a perfect storm of pregnancy/birth/menopause/years of sleep deprivation.

But remember age is a privilege denied to many! Sounds like you should start with a blood test for the thinning hair and a big 🖕🏻 To your family who haven’t even sent a card. Make a mental note to forget all about their birthdays and stick with it. Start as you mean to go on.

Wear what the fuck you want, have the hair however the fuck you want, and fuck (not literally) anyone who doesn't like it. I'm 52 and have shoulder length hair, which is as long as it grows. The fuck I'm turning into Pat Butcher just because I'm in second half century.

Poor you, what a shit time, and as for the parents, I won't judge you if you remember THIS when they want to be found a care home that doesn't smell of wee! What is wrong with them??!!

Sounds like you're reliant on yourself for now. Sorry. But do what you CAN do for yourself - keep that fighting spirit - even if it's taking a £2 bus to town and splurging on all the cake and nice drinks or ... cinema or some sort of day out. Buy yourself a set of voodoo dolls and stab the lot? (Or a robot hoover if the money's there...).

I was talking to someone who had post COVID fatigue and she HAS improved, even though she's not back to normal quite yet, she's nonetheless much better than 'can do stuff for 1hr a day' where she started. Most likely you too will recover though it must be horribly frustrating.

Hi I get where you’re coming from but honestly it is just a number. I turned 40
in Jan and was sulky that neither my DH or family made any effort to do anything nice for my bday. I organised my own two parties (one family and one friends) and had a little help from my mum organising catering for my family party. I have a long history of organising nice things for others so was particularly hurt. I guess your ill health is not helping you and I feel like I have aged so much since having kids (including one with disabilities that we didn’t know about until she was we born). But the birth of my second daughter and my worst nightmares coming true, coupled with a close friend just weeks from losing her battle with cancer, has helped me put my life in perspective. I argue regularly with my DH and can foresee that there will be some difficult choices to make in the next few years.

Oh and I’m pregnant with baby #3 due in 10 days. So all the anxiety about that too!

just to say good luck and focus on what you can do for yourself. Family are disappointing sometimes but I got a lot of feedback when I wrote a pity post about my own parties (hence username) about how at the age of 40 you are in charge of your own life/ social life/ celebrations!

Here’s your hug 😊

things will get better

long Covid is very very tough, and you need to look after yourself

and who says women over a certain age can’t wear this or that? Only misogynistic fools say things like that. Whatever the source of this kind of info, pay them no heed.

this comes from a 50 yr old who wears her hair long, her skirts short, and hardly any fucks left to give 😁 in a good way! There are rewards with ageing and caring less is one of them.

just get all the medical help you can get, long Covid is a really serious and difficult condition to deal with. But for most people it gets better. Good luck

Ive long covid since 03/20 my hair fell out terribly after my last covid infection in july but has stopped and lots of fluffy regrowth. Im 54 and fortunately my small child is 23.
I get it though it's absolutely rubbish.

I think you need to prioritise yourself both mentally and physically.

I had cfs for 15 years following a flu vaccine in 2003 I didn't recover until i put myself first.

Ironically my DD says her hands off upbringing was the making of her because i was too unwell to do much, don't get me wrong i was always available because i was in bed but she had to be physically self sufficient.

Id treat the unequal division of labour with your H and inexcusable lack of birthday cards and effort as a separate issue to your age and health.

Are you going to tolerate that?

Health wise id advise you to look at Dr Myhill for cfs which is effectively all long covid is.

Just keep in mind if you have it for more than 5 years its much harder to reverse.

Hi OP sounds tough. I can sympathize as turning 40 this summer and my face is going downhill. I have two kids 4 and 6 and my hair bever recovered over my last pregnancy. I was cutting it shorter and shorter ( I like long hair) and after a while it got me down. I now have medihoney extensions every four months at Lucinda Ellery and though its pricey I've got me hair back and they are impossible to detect. They have a few sites over the UK and would really recommend them if you want a boost! Big hugs

I feel like this. Since covid I've made a point to be grateful for every year I get older because so many haven't.
One thing I will say is that when I was 40 I felt shit. I dreaded the next however many years and felt so overwhelmed. Turns out I'm peri menopausal and have been since I was 38! Just keep that in the back of your mind in case it could be that x

Look on the bright side OP, in 10 years time I promise that you’ll wish you were 40. I know it’s bollocks right now, but life won’t always be this way 💐

Starflower oil is good for hair and nails. My beauty therapist recommended it to me when i was mid 40s (peri-meno) and I've been taking it every day since. I'm early 60s now and I still have shoulder-length thick glossy blonde hair. I know it's not proof or anything but it can't hurt can it?
Also, i still dress how I want - jeans, biker boots, bodycon dresses. Don't listen to the miserable gits who want you to conform to some ridiculous outdated expectations

