Is this abusive behaviour, towards me or am I overreacting ?

[Gracebeau89]

Me an my partner have 3 children, he works full time I'm part time due to childcare. So this happens tonight, (stuff like this happen at least 3 times a week) our younger children often get into our bed in the middle of the night, DD2 gets into our bed, but we remind her of being a big girl. She happily gets back into her bed. Few minutes later our youngest child gets into our bed, she's much younger doesn't want to go in her bed, so I let her stay. DP then in an aggressive tone towards me says, is that it your letting her stay I have f-ing work tomorrow! He's a builder got his own job on, will only be few hours, I remind him of this and say well I had work last Sunday and she was in our bed keeping me up all night, he replies boo f-ing hoo! (It doesn't bother me if children get in our bed part of being a parent) it bothers him as he often thinks of himself as a priority in our relationship. He then continues to shout at me but I say my piece and then ignore him as gently move my foot it slightly touches him to which he kicks my foot away aggressively, so I tell him that's not on no need for that it's not the end of the world. He then jumps up shouting slams our bedroom door goes into our other child's room to get into the spare bed, but slams that door as well. By this point I've put youngest child back into her bed, fast asleep etc all tucked up. On my way back to bed I tell him slamming doors at 3am when kids are asleep and shouting is unacceptable in a house with children. He then replies I didn't slam any doors or shout and he didn't kick my foot away! It really annoys me because this is what happened, but in the morning now he will be adamant he didn't then he'll give me silent treatment, then eventually he will try and cuddle me and say I overreacted and he was just tired. But he does this a lot with certain things, often nasty comments about me working part time ( with have 3 young children and it was our mutual decision) and then if I pull him up on what he said he will say he didn't say that or I overreacted or that he didn't mean it like that. Sorry for rambling on hope this makes sense.

He's abusive.

Abusive.

Yes, thirding that, he is abusive. This will not get better, don't wait to see if it does.

He sounds abusive.

If he was like that before the kids I don’t think there’s much hope. But if it’s just to do with him not getting enough sleep and you not taking his attempts to protect his sleep that seriously, it may be something that will change if you can engineer things so he does get enough sleep (not at the expense of everyone else not getting enough, though). Lack of sleep does make people irrational, tetchy, shouty, etc. It’s used as a form of torture.

Have you sat down and had an open discussion about what’s going on and what you both need at some point when it isn’t all about a particular incident or behaviour? Or is he really just not interested in developing a working household where everyone is considered?

I would find it deeply annoying if my partner kept allowing children in to the bed we share when I had already been clear I didn’t like it. You said the younger child happily went back in to their own bed so not really sure what this row was about except you like the children in bed but he doesn’t. Shouting, slamming doors etc is never acceptable neither is kicking. It doesn’t sound like your relationship is that great tbh otherwise this wouldn’t have blown up like this. You don’t need the label of abusive to say you will tolerate bad behaviour

Hi Op

The only thing I can see he has a point about is the 😴 💤 sleeping arrangements ,as he could be just a light sleeper, who can just sense when your child moves slightly or is just bit restless and hence does not feel comfortable to have restful sleep in your bedroom,

It's totally unacceptable to kick you like that,

what a twatish thing to do,

No excuse whatever , I don't care how tired he claims to be I think the type of combative person he is,

he

I think he could be over exaggeration or lying somewhat/bit, about that, just to create drama to get the last word in,

He comes across as hard work unpleasant

What redeeming qualities has he really got?

Has allways had a tendency to be like this then or is this more recent thing then?

I suppose he could be depressed or stressed out /both and handling it not well, hence twattish behaviour,

He could also just be twat who just happens to be stressed out /depressed

Life at times obviously can be stressful and challenging,

Why have someone in your life who just brings extra stress and makes life uphill struggle on top of everything,

A partner should enhance your life ,

If he is just depressed or stressed out, that's it,

then he should be seeking out ways actively to manage handle stress more effectively and getting help/support with depressing too,

It's just not fair on you and your family to have someone who creates unessarery Drama like this,

My advice is if he is not a twat in general usually?

