Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL, his new girlfriend and my DS

32 replies

AppelationStation · 03/02/2023 20:50

Flurry of posts from me lately on different stuff. Sorry. Head is a bit scrambled atm.

BIL (DHs brother) has recently separated from his wife. They have 2 small kids, just either side in age to our DC. Wife has recently moved out (just over a month). BIL now has a new girlfriend.

It's not my business and I'm not inserting myself into it.

But, BIL keeps inviting me, DH and our DC to do things with them (he and new GF). We have explained to DC that aunty and uncle have decided to live in separate houses and now his cousins have two houses and spend time at both. DCs first question was "You and Daddy aren't going to do that are you?". Assured, no.

I feel v uncomfortable taking DC there / out with them so soon. He will no doubt ask who new girlfriend is, why his aunty isn't there and why GF is there instead. If he doesn't ask, he'll wonder.

I'd rather leave it a while so aunty not being on the scene any more feels a bit more normal before introducing a new woman as his uncles partner/friend (i think kids see through the 'friend' thing anyway). It just seems, destabilising.

BIL hasn't introduced GF to his kids yet so he seems to get that that would be weird for them. But doesn't seem to comprehend that this would also raise questions for our DC. Obviously it's not the same at all. But it's the first time someone in our family has been through separation and I want to protect them from questioning the foundations of everything. DCs cousins are main peers in the family and we were one big rabble quite often.

AIBU/precious/selfish? Or is this a reasonable consideration?

They live a few hours away so popping out for an evening or visiting without DC isn't an option, and if they came here DC would obviously be here.

GF seems perfectly nice btw! No issues with her personally at all.

OP posts:
Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/02/2023 20:52

Absolutely you are in the right. BIL needs to understand you are making this a smooth transition for your kids.

WandaWonder · 03/02/2023 21:01

I would just say "we are going to say we are going to see uncle and his friend"

Different set up happen in our family and our child just gets on with it, it seem it is the adults that need to complicate things

Hercisback · 03/02/2023 21:05

Nope, not til his kids have met her.

No need for lengthy explanations, just "we're not comfortable meeting her when your kids haven't". What would the cousins say if they found your ds met her first if it's a long term thing. Or your ds says "I saw your dad's gf" to them?

Are you in touch with SIL? Maybe see the kids with her.

Tangerinie · 03/02/2023 21:09

I had this with my brother. I love him. He's probably my best mate as well as my brother. But I wasn't willing to do the whole thing with his new gf. She came on the scene very quickly after he split with his exw. Suspiciously so! So it felt disrespectful to sil to meet her.

I left it quite a long time before we met her. Even then sil was not happy about it and I got caught up in a whole shit storm over it 🙄.

Anyway, dbro isn't with the gf anymore and I never see his ex, so all is well!

Yanbu and I totally understand as it is awkward

Original poster
AppelationStation · 03/02/2023 21:09

BIL is going to stay with MIL and taking new GF. BIL wants us all to go too. So it will be very obvious to DC that this is a family gathering at granny's house, like countless others before, but this time BIL is there with 'friend' and aunty and cousins are absent. DC isn't daft.

If it was a neutral place or a coffee with friends I'd get it. This is different. If I were 7 I'd find it confusing. I'm bewildered that BIL (and MIL for that matter) don't see that. Hence wondering, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
AppelationStation · 03/02/2023 21:12

Update was in reponse to "adults complicating matters". I'd agree we do. Perhaps not in the same way you mean though.

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 03/02/2023 21:12

Agree I think it’s odd for her to meet her “step nephew” (is that a thing?) before step children.

Why isn’t BIL organising to see you with his DC instead to keep things normal for them? Sounds like he’d rather show off his new GF.

What does DH think?

Original poster
AppelationStation · 03/02/2023 21:14

@SalviaOfficinalis we saw BIL with the kids around Christmas, so we are doing that.

