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Original poster

Partners hasn't come home

51 replies

honeybeeandme · 05/02/2023 02:02

Partner hasn't come home. Was supposed to go out for a few drinks with friends - nothing silly. Anyway, he's done this on many occasions where I haven't heard from him all night and he's turned up the next morning to find out he stayed at a friends. I've given up caring now as he doesn't do it often but I feel it's such a lack of disrespect to not let me know. I haven't reached out to him until now and his phone is obviously dead. If it were the other way around he'd go ape shot! I dropped him off at 6pm it's now 2pm.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 05/02/2023 10:37

Pollypocket1001 · 05/02/2023 02:45

Meh. It's still quite early to be honest. More often than not I will rock up back home at 4/430am after being out all night.
DH has literally just walked through the door now after being out since 6pm.
Don't worry yourself, enjoy the peace and having loads more space in bed!

I agree, 2am isn’t that late, unless I’d specifically said I’d be home by X time for a reason I wouldn’t expect to be given a curfew!

Changingplace · 05/02/2023 10:40

honeybeeandme · 05/02/2023 10:01

Update. He came home at 3:45 and called me to ask him to let him. I nearly throttled him! Had no sleep 😴

Not having a key to let himself in would piss me off, but I don’t honestly see the issue of a grown adult staying out until whatever time they wish to unless they’re actually needed home for a particular reason.

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/02/2023 10:40

Angelik · 05/02/2023 07:39

He's not telling you cos you're going to keep asking when he's coming home and that will blight his night out. It's easier to ignore you and deal with fallout at some point late the next day once hangover gone! Sure it's late but he's a grown up. Leave him alone. It should all very fine providing he's not supposed to be doing anything on Sunday.

Firm agree.

NextPrimeMinister · 05/02/2023 10:43

2.20am is not 'out all night' or 'not come home territory'.

Although you are not unreasonable due to the fact he didn't have a key to get in.

We have a separate 'going out key' that either of us use so we can stay out till whenever and the other one is not waiting up.

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 10:44

vodkaredbullgirl · 05/02/2023 03:42

Chuck him back in the sea or drown the fucker

Wow

YouAreNotBatman · 05/02/2023 10:45

This (also judging by comments) seems like a lifestyle difference.

I’ve never been and don’t understand coming home in early morning hours.

Op, Is this something
that happens often/ something you want in your life?

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 10:47

Changingplace · 05/02/2023 10:40

Not having a key to let himself in would piss me off, but I don’t honestly see the issue of a grown adult staying out until whatever time they wish to unless they’re actually needed home for a particular reason.

Show quote history

I agree, why do we feel the need to control people. OP even says, he doesn't do it often so I fail to see the disrespect. Busy human going out and having a damn good time every now and again is hardly disrespectful. If it was every weekend I'd agree it's disrespectful

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 10:49

What grown adult wants a curfew! You go home when the night happens to fizzle out

Zonder · 05/02/2023 10:53

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 10:49

What grown adult wants a curfew! You go home when the night happens to fizzle out

What grown adult can't at least let their wife know a rough idea so she's not worried that he's out longer than he said?

What grown adult wakes their wife at 3 something because he didn't take a key?

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 05/02/2023 10:54

Dh comes home when he is ready. I don't like going out late so not something for him to worry about. He has a key, and a phone. Unless it was the next day and no sign I would worry. But he's normally home by 2am. But he doesn't go out out. His work finishes that time on a Friday and Saturday night. But if he wanted to go out, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Chickychoccyegg · 05/02/2023 10:54

YouAreNotBatman · 05/02/2023 10:45

This (also judging by comments) seems like a lifestyle difference.

I’ve never been and don’t understand coming home in early morning hours.

Op, Is this something
that happens often/ something you want in your life?

You've never stayed out late/went on to a club because you're having a great night? That seems quite sad to me.