Virtual hugs from me op 💐Getting older is tough. Me and dh have really had an awakening lately, after emerging from the fog of two young children. It has been constant stress and sleep deprivation then suddenly as regaining sleep, youngest in nursery etc we think what has happening to the last 6 years?! It's like a big chunk of our 30s is gone in a poof of smoke. I'm in my mid 30s and really thinking about 40, and just telling myself every decade is getting younger now than it used to be. For instance 40s in my parents day seemed so much older than today (not sure why), grandparents before them older again. We are in fact getting younger aren't we really?! 😂

I do remember though my parents having a lot less stress than we have. They bought their house with 100 percent mortgage, one worker could comfortably support a family with an average wage. They had family support. No wonder they didn't get white hair a lot later. I don't feel like a 'properly grown up' like they were. I still can't believe I'm the parent! When are you supposed to feel like an adult??

proper*

ah Happy Birthday OP - and bollox to all this 'should not' stuff

Get some bloody done to check your thyroid/B12 but other than that wear what you like, have your hair how you want to embrace it - 40's aren't awful

Love from a 52 year old skinny jeans, Doc wearing crone with long hair!

Blood done!

This is so sad to read. You have had a tonne of shit. I hope you find some solutions and resolution. My 40's were just the best ever. I hope yours are too. But tbf my ds's are much older. Speak to your GP, get bloods done to rule out b12, thyroid , anaemic etc. HRT etc.

Have you got good friends. I go out with mine all the time, and many European city long weekend breaks.

Plus why didn't you say something to all your parents? I would have. Re the cards / not caring.

You have lots of bits to sort out unfortunately. I hope you can at least address some of them.

Are you sure you have long covid and not menopause symptoms. Your list is identical to how I was feeling 3 years ago at 47. I am now 100% fixed - anti-depressants and supplements (selaura) and now with HRT.

I get it, had a similar thing at 40 and I still struggle with how women are viewed--- I know I am not seen as 'valuable' these days. But I really busted out of my rut as a way of fighting back. Spent my 40th camping in the desert in India. I'm now just trying to live my life and give no thought to age or the stupid expectations and restrictions put upon us.

The chronic illness thing is shit. Could you try doing small things to make yourself feel better/treat yourself? It can be difficult to claw back some quality of life when you always feel ill, I know.

Past 40. One of the brilliant things I'm finding is that I couldn't give a shiny s**t about other people's opinions. I wear what I like, I wear my hair what I like.

Thanks to all of you, you really made my Sunday!
Among the general current misery I am grateful for a lot of things in my life.

I did have bloods done checking for thyroid, B12, folic acid, iron/ferritin, full blood count, borreliosis: all negative/normal.

Also been to the cardiologist, gynaecologist (not checked hormone status, but have a regular cycle), had a chest x-ray and abdominal ultrasound. All normal (I currently don't live in the UK and everything is done by specialists here).

So I ended up with long covid/post viral fatigue as diagnosis.

Like I said I am surviving by taking it easyish at work, trying to go to the sauna once a week (which does help but is tricky to stay in the rhythm because my immune system is so run down I constantly catch new bugs and can't go with active infection). I'm taking Vitamin D and folic acid (it was on the low side of normal), even had IV Vitamin C and B complex because my doctor said it really helped him to get back to normal. I try to eat healthy foods, mostly stopped drinking and reduced my coffee consumption. Currently I am waiting for my first appointment at the long covid clinic hoping they can give some more advice.

I have been very slowly improving though not to the point of being able to exercise beyond long walks.
I just feel my daily life is overwhelming me and I find it hard to catch enough of a break.

You're so right about long hair and not giving a fuck about what other people think. I like mine flaming red and long and have a weakness for eccentric shoes.

Husband: mine is not too bad compared to some stories I read on here. But why would the split be 60/40 when we both have full-time jobs? We have a very equal split when it comes to the kids but not the house somehow.

Having kids definitely wore me out and gave me pelvic floor issues but that's not where the current health stuff comes from.

My social life it could be better. I do have friends here but no really close ones close-by (have moved around quite a bit over the years). And the parents..what can I say they have never been super caring. They taught me to be independent though.

To all of you who also just turned/will turn 40: Happy Birthday! May we all be back here in 10 years to moan/celebrate some more.

I started a thread on here just a few weeks ago about turning 40 and falling apart! For me it's prolapsed discs that I need to manage for life and had a bad patch that meant I couldn't get my own shoes on much less go for a run, 1 year of athletes foot, piles, low iron, chin hairs, I have a strange liver lump that's come up just above my eyebrow, adding to the two small lumps on the tip of my nose... I've got long hair and a lumpy nose so figure I'm heading towards witch status hey. I've gone on a bit of an offensive, been to the physio. Went for a run today. Got some new footcream to try. The fightback is on...