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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A message on the death anniversary of a loved one?

43 replies

citylifemummy · 05/02/2023 10:04

Is it normal to not receive a message from close friends on the death anniversary of a loved one? I lost my mum 8 years ago yesterday in which two of my good friends know the details which includes my dad and I finding my mum sleeping. I was 17 at the time.

Would you expect some sort of message? Even if it’s short and sweet? Probably overthinking this but feeling a bit down that they didn’t message, even though they knew the date.

OP posts:
CRbear · 05/02/2023 10:07

I am really sorry for your loss, and understand your sadness, but I wouldn’t expect friends to remember this date. Some might, but it doesn’t mean the ones who don’t, don’t care. I don’t even remember the dates my own extender family members died, but if my mum tells me it’s the anniversary I am absolutely available to her for whatever she needs. Maybe tell your friends? “It was mums anniversary yesterday and I’m feeling a bit low, anyone available for a coffee”

SoupDragon · 05/02/2023 10:07

I wouldn't, no. especially not after 8 years.

Maybe for the death of a child though.

I wouldn't want one either TBG as, personally, it isn't something I want to be reminded of.

sorry for your loss though, that must have been dreadful. Flowers

OoooohMatron · 05/02/2023 10:08

Very gently OP, no. I'm really sorry for your loss and the date will be etched into your memory but for others it's just another day. I don't know the exact dates that any of my friends loved ones passed away. 💐

Poppyblush · 05/02/2023 10:11

Yabu.

JenniferBarkley · 05/02/2023 10:12

I wouldn't after 8 years, no. The first year or two yes. After that I might mention it in passing if I thought of it but I wouldn't otherwise.

My best friend died a long time ago the same week as my birthday, so friends who didn't know her often remember it because of the date and mention that they're thinking of us etc when we're chatting that week. But they didn't mention my dad's second anniversary this year, presumably because the date passed them by without noticing which is fair enough. They're great friends and if I needed anything they'd be there in a heartbeat.

toomuchlaundry · 05/02/2023 10:13

@citylifemummy would you remember dates once your friends start losing their parents.

If you put something on FB then I would expect a few of your closest friends to post a message, or if you reached out to them saying you are struggling I would hope they would give you support. But I wouldn’t expect them to remember without any prompts

rwalker · 05/02/2023 10:13

No

WandaWonder · 05/02/2023 10:14

Too be perfectly honest no I wouldn't, amongst the people very close to us we speak of people we have lost but I never expect other people to remember or even if they do acknowledge it to me at all

Hidingawaytoday · 05/02/2023 10:15

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP, but no - I wouldn't expect friends to remember the anniversary of my father's passing. I do have a friend who's also lost her dad, and we send each other a message on fathers day, and my family will message each other on the anniversary, but not friends.

LanaCara · 05/02/2023 10:15

I didnt get a message on the first anniversary from most friends, there's no way I'd expect friends to remember this year in year out. What's important is that they are there for me and were there at the time, I couldn't have asked for more. But no, I'd definitely never expect messages year in year out or be upset not getting one.

purpledalmation · 05/02/2023 10:16

Sorry, no I wouldn't. I remember my late mum's birthday but ignore the day of her death. I wouldn't expect others to remember

Karwomannghia · 05/02/2023 10:16

No they won’t know unless you tell them. For you it’s like a blazing siren but it isn’t for them. I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️

DillDanding · 05/02/2023 10:17

Not after 8 years, no.

I did send one friend flowers on the anniversary of her mum’s death (but I was very close to her mum) for a couple of years. But that was an exception. I wouldn’t even acknowledge (or remember) it for most.

Original poster
citylifemummy · 05/02/2023 10:18

Appreciate all the comments and I thought it would get this response. I think it was more we were chatting and they asked my plans for the day, and I just briefly said about putting flowers down etc and the replies didn't mention anything and it was like I hadn't said a thing. I wouldn't expect anyone to remember the date and I know I probably wouldn't but if it was spoken about, I wouldn't ignore and at least say "I'm thinking of you".

