Page 2 | Boyfriends marital home

Lee2323 · 2023-02-04T13:12:21+00:00

My boyfriend lives in his ex martial home. It bothers me being there and he said that all his ex wife’s things were gone but then last night his teenage daughter said she wanted to try on her moms wedding dress and needed him to grab it. I didn’t say anything but it just further makes me feel like I’m in a place I don’t belong. AIBU ?

Novemberhater · 04/02/2023 15:39

Ignore most of the posts. I married a divorced man I sold my house and moved into his and his ex's marital home. I threw out her dressing gown, sewing machine and her knitting. Bearing in mind that the divorce had been a long while earlier. I then found her wedding dress in the loft. She had left behind all the albums of baby photos and the wedding pics.

My DH hadn't really noticed that there was so much of her stuff there as he worked away a lot. A couple of years later she asked me if she could have her wedding dress! I told her it had gone to the tip. (I got a lot of pleasure watching the machine chew it up.) it's not weird, just my DH not noticing. I wouldn't worry about it OP.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/02/2023 15:40

Novemberhater · 04/02/2023 15:39

Ignore most of the posts. I married a divorced man I sold my house and moved into his and his ex's marital home. I threw out her dressing gown, sewing machine and her knitting. Bearing in mind that the divorce had been a long while earlier. I then found her wedding dress in the loft. She had left behind all the albums of baby photos and the wedding pics.

My DH hadn't really noticed that there was so much of her stuff there as he worked away a lot. A couple of years later she asked me if she could have her wedding dress! I told her it had gone to the tip. (I got a lot of pleasure watching the machine chew it up.) it's not weird, just my DH not noticing. I wouldn't worry about it OP.

How fucking vindictive are you?

Original poster

Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 15:46

Not dramatic lol

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Original poster

Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 15:48

Thatboymum · 04/02/2023 14:38

I think your being massively unreasonable and insecure, The wedding dress wouldn’t be something I’d rush to take in a separation and if my dd wanted it of course I’d leave it for her in her home, if I had a great co parent relationship with my ex and was invited then yes I’d go to any house my ex was in whether it was once mine or a new one and be amicable for the sake of the child’s bday etc. it’s all about the children and it sounds like they know this and are being great parents. You maybe need to work on your own discomforts/insecurities

No I understand that, I coparent well with my sons father and we’ve done the same. But she wouldn’t have come if I was there, and she has a boyfriend of 4 years and didn’t take him either. I always encouraged my son to have a great relationship with his fathers gf and had a relationship with her myself. I liked her but it was what was best for my child. I get all of that. But it’s some of the other things. The ex wife tried to see if he would get back with her last spring. She can’t handle me doing things with him and their children and makes the children feel bad about it so then they act a certain way to me every vacation. But they love me otherwise. She’s very jealous and makes her kids feel badly for having a relationship with me. So it’s more like all of that too thats what is irritating about the bday thing. She would not be around me and it’s been 5 years they haven’t been together.

I wrote this again, I'm new here so I wasn't sure if I just comment in general if you're alerted or if I have to "quote." but

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GreyTS · 04/02/2023 15:49

Novemberhater · 04/02/2023 15:39

Ignore most of the posts. I married a divorced man I sold my house and moved into his and his ex's marital home. I threw out her dressing gown, sewing machine and her knitting. Bearing in mind that the divorce had been a long while earlier. I then found her wedding dress in the loft. She had left behind all the albums of baby photos and the wedding pics.

My DH hadn't really noticed that there was so much of her stuff there as he worked away a lot. A couple of years later she asked me if she could have her wedding dress! I told her it had gone to the tip. (I got a lot of pleasure watching the machine chew it up.) it's not weird, just my DH not noticing. I wouldn't worry about it OP.

Oh my god you are fucking weird! That's actually despicable and I have no idea why you'd admit to it here....anonymous I suppose. Doesn't it get tiring being so bitter and twisted? Can't imagine how awful it must be to be you

Novemberhater · 04/02/2023 15:55

@fdgdfgdfgdfg Not vindictive at all. She had been gone nine years and divorced for five. She had ample opportunity to get her stuff as she was only in the same town. She said she wanted absolutely nothing from the marital home and told my DH to dispose of it all, which he hadn't done, so I did with his agreement. He came to the tip with me. She also kindly left me her DC who she hadn't spoken to for well over two years at the point of me moving in. I tried to get them to contact her, but they were still upset and didn't want to. Two years later all she wanted was the wedding dress, not her baby photos and mementos. It was ver strange imo.

