To expect more help from DP

[skywalkersweetie]

DP rarely helps in any way unless I have a go at him. Seems completely self-serving and demanding of more sleep even though I'm the one who does every night feed for DS. And yet I'm the one who gets up early and cares for DS whilst hungry and do laundry and other tasks. All whilst DP sleeps in til 10/11am.
AIBU to expect more help even though I'm a SAHM? On the days that DP isn't working that is.

So I don’t really understand how a man can go from being a genuinely full and equal partner when it comes to housework, DIY, cooking, life-admin etc and then change overnight- surely the signs are always there?

Not always. Things often change massively when children come along.

Relationships with one working partner and one SAHP can be very difficult to navigate. It's easy when you're home 24/7 to automatically take on most of the domestic stuff because you're there anyway - the working partner starts to take it for granted and that's when resentment kicks in.

But it's also often the case that the SAHP takes it a bit for granted that they can stay home with none of the burden of being the sole provider for a young family (not saying this is the case for OP, but I think it's more common than people care to admit). So the working partner thinks "well, I'm the only one worrying about how to pay the mortgage, why should I need to worry about laundry too?"

This.

Get back to work and sort out your contraception.

You have had a child with a selfish waster.

Protecting yourself is all you can do.

Sorry but I disagree with this. Lots of us with decent husbands will have had LTR with men we didn't go on to marry or procreate with because we saw the signs this would end up happening and didn't want that.

Between working with 90% women, female friends, acquaintances, women at my main hobbies, I don't know a single woman who has ended up in this situation where the signs weren't there before. The ones I am closer to I've warned they'd end up burnt out and resentful because they'd be seen as a skivvy once kids came and they mostly ignored that advice.

It's not smug to point out to strangers on the internet. The OP obviously can't go back in time and sack off her DP however thousands of other women will read these threads and maybe, hopefully, take on board some of what is being said and avoid ending up in this crap. It makes me so angry that so many women are living like this, we need to get better at not tolerating it imo.

Unfortunately PP are right. I also agree that the worst offenders in the people I know have always been like this, it's just it's easier for the woman to do all the work before kids come along.

I agree with PP, get back to work, sort your contraception and he has to step up or you get out. If it stays as it is another generation will grow up in this cycle thinking it's normal for men to be lazy fuckers and women do it all.

100 % agree.

The overwhelming majority of women who end up with a waster admit that there were signs, they just chose to ignore t.

A selfish man who generally puts himself first, isn't kind when you are ill, and a bit mean with money is not going to morph into a prize after children.

Invariably selfish men are genuinely horrified at the work involved with children and dig in to be as avoidant as possible.

The only times when I have known this to be reversed was by firm dramatic action from the sisters of a few women I know.

One thought golf was his god given right so she packed his bags and he spent a month with his mother as she told him life was easier without the annoyanceand mess of him.

When she eventually relented he was changed because she genuinely was almost done.

Another moved in with her mother overnight with her baby without telling him and had the house valued immediately.

Again that took some persuading.

Neither woman went on to have more children and lay every bit of it at their husbands door and their behaviour.

However I know from their sisters that as they both were career driven it suited them to have just one child.

Women with low standards often end up in this situation.
Being an unmarried sahm is the most vulnerable of positions for women, yet women keep doing it with selfish men.

Its so sad but unfortunately these women don't seem to value themselves enough and therefore don't protect themselves.

I certainly would much rather be childless than find myself in this situation.

Ive posted before on this topic and I don't think victim blaming is very fair. The signs aren't always there. Or they aren't always easy to recognise .

I'm in this situation myself and I had no idea my 'H' would turn out like this.

I was very young and naive without the worldly and relationship experiences I have now.

To lay the blame on a woman for her partner being a lazy bastard is nothing other than victim blaming.

In old language, you are living in sin with an illegitimate child.
Harsh and not modern woke, but there are a lot of people, who would think tjis, if only subconsciously.
Go back to work and ensure your live-in pulls his weight. If he balks, present him with an itemis3d list, plus costings, of the work you do now - do not forget to mention personal services... - and point out that this would be the minimum he would need to stump up in real life.