To expect more help from DP

skywalkersweetie · 2023-02-05T11:21:10+00:00

DP rarely helps in any way unless I have a go at him. Seems completely self-serving and demanding of more sleep even though I'm the one who does every night feed for DS. And yet I'm the one who gets up early and cares for DS whilst hungry and do laundry and other tasks. All whilst DP sleeps in til 10/11am. AIBU to expect more help even though I'm a SAHM? On the days that DP isn't working that is.

Sunriseinwonderland · 05/02/2023 11:29

Help? He doesn't need to help he needs to look after his own kids and home.

PenguinOwls · 05/02/2023 11:31

How did you get yourself into this situation? Why have a baby with someone like that? What were you expecting?

SpinningFloppa · 05/02/2023 11:32

He’s not helping, it’s called parenting 🤦🏻 that’s your problem seeing it as “helping”

Livinghappy · 05/02/2023 11:34

Are you married? I ask as if not you are likely to be more vulnerable financially so choices are less positive.

At the weekends you need to instigate one or other of you up early. The other has a lie in. Also set chores, he can definitely do stuff on his time off. Just start a conversation that as you both need time off the childcare & housework needs to be shared.

Original poster

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 11:37

PenguinOwls · 05/02/2023 11:31

How did you get yourself into this situation? Why have a baby with someone like that? What were you expecting?

Lmao classic of course blaming another mum for an issue with DP. Of course he wasn't like this before baby!

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Whataretheodds · 05/02/2023 11:38

Write down the hours you are working as a SAHM and how much free time you have.
Write down the hours he is working.

Agree, a father looking after his children is not 'helping'

Original poster

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 11:40

Livinghappy · 05/02/2023 11:34

Are you married? I ask as if not you are likely to be more vulnerable financially so choices are less positive.

At the weekends you need to instigate one or other of you up early. The other has a lie in. Also set chores, he can definitely do stuff on his time off. Just start a conversation that as you both need time off the childcare & housework needs to be shared.

No not married

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PenguinOwls · 05/02/2023 11:42

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 11:37

Lmao classic of course blaming another mum for an issue with DP. Of course he wasn't like this before baby!

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This is happening because you are allowing it to, and I don’t buy for one second he was an angel who did 50/50 household chores before baby and suddenly became a selfish twat.

GrazingSheep · 05/02/2023 11:43

You should give serious consideration to going back to work. You are leaving yourself in a precarious position in lots of ways.

SpookyBlackCat · 05/02/2023 11:45

Everyone needs a break and taking care of a little baby is pretty relentless. This is on him, absolutely not on you. He needs to step up and be a man, father and husband.

HelloBunny · 05/02/2023 11:46

Women with decent husbands just don’t understand. My DH just had a go at me because he couldn’t watch the football in peace yesterday. I can’t even have a piss in peace. He hasn’t a clue... It’s so hard when they want a Blue Peter badge for looking after the kid once a week.

Original poster

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 11:47

HelloBunny · 05/02/2023 11:46

Women with decent husbands just don’t understand. My DH just had a go at me because he couldn’t watch the football in peace yesterday. I can’t even have a piss in peace. He hasn’t a clue... It’s so hard when they want a Blue Peter badge for looking after the kid once a week.

We're on the Same wavelength!

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kitsuneghost · 05/02/2023 11:52

The only reason one partner is like that is because the other still does it. I get tending to your child is essential but as for the rest, stop doing it.

BubziOwl · 05/02/2023 11:56

PenguinOwls · 05/02/2023 11:31

How did you get yourself into this situation? Why have a baby with someone like that? What were you expecting?

I cannot stand these smug, catty responses you get on threads like this. Is it really your first time hearing about a man who suddenly changes after a woman gets pregnant or after she has the baby? It's a tale as old as time.

Coffeeandchocs · 05/02/2023 11:56

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 11:47

We're on the Same wavelength!

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The same wavelength being that you allow yourselves to be treated like doormats and set terrible examples to your children.

OP, your husband is a lazy bastard. You should have to ask for ”help”. Why do some women consider anything their husband does to care for their child as helping them? It’s not helping you it’s being a father. I can’t imagine having to ask my husband to be a Dad. I wouldn’t do it. I’d leave.