Novemberhater · 04/02/2023 16:00

PS I still have a huge box of baby photos. She still doesn't want them. I have her maternity notes too!

Musicaltheatremum · 04/02/2023 16:10

My now husband moved in with me at lockdown. I'm actually widowed and had been 8 years by march 2020. I do still have some photos up but he says he's very comfortable in the house. I also have some junk in the attic that is still his too, and all our letters from the 1980s when we were in a long distance relationship for a year.
I can understand some stuff like the wedding dress in the attic...out of sight out of mind. And the daughter obviously feels it's her childhood home so still treats it as such (as do my 27 and 29 year old children). I am actually the one who wants to set up a new home to start together fresh in our retirement.

Hope that gives another perspective.

Original poster

Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 16:20

Musicaltheatremum · 04/02/2023 16:10

My now husband moved in with me at lockdown. I'm actually widowed and had been 8 years by march 2020. I do still have some photos up but he says he's very comfortable in the house. I also have some junk in the attic that is still his too, and all our letters from the 1980s when we were in a long distance relationship for a year.
I can understand some stuff like the wedding dress in the attic...out of sight out of mind. And the daughter obviously feels it's her childhood home so still treats it as such (as do my 27 and 29 year old children). I am actually the one who wants to set up a new home to start together fresh in our retirement.

Hope that gives another perspective.

It does. I can understand why somethings doesn't seem like a big deal to him that are to me. I didn't keep my marital home because I wanted to start fresh though. I feel like also though that being widow vs divorce is different, and with the ex wife still having an issue with them being divorced and the family unit moving on. I'm sorry for your loss.

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Justalittlebitduckling · 04/02/2023 16:35

I think you have a point. Sometimes making a new start in a new home together can be positive and make obvious boundaries for the ex. I guess the question is how old are the kids? If they are still dependent and it’s important to them to stay in that home and for their mother to be able to visit amicably every now and again, then their needs trump yours.

Original poster

Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 16:37

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/02/2023 16:35

I think you have a point. Sometimes making a new start in a new home together can be positive and make obvious boundaries for the ex. I guess the question is how old are the kids? If they are still dependent and it’s important to them to stay in that home and for their mother to be able to visit amicably every now and again, then their needs trump yours.

They’re 17, 20 the ones that live there. Their mother doesn’t life far. I couldn’t see my boyfriend going to her boyfriends house where she lives for cake for their daughter tho.

OP posts:

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/02/2023 16:47

Lee2323 · 04/02/2023 16:37

They’re 17, 20 the ones that live there. Their mother doesn’t life far. I couldn’t see my boyfriend going to her boyfriends house where she lives for cake for their daughter tho.

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No you’re right, there is a different dynamic when it used to be the family home. Sounds like if you hang on a couple of years it will no longer be necessary to put the children’s needs first and you can make a new start together.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2023 16:58

My dad moved his new wife into the family home (he was widowed, we were all adults)

I hated it. I hated that she was in my mum's space (the house was her pride and joy. New wife's standards weren't quite the same) and I hated that her family were more 'at home' there than me and my siblings.

They could have moved but DF didn't want to.

Start afresh

oioimatey · 04/02/2023 17:01

YABU.

Wedding dress thing is a bit weird, I'd give you that, but you need to get over the "omg my stuff is the bathroom she used to poo in!!!" thing.

aSofaNearYou · 04/02/2023 17:05

I think I would be quite uncomfortable about his daughter asking to try the wedding dress on while you were there.

They're not necessarily doing anything wrong but it does sound like he's not really willing to put any effort in to make you comfortable. Shrugging it off with "oh it doesn't mean anything to me" doesn't really cut it, sometimes you have to be willing to make some changes.

Testina · 04/02/2023 17:08

@Novemberhater “I then found her wedding dress in the loft. She had left behind all the albums of baby photos and the wedding pics.

My DH hadn't really noticed that there was so much of her stuff there as he worked away a lot. A couple of years later she asked me if she could have her wedding dress! I told her it had gone to the tip. (I got a lot of pleasure watching the machine chew it up.)”

Wow. That’s really nasty.
Did you set fire to her baby photo albums too?
Why would that give you pleasure to destroy her dress? Just vindictive shit.

Testina · 04/02/2023 17:11

My second husband has watched my daughter play dress up in my first wedding dress. I see his first wife in hers every day, as he was widowed and his first wedding photo is up in our house. Of course you could say a dead wife is less of a threat than an ex wife. Emotionally perhaps not - ex wives it’s often a choice, whereas my husband still loves his first wife, or the memory of her. We both have pasts, and that’s all there is to it.