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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding one

62 replies

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:16

DH's bro lives in Canada. Originally had intended to get married in May this year. We (and other relatives) kept asking for dates form a year before so we could look at flights/accommodation but no info was forthcoming. Then he told MIL and DH he didn't love wife to be, they are having a lot of problems etc and he wanted to move back home on his own. It transpired that they had paid a deposit on a hotel but had cancelled it.

He came home for a couple of weeks in September then decided to go back to her. No mention of the wedding. Then last night he text to say they are getting married in July now.

My issue is we have just booked a break away in June. Our first since 2019. I am returning to work from maternity leave this week so we are not flush. I looked at flights and apartments for July. We have two children and one will be 15 months so need something family friendly. I estimate if we go we will be out thousands. Canada is so expensive. Flights and apartment alone will be in the region of 4K.

I mentioned to DH that maybe him and older child should go on their own (they will both be part of wedding party. DH will be best man).

I don't want to spend our savings on somewhere I wouldn't choose to go otherwise. Plus I don't think it'll be much fun for me and toddler. Bride will be a bridezilla and will
expect to dictate the whole holiday.

DH is moping about the house about having to go without me.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 04/02/2023 09:19

Of course he goes without you

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2023 09:20

What is there to mope about? You can't afford to all go. Tell your husband to stop being such a baby about it. He can either go alone, take your eldest child, or he can stay home and miss his brother's wedding.

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:21

I think he's afraid B&G will be annoyed that we're not all going too. I think he thinks as it is a close family member we should be pulling out al the stops to go

OP posts:
Ultraninja · 04/02/2023 09:22

Quite honestly, being on the wedding party or not, can you really afford to send DH and your son?

Jonagirl · 04/02/2023 09:22

Definitely not being unreasonable. I think you are being more than fair here.

Being disappointed is fine but moping around the house and laying on the guilt trip is not fine.

What age is your eldest?

pictoosh · 04/02/2023 09:22

Yep, don't go. It's so expensive and really, no one should expect to have relatives set aside their entire holiday budget (and beyond) to attend their wedding.
Your dh will get over it.

AntiHop · 04/02/2023 09:23

Your compromise is very reasonable.

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:24

Thanks. I just needed to hear I'm not being completely unreasonable. I don't even know whether other family members will be going now as I know some have other commitments now too. DS will be 5 soon.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 04/02/2023 09:25

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:21

I think he's afraid B&G will be annoyed that we're not all going too. I think he thinks as it is a close family member we should be pulling out al the stops to go

Let them be annoyed, they’re the ones faffing about, tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if these plans change again if this is what they’ve been like so far!

Theyre unreasonable to spring a date on you that’s so expensive with such short notice, they should be glad if your DH can even make it alone.

pictoosh · 04/02/2023 09:25

Yeah I don't agree with pulling out all the stops to attend a wedding in Canada...brother or not. We're talking thousands here - what planet is he on?

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:25

@Ultraninja he can't miss his brothers wedding 😬 he doesn't want to go either though. There is some bad feeling between MIL and bride since the break up. It's all going to be a bit awkward

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/02/2023 09:26

Given the track record of their relationship it may not happen anyway!

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:29

@Eastereggsboxedupready she's dragging him up the aisle as quick as she can before he changes his mind again. It'll never last.

I'm annoyed because we deliberated over booking our June break for 1k recently! And now the wedding is just sprung on us with the expectation that we will be there. I don't think it would enter their heads that ppl might have made other plans already or can't afford it.

OP posts:
Jonagirl · 04/02/2023 09:29

At 5 I wouldn't be taking him either. So he is 4 now, and as the wedding has just been announced has no clue about it, is too young to understand it and won't be disappointed so definitely let dh go alone, save on the extra airfare and your dh will probably enjoy it more and could go for a shorter time.

5 year old are in wedding parties as cute props mostly, don't be putting too much thought into him having to be there because he was asked to be in the wedding party

pictoosh · 04/02/2023 09:29

We didn't go to BIL's Argentinian wedding owing to the same thing - too expensive (by far) and sacrificing annual leave too. He was furious but it was a thoroughly unrealistic expectation from the get go.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/02/2023 09:31

Tell your DH you'll go to his next one. Failing that that you'll start saving in case this one gets cancelled again, and is rescheduled for next year.

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:33

@Jonagirl I said the exact same thing last night. I completely agree with you. DS will be bored to tears. DH says he will book activities to take him to 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Notateacheranymore · 04/02/2023 09:33

Regardless of being his brother, if I was DH, I wouldn’t be going at such notice.

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 09:34

I’d be sending your DH only : who will be looking after the kid while de does all his BM duties ?

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:35

@Godlovesall26 MIL and FIL. They adore DS.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 09:37

Have you looked at the price difference if you add your son ?
Not to mention I’d be paying that extra fee for a refundable ticket !

VivaVivaa · 04/02/2023 09:40

Forgetting all the drama of BIL and his wife to be…I think DH should go on his own. Seems madness taking a 5 yo and I wouldn’t relish that thought, especially if I was playing a crucial role in the wedding. MIL and FIL may well adore him but are they really going to want to spend the whole of their others DS’ wedding being on child entertainment duty?

pictoosh · 04/02/2023 09:42

I don't know who these people are who think their wedding is a good thing for others to spend thousands of pounds on.

But it's his brother.
But it's his wedding.

Getting married is not an achievement or an emergency. If you haven't got thousands to fritter on attending a wedding, you haven't got it. It's not like a roll of notes is going to pop out your arse.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/02/2023 09:43

If you get a gift keep the receipt!
Dh pandering to expectations he goes is crazy..
If ils so want him /you /dc there they can pay! Not sure why attending a wedding should cost more than a card and gift. Possibly a taxi but not a bloody plane fare! ^^

MzHz · 04/02/2023 09:43

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:21

I think he's afraid B&G will be annoyed that we're not all going too. I think he thinks as it is a close family member we should be pulling out al the stops to go

Well he’s better start playing the lottery or something because you’re not in a position to piss away money on a trip you don’t want or need to take to see two silly people get married for the wrong reasons. Tell ‘em you’ll be saving the money for a trip to console him when it all goes tits up…

seriously , your DH is a child. Tell him to man up and realise that he isn’t in a position to devastate your finances on a whim. He can tell his brother that he’ll go alone or if that’s an issue, not at all. You’ve all been asking for ages for dates to plan and he’s failed to consider that his family will need time to prepare

fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

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