I dont understand the comments about dumping him because he came home from a night out at 3/4am, the no key bit would be annoying, but as long as its not every week, and a every now and again thing, it's fine and normal.

silverclock222 · 05/02/2023 10:54

I used to say if he wasn't going to be home till after eg 3 - lock in whatever then he had to let me know so I could sleep properly. No issues then.

Cocobutt · 05/02/2023 11:07

Most clubs don’t close until 3 or later so I wouldn’t expect my partner home before then.

Don’t tell each other what time you’ll be home and then you won’t worry.

If the person out decides to stay overnight at a friends then they should text the other person to let them know incase they sleep in.

Cocobutt · 05/02/2023 11:09

Did he lose his key?

If he doesn’t have his own key then he needs to get one cut asap as that’s ridiculous.

Original poster
honeybeeandme · 05/02/2023 11:12

Reason I get so pissed off is because he used to not come home and not let me know. He didn't take a key as he said he would be home at a reasonable time and let me know. It was meant to be only a couple of drinks. He charged his phone up at the pub apparently but either way, I just find it rude to wake me up at 3:45 asking me to let him in!

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 05/02/2023 11:15

So, he doesn't communicate/lies about how long he expects to be out

He turns his phone off so you can't contact him

He didn't take a key

His phone miraculously worked when it was convenient for him

Not sure I could put up with that little thought. No adult, properly mature one, works like that.

Not that we don't go out until the early hours, just that we don't pretend or lie about our intentions. That behaviour is supposed to disappear once you aren't a teen trying to get round parental rules.

chupachump · 05/02/2023 11:19

So either you both agree how to manage this in future, it continues pissing you off or you end the relationship.

I can't see myself getting so worked up about a night out personally but I don't know you or him.
He does sound selfish though.

If you have different lifestyles and it causes issues then maybe you aren't suited to each other.

So, he has to take a key so he doesn't wake you up or he stays with a mate. Is there anywhere you can safely leave a key out? My partner does that.

How about telling him he needs to be realistic and not promise to be home by 10 when that's clearly not going to happen.
I never tell my partner 'I'll be home by ...' because I don't know.
Stop waiting up for him, you're not his mum.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/02/2023 11:21

I just can’t see the point of being in a relationship with someone who has so little respect for you tbh.

I wouldn’t try to lecture him about it or anything I would just leave. Or ask him to.

Whataretheodds · 05/02/2023 11:23

honeybeeandme · 05/02/2023 11:12

Reason I get so pissed off is because he used to not come home and not let me know. He didn't take a key as he said he would be home at a reasonable time and let me know. It was meant to be only a couple of drinks. He charged his phone up at the pub apparently but either way, I just find it rude to wake me up at 3:45 asking me to let him in!

Yes that is incredibly rude

Doyoumind · 05/02/2023 11:25

To have got yourself so wound up by 2am, admit that you knew he wouldn't be home by then.

I don't think that 2am or 3.45am is particularly late for a grown man to be home if he doesn't have a particular reason to be up and sober early.

Yes, he should have let you know what he was up to but this isn't a major crime.

GoT1904 · 05/02/2023 11:27

Hope you started loudly vacuuming the entire house about 8am.

Cocobutt · 05/02/2023 11:33

Yes it is very rude.

Next time he goes out tell him to take his key, so you can get a proper nights sleep without keeping an ear out for him wanting to be ket in.

rainbowstardrops · 05/02/2023 11:42

For everyone saying it's not that late to be out, you're absolutely right but it is incredibly disrespectful to purposely not take a key stating that you won't need one because it's only a couple of drinks, not send a quick text to say plans had changed and then 'wake' your partner up at nearly 4am (after miraculously charging his phone) to let him in! Especially as this isn't a one off.
I would be furious with him. Assuming he's not some immature 18 year old, he needs to grow the fuck up.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2023 11:44

Selfish prick.

And if it was the other way around he’d go apeshit?

Another depressing thread about a woman who feels she has to tolerate selfish, disrespectful behaviour.

Cocobutt · 05/02/2023 12:29

And if it was the other way around he’d go apeshit?

This os the most important part of the thread.

Time to find someone who treats you like an equal OP.