OP posts:
Hidingawaytoday · 05/02/2023 10:19

I agree with @CRbear too - if you're feeling low, why not message your friends and tell them? See if they're free for a coffee?

JupiterFortified · 05/02/2023 10:19

I understand what you mean - my dad died recently and when it’s your own loss it’s (quite rightly) the most important thing in the world.

However, I don’t remember the dates on which just friends sufferers losses (and I don’t even remember the dates on which I lost more extended and much loved members of my own family).

I’m sure if you said something along the lines of ‘it’s my mum’s anniversary and I’m feeling a bit low’ they will be there for you in a heartbeat x

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/02/2023 10:22

I used to always message my friend on the anniversary of her mum’s death. After about 8 years she told me that sometimes my message was the first thing to remind her and that made her feel bad. Every one grieves at a different pace. Nobody forgets their personal losses but the significance of individual dates is very personal and it’s not reasonable or realistic to expect others to remember them.

JupiterFortified · 05/02/2023 10:22

citylifemummy · 05/02/2023 10:18

Appreciate all the comments and I thought it would get this response. I think it was more we were chatting and they asked my plans for the day, and I just briefly said about putting flowers down etc and the replies didn't mention anything and it was like I hadn't said a thing. I wouldn't expect anyone to remember the date and I know I probably wouldn't but if it was spoken about, I wouldn't ignore and at least say "I'm thinking of you".

Oh see this is a totally different situation to your OP. In this case then yes I would expect some sort of response off them, not for them
just to ignore it?

Fakecrazy · 05/02/2023 10:23

I get messages some years and it's really nice and appreciated. I wouldn’t hold it against someone for forgetting. Dh forget and I was pissed off at him, as it's a really shit time of year for me, but not a friend.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 05/02/2023 10:24

No I wouldn't, not even on the first year let alone many years later. I don't remember the date any of my own relatives or friends have died. Birthdays of people I've lost, I remember those but they too often pass me by without realising what day it is.

I'd never bring up a loss for someone else before they did - if they were managing to get through a day without remembering or dwelling, I'd hate to bring it to the forefront of their minds.

EmmaEmerald · 05/02/2023 10:27

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/02/2023 10:22

I used to always message my friend on the anniversary of her mum’s death. After about 8 years she told me that sometimes my message was the first thing to remind her and that made her feel bad. Every one grieves at a different pace. Nobody forgets their personal losses but the significance of individual dates is very personal and it’s not reasonable or realistic to expect others to remember them.

Interesting. I would be much the same as your friend.

OP I can understand why you felt they should acknowledge what you are doing that day, but increasingly I understand why people don't comment. It often feels like the wrong comment might offend. They also might think they're being told off for forgetting.

bloodywhitecat · 05/02/2023 10:28

I am not expecting anyone other than family to remember DH's first anniversary at the end of this month.

I am thinking of you, losing a loved one is tough Flowers

LakeTiticaca · 05/02/2023 10:33

Without wishing to sound unkind she's probably busy with her own stuff. Unless she was very close to your mum it's unlikely she will realise its the anniversary.

Sorry for your loss xxx

NormasJeans · 05/02/2023 10:36

I thought you were being unreasonable to start with, because I try not to dwell on dates with negative associations, but your update changed everything. They should have said something when you mentioned it. People do find it hard to talk about grief, but close friends should be able to say something when it is brought up. I would let it go, however, (perhaps they can’t face grief at the moment due to circumstances you are unaware of in their lives), and I agree with the comments about contacting them and inviting them to do something.

Sorry for your loss x

Againstmachine · 05/02/2023 10:38

citylifemummy · 05/02/2023 10:18

Appreciate all the comments and I thought it would get this response. I think it was more we were chatting and they asked my plans for the day, and I just briefly said about putting flowers down etc and the replies didn't mention anything and it was like I hadn't said a thing. I wouldn't expect anyone to remember the date and I know I probably wouldn't but if it was spoken about, I wouldn't ignore and at least say "I'm thinking of you".

Did you say you were putting flowers down, or did you say you were putting flowers down because it's the anniversary, that's whey they may not have mentioned it.

I don't expect people to remember and to be honest it's often upsetting enough without a flurry of messages.