A message on the death anniversary of a loved one?

[citylifemummy]

Is it normal to not receive a message from close friends on the death anniversary of a loved one? I lost my mum 8 years ago yesterday in which two of my good friends know the details which includes my dad and I finding my mum sleeping. I was 17 at the time.

Would you expect some sort of message? Even if it’s short and sweet? Probably overthinking this but feeling a bit down that they didn’t message, even though they knew the date.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Not everyone attaches the same significance to dates. Every year on the anniversary of my dad's death, my sister finds it really hard, and I genuinely never even notice it's his anniversary until she mentions it or my mother says she's been to the church etc.

I know you said you mentioned it to them but it can also be hard or awkward for people to know what to say, especially as time goes by. Or they can have so much of their own stuff going on that they don't notice that you want comforting etc.

For the first few years and while you weren't a proper adult, yes. But not now. It was awful circumstances and you lost her as a young person, but we all lose our parents, eventually. My Dad died when I was 17. With people delaying parenthood, you are now getting to an age were people's parents are dying. I'm my DD's childcare, so I do appreciate what a loss a good/supportive Mum (in particular) can be. You can't expect other people to be thinking of you, or taking on your sadness after eight years.

Ahh, this is different. In this case, I would have expected something in the reply. I hope you're OK.

So you were chatting with them but they didn’t acknowledge it? I think that is a bit different to the question of whether they should spontaneously acknowledge the date.

I think context probably applies though. Clearly chatting IRL (which I assume you weren’t) would be different to a group chat specifically about how you were feeling, which would be different again from an ongoing WhatsApp group, or even a more generic Facebook post.

I might try to remember to acknowledge the one year anniversary of a close friend losing a loved one but not so much the subsequent years. But I didn’t remember it was 3 years since we lost my Dad until a few days after the date had passed last year so I guess I don’t really put a significance on anniversary dates past the first year or two and don’t really expect others to.

This strangely happened to me around the anniversary of my mums death too, a friend messaged it must’ve been 6 years on and although I think of my mum
all the time it’s dates like her birthday I’ll always mark (only privately) and I purposefully don’t really wish to focus on the date she passed.

Everyone grieves differently and remembers their loved ones on in their own way, there’s no right or wrong.

I think death isn't handled well in the UK. People don't want to say anything in case they get it wrong. A friends husband died years ago and I wanted to send friend a card on the anniversary and was advised on here not to. Some people think it's normal to acknowledge the anniversary but lots didn't. Grief tourist was mentioned multiple times even in relation to his funeral. So on balance I'd rather be seen as forgetful than a grief tourist / vampire. The socail norm seems to be glossing over death. I was also advised if I cried at the funeral I was making it all about me, do I sat at the very back and didnt stay by the doors after in case my friend saw I had cried.

My best friend always remember the day my dad died and I’m ashamed to say I rarely remember the anniversary of her dad’s death. It doesn’t bother me if people don’t remember.

No one outside immediate family even remembered 1st anniversary of my dm death so after 8 years I would think most would only have a vague idea of when it happened. This was a big event in your life not theirs. You will always remember it.

The first year but not after 8 years op

I just saw your update. I would absolutely expect friends to say something. And I know my friends would and I would do the same. I’m really sorry. Perhaps they are trying to formulate the best response “behind the scenes” so to speak. 💐

This.

Hi OP, I understand your upset, but TBH I forget the exact date of my mother's death, so slightly unreasonable to expect other people to remember and commemorate it. Sorry to be blunt here, but it's simply not the priority to them it is to you. I

Not after 8 years no. It was the 2 year anniversary of my Dad's death recently and I got a few messages. To be honest I wish people hadn't. I was trying to get on with my day and then it just all came back with every text.

No, I have lost both my parents and my husband and I wouldn’t expect this. I don’t think I would want to receive messages.

If I remembered I would message. But the reality is I probably wouldn’t remember. My best friend has lost both of her parents. I wouldn’t have a clue as to the dates. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. But I wouldn’t remember. She knows she can call me any time and I will be there to listen.

I actually cant remember the date my mother died 2 years ago so would not expect my friends to, to be honest. I would rather remember her birthday.

8 years on? No, I wouldn't expect it. One or two, yes.

Case in point, about 7 years ago now, a friend lost a baby at 25 weeks pregnant. obvs, very traumatic and sad. For about the next 3 years I sent her a text on the day, just saying that I'm thinking of her.
Then my dad died, young and unexpected. It was a very difficult time for me, and I got nothing from her... Lets just say, when her baby's next anniversary came around... I didn't bother. Which I know sounds really petty, but hey.

I was, and still am, surprised at the people who reached out after my dad died, and those who didn't. I never heard a word from a cousin I was always friendly with, who lived very near my parents and saw them quite often. But then the wife of a cousin I see maybe twice a decade reached out repeatedly to check in, both before and after the funeral, and a few times in the months that followed.