Give several months ultimately, to sort himself out to address his issues,

If he is not interested or could not care less?

There's your answer

Life is far too short to waste 🗑 your time being stuck in relantship that is like this

Yes this, children have their own bed for a reason but yes his behaviour is wrong

He does work a lot, but he can be and is very self centred and in need of praise, he loves people telling him what a hard worker he is etc I have tried to tell him recently, about certain behaviour but he doesn't want to know. He sees himself as priority, but will deny any wrong behaviour towards me. I know lack of sleep can make us all moody but if he did get enough sleep, he makes comments about my earnings and I'm a part time worker. But then when I do have a shift at work all he does is complain that he has to do the school run etc it's not on how he has to go to work later, when I'm in work and should change my shift or change job ( which I'm now in the process of doing)

What are you getting out of this relationship? You don’t sound on the same page at all. You don’t have to live like this. Your children are watching you being disrespected. I do think he has a point about the children in bed, but you do not have to tolerate his behaviour. What outcome do you want? He has already shown he doesn’t want to alter his behaviour

Hi Op

I hope you are not just changing your job just cause he can not be arsed to do the taking/fetching children from school ect routine?

Obviously if a job you are unsatisfied unhappy in or its a nature that's in conflict with family life in some way that's different

The strange thing is about the kids in our bed is it's usually the other way around! And I have made the children a smiley chart for this, he was always the one allowing this and I said they are to old. Our youngest daughter has a bad cough and she woke because of this so as at first she started crying/coughing to stay in our bed I thought it would be easier to let her stay. I then moved her once he was having his meltdown ! I lied with her for a while in her bed she's only 2. It wasn't completely easy to settle her.

I think you could do a lot better for yourself than this one,

Who you are currently with as a partner

Well no it wouldn’t be completely easy to settle her as she is two w a cold. Your most recent update seems to turn everything on its head re his behaviour re the children in bed. Not sure why the smiley chart is a thing unless this is an entrenched problem. Do you want to stay with him?

Yes, this is abusive.
Worse still, saying he didn’t slam doors and kick your foot away. Then you’re expecting the silent treatment. This is gaslighting. Look after yourself OP and your children x

There is a possibility of him feeling depressed I've discussed this with him he drinks at weekend/midweek I know most people do but I think it's too much around 20 cans at weekend! That's altogether a sat and sun. He doesn't get nasty when he drinks he actually gets happier and more pleasant. I just can't get through to him, he tells me it's normal all him colleagues/friends have this much. His own mum tells him it's normal. He has a certain men's issue he needs to see the GP about and this has been going on for years and he will not go, I've offered to go with him, make the appointment etc he just doesn't listen puts everything to the back of his mind.

Op it’s up to you whether you stay with him or not. If you are uncomfortable with his behaviour then you should leave

Absolutely abusive, yes. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive.

I think he sounds like a twat. You don't need the label 'abusive' in order to 'justify' leaving him.

I do however think it's unreasonable to keep allowing your youngest in the bed if your husband can't sleep - that's something that should be agreed between the two of you.

The worst part is him not admitting it. I'd say if you can't sit him down and have a proper conversation where he acknowledges he's behaved badly, you're on a hiding to nowhere with him.

Op, how old are the children? Are you married?
Actually I think the drinking is a big issue - if he gets woken up whilst sobering up he may feel worse. Not justifying as no one should be swearing or kicking doors.

He sounds like a full blown narcissist

@Gracebeau89

He's an abusive prick!

He kicks you and shouts at you, and then says “no I didn’t”. He is abusive

It is abusive and he's gaslighting you about it, which abusers tend to do.

Sorry, but you have yourself a loser there. He's a man who won't take responsibility or face reality. He won't change unless he wants to, which he obviously doesn't, so you need to decide if this relationship is acceptable to you or not. If it's not, you know what you need to do.

Zombie thread from 2023