DH is practically horizontal about everything, particularly if it means avoiding conflict or upsetting family.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 03/02/2023 21:26

I agree, it's too soon, disrespectful of SIL and definitely not before his own DC meet her. He's trying to shoehorn GF into the family. I expect there's some justifying going on in his mind about breaking up the marriage because GF is the one. He wants to build his narrative and pushing everyone to have a relationship with her asap helps him feel justified for moving on so fast if not moving on before the split. I'd be telling him you're not meeting her until after his DC have met her.

rwalker · 03/02/2023 21:36

As long as she’s not presented as a new aunty I’d just go with a simple basic explanation
as long as you don’t make a big drama of it kids tend to be accepting she’s BIL friend

Original poster
AppelationStation · 03/02/2023 21:40

We've already met her. Before he told us what was going on, but I guessed.

He didn't break up the marriage, apparently. I try not to get involved in conversations about that. When he asked me directly, I told him to make sure the kids come first and he doesn't land himself in an acrimonious situation uneccesarilly, for their sake. Beyond that I have no opinion.

I felt it was V disrespectful to SIL, who I was quite good friends with. But she's dropped us like a hot potato since before new GF came on the scene so I feel less concerned about that now. I'm thinking more about protecting my DC, and to an extent BILs too, from any potential chaos.

(Also, selfishly, I just can't spend energy navigating it all when it could all be fleeting anyway.)

Agree too about what happens when DC says "Oh yeah, I've met X" when cousins mention it or whatever.

Just expressed my opinion to DH. He suggested the 'friend' thing. When I explained why I don't think that'll wash he looked blank and walked off. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 03/02/2023 21:54

The cousins could be furious if it later comes out that new gf met ds before them. They may not be angry now but as teenagers they may very well think wtaf.
I would not have my child meet her until the children have met her. Primarily it means you can't meet up with the cousins until they have met her because of the small probability that ds mentions her name to the cousins. I would not want to have to ask ds to not talk about the topic.

PinkPomeranian · 03/02/2023 21:56

I think you're right to tread carefully. In addition to the points raised by PP, you might consider that your DC may need some time to adjust to the marriage break up themselves and potentially feel a sense of loyalty/loss re. their former aunt.

I found it very sad when a couple of my aunts/uncles vanished from my life after their marriages ended, having been together since before I was born. They were as much a part of my life as the blood relatives and although I completely understand why it happened, as a child I was upset by the abrupt end to our relationship.

DarkShade · 03/02/2023 21:57

I feel sorry for his kids. How will they feel when they find out that their dad, his new girlfriend, their aunts and uncles, and their cousins - who are their main friends in the family - have all spent a jolly old weekend at their grandmas without them? That's the sort of shit that really makes kids think that the dad has walked out on them. How can he not see that? They've been cut out of what would have been a lovely event for them. He should take his kids, and leave the gf at home. When / if he gets to the stage of the relationship where he introduces his own kids to the gf, then he can bring the kids and the gf to grandmas, and you can all go as well.

If your DH doesn't see it from your own kids' perspective, put to him that you both love your nieces/newphews, and you won't be responsible for needless upset.

Original poster
AppelationStation · 03/02/2023 22:17

@PinkPomeranian that's exactly my thinking. His aunty has been around since before he was born. We did lots of things together. He's seen cousins and BIL once without her and found that strange. That was very recent.

@DarkShade thanks, that's a good way in with DH. Annoyingly, he'll be more concerned about being seen to do the right thing by his DM/BIL and newphews/neices than putting himself in DSs shoes.🙄

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 03/02/2023 23:01

I agree with most.

If they were local, and you (as a couple) and BiL and new GF (as a couple) could go out for a meal or to do something together as adults, that would be one thing, but it seems strange to be introducing, and trying to integrate her with the whole extended family, before they are at a stage where she has met his dc, is a bit odd.
I think YANBU .

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2023 00:41

Absolutely not. Not until BiL's children have met the new GF. I wouldn't want my DC to potentially be put in a position of 'keeping secrets' from their cousins. And I wouldn't want to be in a position to have to ask them to.

