Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends marital home

42 replies

Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 13:12

My boyfriend lives in his ex martial home. It bothers me being there and he said that all his ex wife’s things were gone but then last night his teenage daughter said she wanted to try on her moms wedding dress and needed him to grab it. I didn’t say anything but it just further makes me feel like I’m in a place I don’t belong. AIBU ?

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 04/02/2023 13:14

Why can’t he go to your place? YABU, he can’t move house to make you happy, and a relationship where you feel threatened by an ex that isn’t even around, but is also the mother of his child, probably isn’t a healthy one for you.

Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 13:25

I know he can’t move houses to make me happy. I don’t feel comfortable there because they were married 20 years and lived there and it just feels like her home and I’m invading her space. I don’t feel threatened by her, I don’t think they would ever get back together. I have children aswell. I just can’t see having a future in that house. He obviously has many memories there with her. Like there is a crack in the door and it’s because they got locked out of the room on Xmas once but had to get in. It’s just constant reminders.
Ever Moving me and my kids there One day feels odd. Maybe I am being unreasonable. I don’t know how to feel differently about this. We do love each other yes. But it’s weird having my stuff in her closet and in the bathroom on her side of the mirror. It’s so weird to me and I don’t know how to shake it

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 04/02/2023 13:30

Do you live in a new home?

How long has he been divorced?
I still live in the ‘marital home’- I completely forget most of the time- it is now just mine.

Perhaps help him redecorate the bedroom? That is, if you have been with him for awhile. If it has only been a few months, then you’re wildly unreasonable here

Coffeellama · 04/02/2023 13:33

You and your kids don’t need to move into his house, so avoid feeling like that by him coming to your house. Or put your issues aside as they are a bit daft anyway (seen as their is no threat), and start building your own memories there so that you can think about that instead of his. It may just need time, but honestly I can’t see why you need to move in there if you don’t want to.

Alexandernevermind · 04/02/2023 13:36

Yuck, you don't want to sleep in his bed whilst his ex wife's wedding dress is in wardrobe. You are right op, it is too much like you are moving into her home.

circleontheleft · 04/02/2023 13:44

YANBU! Weird

Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 14:00

We’ve been together 2.5 years. I’m not currently moving in, I moved out of my marital home and sold it right when Covid life started and you know how the market went so now I’m in an apartment for the time being. I don’t have plans to move in there right now, but thinking about the future and what I would like eventually , I still would like to have a life with someone. I just don’t know because of this if I see a future with him. I do love him but it’s just a lot. They’ve been separated almost 5 years but divorce was final under a year ago. One of the daughters birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I was at work but the ex wife went over there for cake and alll the kids and him and her. I don’t feel threatened by her, but would she feel so comfortable to do this if it wasn’t her previous home. I get it that it was for the daughter, but it’s just a lot.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 04/02/2023 14:06

Why did she leave her wedding dress behind? How odd.

Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 14:10

No clue. I’m assuming she still has things in the attick as she did live there for 20 years , I have no idea

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 04/02/2023 14:10

HeddaGarbled · 04/02/2023 14:06

Why did she leave her wedding dress behind? How odd.

Why would she rush to take it with her? Doubt it was on her list of stuff to keep. Plus as the OP said, her DD wants it.

Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 14:14

Thanks for the responses, feels nice to get it out and talk about as I don’t really talk about this to anyone while I try to figure out my feelings.

OP posts:
Hoplesscynic · 04/02/2023 14:16

YANBU, I find 2 things weird here:

  1. Your BF still keeping her wedding dress, instead of making sure all her stuff has been cleared after 5 years.
  2. His daughter (randomly or purposefully) asking to try the dress on whilst you are there.
MavisMcMinty · 04/02/2023 14:17

You don’t ever have to live together, you know, and my advice to everyone is: Keep your own home, you’ll probably be grateful for it at some point in the future. It’s much easier to maintain a relationship when you’re not being irritated by their constant presence, you look forward to seeing them.

Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 14:20

I agree. I’m assuming he didn’t get rid of it because of his daughters but I would’ve thought she would’ve taken it. Weird

OP posts:
Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 14:21

Also he uses the email addresses still they had together which is their initials and wedding date. He doesn’t understand why that bothers me bc he says it doesn’t mean anything to him now and he doesn’t want to go through the trouble of changing it on everything

OP posts:
Ohdearnotagain76 · 04/02/2023 14:23

Is their room for you all to be a blended family? If you do move in with him think of the positives, you get to redecorated, and buy things for your home together. You possessions will merge so you won't think oh she brought those baking trays as you can just use yours or better still in Time just replace things. Maybe talk to him and say why don't we get a skip and have a big declutter starting with loft so that's one less thing to do when you move in. Have you even spoken about living together. Choose some new bedding together and just start doing little things.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/02/2023 14:27

In fairness she left her husband behind as well as the wedding dress. It's not like she's going to wear it again.

