I wanted to go to the rocky horror show with a friend and DH has gone crazy

[bellavi]

My best friend (a gay man, married to his husband for 10 years, not that it should matter but just to give context) has invited me to go and see the rocky horror show at the theatre.

My DH has just went absolutely crazy, accusing me of wanting to dress like a "slut" and go to after parties.

I had actually invited him (dh) but he said he didn't want to go.

Aibu to think this is a massive overreaction?

OP, this is abusive. Its control and abuse.

I get that it's almost impossible to see it when you're in the middle of it, because you become conditioned to it, and so the best thing you can do is to start to educate yourself.

Look on YouTube, Google coercive control, maybe narcissist relationships.

Talk to your friend.

Once you start to see it, you'll spot it over and over, but you can get out, I promise.

@bellavi , please look at the Women's Aid website, especially the chat forum.

I feel so much for you - I was in a similar situation, you grow within a relationship and don't know anything else as that's your reality from a young age.

Please look at the WA website (you can hide it from your history to keep yourself safe), try to reach out to friends and family and ask them for help, let them know what you're going through? It's incredibly difficult to do but please try to find someone you trust implicitly to help you and make plans to leave safely 💐

I don't know which is the most upsetting
That your husband is a possessive controlling Billy
Or that you weren't sure!
Of course that's not right.

This is hard to read, you are worth so much more than living an isolated life. Do you have any friends near you who can support you ? Your mum sounds bloody useless, don't take any advice from her 🤬

I have been in your situation, and it's very easy to say just go the the 'RHS', but you know his reaction is going to be off the scale over the top.

I remember being forbidden to go to my friends 40th with my 3 year old! I went, but my word the fall out after - and I somehow ended up apologising and we had weeks of examining how I could reassure him and make him feel wanted and trust issues and all sorts of bllcks, and every perceived misdemeanour was always brought up in any future arguments to admonish me.

So I understand OP. In my case he decided to leave me when I wouldn't back down from going to a literature festival that involved an overnight stay (I'm a wild child!). The 'leaving me' only lasted 2 nights but I'd had enough and we are now divorced. It was hard and he made it as difficult as possible and somehow it ended up with everyone thinking it was my fault.

Advice? I wish I had been firmer and calmly carried on. I regret always backing down when I was being very reasonable. Stand firm. Don't allow him to isolate you. Don't get drawn into long debates. Try and ignore the sulking, plan nice things for yourself, talk to people and make sure you have your ducks in a row.

of course its a over reaction, however i wouldnt be married to someone who didnt respect rocky horror it is actually a deal breaker for me

Coercive control. I’m sorry you have been in an abusive relationship for so long and that your mother is complicit - it’s not an uncommon pattern.

Hes being totally unreasonable. What a miserable bugger he sounds. You've lost your ability to think clearly as a result of it being clouded by coercive control. Its subtle and creeps up on you gradually.
No one else knows what goes in behind closed doors and unless you tell her otherwise then you're mum obviously wouldn't be aware of his behaviour towards you.
Discuss it with the friend you're going with. I really hope you still go. How dare he think he can stop you going. Makes my blood boil for you. My user name should say Beentherehave the tshirt.......

Do you have children with this man?

Excuse all the typos!

Please get away from this man as quickly as you can. My ex husband controlled me to the point that when things ended I had absolutely no idea what my opinions were, what was ok and what was not, who was I really etc. There was other serious abuse occurring but the control is awful. You really need to get away from him as soon as you are able.

Oh you should go, it’s a great show. I have seen it a few times now.
Best one was in Brighton 🙂

You are in no way BU. That is an absolutely disgusting way to speak to your partner, or any women for that matter.

It is a great show but that really isn't the point!

If she goes her husband will make her life miserable, she needs to be putting her efforts into making an escape plan.

My mum thinks I should be grateful for having such a nice DH. He wouldn't dare speak to me like this in front of anyone else though.

He isn’t a nice DH cherub. Your mam isn’t getting the version of your DH that you do.

And that is the problem. If he has a special face and lovely behaviour for everyone but you, he isn’t a nice DH. And he isn’t a nice man.

Erm... YADNBU!
Massive over reaction on his part, and there's no way I could put up with that.
If it was me wanting to go and my DH said that, I'd be like I'm going, and I'll wear what I like.
What would be likely to happen if you said that to him?
Don't let him curtail what you wear, whether you can go out with your friends etc.

Um, OP, your husband is a jealous psychopath. Is this a brand new thing?

Obviously he’s being insane, but this response is even more concerning. What else does he try and control?

He's been verbally abusive, made unfounded accusations against you, alienated you from social contacts, coerced you into working from home, you are not sure if his behaviour is unreasonable and he would never address you that way in front of witnesses?

He's abusive and he's done a very good job of convincing you that you are the problem.

You haven't got yourself into this situation, I doubt he resembles the man you first met but this is who he has always been, he's revealed his true nature in almost imperceptible increments, which is why you find yourself where you are now.

I'm sorry he's so awful to you. Please have a look at doing the freedom program. Hopefully it will give you the knowledge to see his behaviour for what it is and the courage to leave.

Sorry I missed your follow ups. This is emotional abuse OP and it will get worse.

You don’t have a nice DP, it’s just your mum doesn’t see it (or she does but has low standards/suffered abuse herself).

Would he consider marriage counselling? Do you think you want to stay with him?

@bellavi I am not going to lie, it’s hard walking away. Your self worth and esteem is shot to shit because you are always made to feel worthless. It’s incredibly hard to imagine a life that involves being elsewhere.

You will waiver. He will make a million promises.

But you know what? Once you’ve made the move your self worth and value will improve.
That cloud that seems to hang over you will go, because well it has.

No matter how nice someone seems on the outside, you shouldn’t be grateful to be in a relationship that is abusive and controlling.

You deserve to be happy and respected. Any partner that calls you names doesn’t respect you.

You are not a child to be controlled.

Contact woman’s aid. If you cannot bear that for the short term look at a house share, whilst you look for your own place.

Would he consider marriage counselling?

Never do marriage counselling with an abuser, they will manipulate the therapist and the person being abused will feel even worse afterwards.

I'm sorry to read this.

He's completely out of order, the behaviour is controlling and unfair.

Oh, OP. Classic controlling arsehole. I'm sorry. Hop you find the strength to know you deserve much better.

Who owns the property you live in. Please find a way to leave. My lovely DH is always encouraging me to go out more often.