WalkingWinifred · 04/02/2023 00:46

Your BIL sounds desperate and needs to stop forcing this stranger onto everyone

EyesOnThePies · 04/02/2023 00:51

BIL is very keen to insinuate his new gf into the family as a whole. I think it’s a bit much to introduce your kids to a new partner his kids / their cousins haven’t met.

Presence of new Gf presumably means your DH is not seeing his niece / nephews if gf not being introduced yet but is always there for family meet ups? And your D.C. is not seeing their cousins.

And if they are, might well chatter about new gf.

I am sick of these men who lose all loyalty to their own kids’ interests as soon as a new gf sends their vitamin F levels soaring. Selfish thoughtless gits.

FictionalCharacter · 04/02/2023 03:20

If he hasn't introduced her to his own kids, he should understand why it's too soon to introduce her to yours.

Tiani4 · 04/02/2023 07:52

It's not a family meet up though is it? It's an introduce new gf of Uncle to the family one month after Aunty moved out their house.

If it was a family get together , BIL would be taking his DCs not his new gf

That's far too soon . Literally one month after he separated from Aunty

Unfair on DS ti be put in that position. And you really .

If and when BIL's new gf is serious & long term enough to be introduced to his own DCs, that's same time that your DS (who was also fond of his Aunty )

No one would be fooled by the 'friend of uncle' line and it'd become obvious in time that it was a lie if gf sticks around. And if she doesn't stick around then that's be more reason not to introduce random women to DS.

Totally unfair on DS and BILs DCs to have DS meet her and have "big family get together" first without them!! Shock

Maray1967 · 04/02/2023 07:59

EyesOnThePies · 04/02/2023 00:51

BIL is very keen to insinuate his new gf into the family as a whole. I think it’s a bit much to introduce your kids to a new partner his kids / their cousins haven’t met.

Presence of new Gf presumably means your DH is not seeing his niece / nephews if gf not being introduced yet but is always there for family meet ups? And your D.C. is not seeing their cousins.

And if they are, might well chatter about new gf.

I am sick of these men who lose all loyalty to their own kids’ interests as soon as a new gf sends their vitamin F levels soaring. Selfish thoughtless gits.

I agree with this. His own kids haven’t met her. If your DH wants to go to the meet up he can go alone. I would have no problem explaining to MIL why mine won’t be there.

Campervangirl · 04/02/2023 08:02

Does your DC know that they've split up?
If not I'd have that conversation in a child friendly way, DC are going to find out eventually, they'll also probably have friends at school whose parents live separately.
As you've already met her and SIL is NC with you (not going to cause an upset there) there's no problem with your DC meeting her too, as a friend of BIL

Lkydfju · 04/02/2023 08:11

How long has it actually been since they separated?
6 months then fine for girlfriend to be introduced as his friend although kids aren’t stupid in my experience. 4 months I’d be unsure but wobbling, less than 4 months certainly not.
im also wondering how it’d play out for his kids for yours to have met the girlfriend first as inevitably kids do talk even if they don’t often see each other. I met DSD whrn DH and I had been together for 6 months and by that time I’d met his parents and sister a handful of times but we’ve always played that down whereas kids can’t be expected to do that

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/02/2023 08:12

My kids think grown ups come in pairs because of our family, everyone has been in a couple since they were born. I think they'd cop fairly quickly what the "friend" girlfriend was because no one has ever brought a "friend" to a family gathering before. I also think it would be fairly clear to them (rightly or wrongly) that uncle used to be uncle/aunts/cousins and is now uncle/friend. And quite frankly that's not a conversation I could be arsed having with my kids to suit my DB or DBIL playing happily families. I'd think on it more if it was a big family event (that DB was choosing his GF over his kids for) but on the whole I've enough questions I don't want to answer in my life without delving into anyone else's.

Swipe left for the next trending thread