KM91 · 04/02/2023 14:35

Hey, I do absolutely see where you’re coming from, is there much else in the house of hers? Is it just the wedding dress? It’s perhaps a little different that the dad is holding onto it as opposed to mum but there’s a daughter involved so it may be sentimental to her.

When I first got together with my partner 7 years ago he was in his old marital home (although he married 15 years ago which only lated 2 years and went on to have a 5 year relationship with a woman who had been on off living there).

There was stuff….everywhere, from the marriage and the relationship, it would be in drawers and under beds, just stored, dust covered, not necessarily hidden at all. It used to bother me, I’d think he should have sanitised the house a bit before I moved in….that was until I got to know him and the penny dropped that I placed far more significance on these things being in the house than he ever did. In the beginning I’d wonder if there was a reason he was holding on etc….until there was a death in the family 2 years later and we inherited the home we currently live in.

A skip turned up at the old place and 99% of the objects were thrown with zero attachment or care. Photo albums, clothing, momentos. He actually looked surprised half of it was there and since living with him I’ve come to realise a lot of it was probably laziness and a total lack of thought that it was ever really an issue. He doesn’t even know where the beans are kept in the cupboard let alone anything important.

I would have been happy to live in the old house to be honest. Maybe with a bit of a spring clean!

Warspite · 04/02/2023 14:35

If he is still hanging onto her things it might just be that he’s lazy about getting rid or he still has a space for her in his head and heart. It’s probably the former.

I don’t think you’re in a good position to ask too much of him at this stage but as time goes on I’d be having a chat about clearance so that you can build a life together possibly in that home? It will be worrying if he resists though.

Maybe for now, small steps like redecorating the bedroom, new linens & curtains would be a start? Clear out the wardrobes & box up her stuff or remove to the spare room? If you push too hard he might resist so slowly slowly until you are further down the line and discussions turn to living together there, buying a new place together or some other domestic solution which suits you both.

Good luck. With good will and commitment from him you’ll get there. Just don’t overthink it.

Thatboymum · 04/02/2023 14:38

I think your being massively unreasonable and insecure, The wedding dress wouldn’t be something I’d rush to take in a separation and if my dd wanted it of course I’d leave it for her in her home, if I had a great co parent relationship with my ex and was invited then yes I’d go to any house my ex was in whether it was once mine or a new one and be amicable for the sake of the child’s bday etc. it’s all about the children and it sounds like they know this and are being great parents. You maybe need to work on your own discomforts/insecurities

Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 14:39

Thank you all for your messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 14:44

No I understand that, I coparent well with my sons father and we’ve done the same. But she wouldn’t have come if I was there, and she has a boyfriend of 4 years and didn’t take him either. I always encouraged my son to have a great relationship with his fathers gf and had a relationship with her myself. I liked her but it was what was best for my child. I get all of that. But it’s some of the other things. The ex wife tried to see if he would get back with her last spring. She can’t handle me doing things with him and their children and makes the children feel bad about it so then they act a certain way to me every vacation. But they love me otherwise. She’s very jealous and makes her kids feel badly for having a relationship with me. So it’s more like all of that too thats what is irritating about the bday thing. She would not be around me and it’s been 5 years they haven’t been together.

OP posts:
LorW · 04/02/2023 15:14

I understand this OP. I moved in with my DH to the home he shared with his ex and it felt weird, like I’d invaded their space even though they weren’t together anymore, it just had a strange atmosphere and it never felt like my home no matter how many times I decorated. I could never shake the feeling and we have now bought a house of our own that’s ours rather than his and hers (dramatic I know) 😁

America12 · 04/02/2023 15:24

Hoplesscynic · 04/02/2023 14:16

YANBU, I find 2 things weird here:

  1. Your BF still keeping her wedding dress, instead of making sure all her stuff has been cleared after 5 years.
  2. His daughter (randomly or purposefully) asking to try the dress on whilst you are there.

Same , she's asked to try it on deliberately because you're there

GrumpyPanda · 04/02/2023 15:31

My boyfriend lives in his ex martial home.

The relationship was this bad? I can see why you won't move in there 😄

Bollocks to his excuses regarding the email. If too many people still have the old email, all he needs to do is set up a permanent forward to his new address.