SpookyBlackCat · 05/02/2023 12:00

kitsuneghost · 05/02/2023 11:52

The only reason one partner is like that is because the other still does it. I get tending to your child is essential but as for the rest, stop doing it.

From experience, this doesn’t work. I used to call my Ex out on his behavior publicly because he would genuinely tell people what an amazing hands-on father he was, and it would really annoy him when I contracted this. But, ultimately you can’t make someone care. He won’t change. You can either get rid or suck it up. Whatever you do, don’t have more kids with him though.

Original poster

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 12:03

@Coffeeandchocs
Is there no way you can be a bit more sympathetic? We are doing our best to care for our children and keep our family together with no one taking care of us

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Original poster

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 12:04

@kitsuneghost
Agree that this just doesn't work, someone has to get these things done

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devildeepbluesea · 05/02/2023 12:07

Well yes some of the responses here are a bit harsh, but there’s only one person perpetuating this behaviour - and that’s you.

If your husband is inadequate then you give him and ultimatum and follow through.

Oh and as you’re not married I absolutely second the PPs’ suggestion of getting back to work quick smart.

HelloBunny · 05/02/2023 12:07

It’s not that any woman allows anything... You could say that about worse situations too. It’s the fact that bloke does not always appreciate that the child is a 24 hour consideration. There is no break for anyone unless it’s organized.

Coffeeandchocs · 05/02/2023 12:11

skywalkersweetie · 05/02/2023 12:03

@Coffeeandchocs
Is there no way you can be a bit more sympathetic? We are doing our best to care for our children and keep our family together with no one taking care of us

You asked if you were unreasonable to expect more “help” from your partner. I’d say you’re unreasonable for setting the bar so, so low. Like I said you shouldn’t need to ask for help, it’s not help, it’s called being a parent. He’s currently not doing that. Why do you want to keep your family together with a man that has to be asked to parent his children?

You have my sympathy that you’ve ended up in this situation. But if what you expected was lots of gushing posts about how hard it is for us women having to tolerate men, that isn’t going to help you. I’m telling you; women don’t have to tolerate this, you don’t have to tolerate this. My husband works and still does his fair share of the childcare, I don’t have to ask because he loves me, loves our children and he knows it is as much his responsibly to run the house as it is mine.

FirstFallopians · 05/02/2023 12:11

My sympathies OP- PP are right, you need to frame it as him not pulling his weight with parenting as opposed to seeing it as him helping out of the goodness of his heart.

I genuinely don’t understand how this has come out of the blue for you though.

It was immediately clear when I moved in wih DH that he wasn’t houseproud and didn’t give a shit about how the house looked as long as things worked and it was fairly clean. I knew that when we bought our own house, it would be me that would be the driving force behind any improvements, maintenance or just generally sprucing the place up. As sure as shit that’s what happened- I do all of that.

He more than makes up for it on the parenting side of things, but I could never be shocked that he hadn’t changed his priorities because it was so, so obvious when we started living together.

So I don’t really understand how a man can go from being a genuinely full and equal partner when it comes to housework, DIY, cooking, life-admin etc and then change overnight- surely the signs are always there?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 05/02/2023 12:13

Op please understand that we are all sorry you are in this situation. Your dh is the one at fault, obviously. But he isn’t suddenly going to morph into a decent father and human being just because you want him to. Particularly not when he holds all the cards financially.

You need to go back to work so that you are independent, tell him what you expect and hold him to account and if he doesn’t change then leave. If you don’t want to leave then you accept his disgusting behaviour and put up with it. The choice is yours.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/02/2023 12:20

What does he say when you point out how unequal the division of labour and parenting is, especially on his days off?

Howeverdoyouneedme · 05/02/2023 12:28

SchoolQuestionnaire · 05/02/2023 12:13

Op please understand that we are all sorry you are in this situation. Your dh is the one at fault, obviously. But he isn’t suddenly going to morph into a decent father and human being just because you want him to. Particularly not when he holds all the cards financially.

You need to go back to work so that you are independent, tell him what you expect and hold him to account and if he doesn’t change then leave. If you don’t want to leave then you accept his disgusting behaviour and put up with it. The choice is yours.

Agree with this. Why would he change? The current situation works well for him.