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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think actually yes this is an affair

35 replies

CLAbooyaka · 05/02/2023 13:33

NC just incase..

Two people who are already in relationships have been meeting for sex. The woman of the two is the one that I know personally.

When talking about it she's of the opinion that it's not an 'affair' per se as it's just about sex and nothing more, any intimacy is reserved for the bedroom and they're not in constant contact and neither of them have caught feelings for one another.

AIBU to think of course it's a bloody affair.. is it not?!

What's your definition of an affair?

OP posts:
SnapBang · 05/02/2023 13:34

Sounds fine to me

LizzieSiddal · 05/02/2023 13:34

Of course they’re having an affair.

BlueKaftan · 05/02/2023 13:35

Of course it’s an affair. She’s just gaslighting you.

MavisMcMinty · 05/02/2023 13:35

YANBU for thinking it’s an “affair” but YABU for thinking it has anything to do with you.

Original poster
CLAbooyaka · 05/02/2023 13:35

SnapBang · 05/02/2023 13:34

Sounds fine to me

Would you say that if it were your boyfriend/girlfriend having the "not affair"?

OP posts:
strawberryandcreams · 05/02/2023 13:36

Well it might not be an affair in her eyes, but it's definitely cheating.

SnapBang · 05/02/2023 13:36

@CLAbooyaka sorry, I missed the eye roll 🙄 of course it’s an affair if they’re having sex with each other 😂😂😂😂😂

Christmaspyjamas · 05/02/2023 13:37

People justify their behaviours in all kinds of ways.

AltitudeCheck · 05/02/2023 13:38

Cheating (assuming their agreement with their partners is monogamy) but not an 'affair' in my eyes.
It's more like seeing a sex worker, but free!

MaybeSmaller · 05/02/2023 13:38

Unless she has agreed with her DP to have an open relationship then yes of course it's an affair and is cheating. She is either deluded or taking the piss

Original poster
CLAbooyaka · 05/02/2023 13:41

There is definitely not an open relationship arrangement, both parties partners are completely unaware of what's going on.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 05/02/2023 13:42

You are correct of course but I tend to think of 'an affair' as having some sort of emotional element. A couple meeting for lunch or meeting in car parks for a stolen kiss I'd class as an affair even though no real physical intimacy has occured. I'd be more likely to describe what she's doing as a 'fling'.
Of course the pedantics aren't so important and on the face of it what she is doing is wrong so my judgement would be similar. Is she trying to justify it? What reason has she given?

Original poster
CLAbooyaka · 05/02/2023 13:43

JudgeRudy · 05/02/2023 13:42

You are correct of course but I tend to think of 'an affair' as having some sort of emotional element. A couple meeting for lunch or meeting in car parks for a stolen kiss I'd class as an affair even though no real physical intimacy has occured. I'd be more likely to describe what she's doing as a 'fling'.
Of course the pedantics aren't so important and on the face of it what she is doing is wrong so my judgement would be similar. Is she trying to justify it? What reason has she given?

Trying to justify and downplay it yes, no actual reason given aside the fact its just sex.her

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 05/02/2023 13:44

The term used doesn't really matter.

The fact is, it's cheating.

Keepyourmummysboys · 05/02/2023 13:44

Has she asked you to define it? If not then it’s nothing to do with you how she classes it.

Original poster
CLAbooyaka · 05/02/2023 13:45

It was the fact she didn't like it being labelled as an affair as calling it an affair makes it seem like it's more than she says it is

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 05/02/2023 13:47

Yes it's an affair. I think of an affair as an ongoing thing, be that physical, emotional or a mix. Also it can be short or long. Either way, not a one off indiscretion (not saying I would forgive that). A single drunken shag with a stranger is cheating, for instance, but not an affair.

juliettesmother · 05/02/2023 13:47

She isn't really being honest with herself, is she?

whataboutism · 05/02/2023 13:55

consensual sex with a verboten partner is all that is required for an affair. Obviously you don't need to be clever. The only hilarious part of this is her alternative truth.

JudgeRudy · 05/02/2023 13:56

@CLAbooyaka "Trying to justify and downplay it yes, no actual reason given aside the fact its just sex.her"

Whilst I think dishonesty withinin a relationship is unhealthy so are a number of other traits. For clarity, I have been at all 3 people in this scenario.
I think the real question should be why is she chosing not to work on the relationship she has? Does she feel eg that despite having heart to hearts her partner is still a selfish lover or ignores her/puts her down etc. Maybe he's always out. Without all the info it's hard to say. Askher why she's staying then see if you feel her reasons are justified but ultimately it's her business.

Original poster
CLAbooyaka · 05/02/2023 14:02

I think it's an escapism thing as she has got bored with the way her life is, stale relationship and the monotonous routine of work and childcare.

I might sound full of judgement but not in the way it might seem. I just think she's going to ruin her life for nothing more than a bunk up. If she's being truthful in that there are no feelings at play then the whole thing seems reckless and pointless to me.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 05/02/2023 14:26

I wouldn't say that was an affair. To me, an affair involves feelings and maintaining contact outside of the sex. They sound like they are "fuck buddies" to me. But cheating is cheating. It doesn't really matter how you define it.

MavisMcMinty · 05/02/2023 14:27

She’ll only “ruin her life” if she’s found out, or if she or her fuckbuddy starts getting all jealous and “let’s leave our spouses and live together!”, surely? Whatever, it’s her life and her risk, and nothing you can (or should) do to change things. I remember a married friend of a friend who had a “nap” every afternoon…

…with her married GP. Neither of them described it as an affair either.

TheCatsMakethTheHome · 05/02/2023 14:30

Not an affair- married friends with benefits if there is no emotional involvement.

Original poster
CLAbooyaka · 05/02/2023 14:35

MavisMcMinty · 05/02/2023 14:27

She’ll only “ruin her life” if she’s found out, or if she or her fuckbuddy starts getting all jealous and “let’s leave our spouses and live together!”, surely? Whatever, it’s her life and her risk, and nothing you can (or should) do to change things. I remember a married friend of a friend who had a “nap” every afternoon…

…with her married GP. Neither of them described it as an affair either.

A nap with her married GP, I know I shouldn't laugh but christ 😂

OP posts: