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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get really attached to people and miss them a lot when they leave my life?

65 replies

sosadd · 03/02/2023 19:41

I'm a really sentimental, sensitive kind of person and it makes life feel so abrasive and difficult. One way it shows itself is I get really attached to people, even random acquaintances and I find myself missing them when they are no longer in my life. It doesn't feel healthy to be honest. I don't know if it's because I'm struggling with change, but I get quite upset when colleagues leave the company. I wish they would all stay forever and I'd have the same, consistent group around me. I especially find it hard when I know I'll never see them again, e.g. if they move abroad. Just the idea of the finality of never seeing them again, or hearing their voice. It weirds me out.

My manager left the company this week and I am heartbroken. I've cried every evening this week, and when they put in a meeting for our final 1:1 I cried at the Teams notification. It's ridiculous. I watched at 5:30 as their status went from online to offline, knowing they are never going to log in again, never going to review my work again. I know I'm being weird and kind of creepy to be honest lol, I know it's OTT, but I don't know how to get over myself and have a more normal reaction.

Is anyone else like this?

OP posts:
sunshineonroses · 05/02/2023 09:15

I understand completely, especially what you said about watching them log off for the last time. Like you are watching them fade and then disappear. I find it helps me to see things like this because I struggle if things don't have a definite 'end'. When friends or colleagues move on I don't seem to think of them as 'gone'. They are still part of the fabric of my life in the same way my old school friends were. Some people write people off as gone from their life if they don't see them for a year or so, but I've never been like that.

JoanOgden · 05/02/2023 09:23

You sound lovely, OP! It is brilliant that you can build such good relationships with people. You should think of this as a great personal strength. Remember that just as people leave your life, new people will enter it and you will become deeply fond of them in turn.

Do you have good, long-lasting friends out of work? I find leaving jobs where I've been happy really painful, but try to remind myself that colleagues come and go whereas many of my friends I've known for 20 years or more.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 05/02/2023 09:27

DarkNurseries · 03/02/2023 21:28

Except the OP never said anything to suggest that she views everyone as actors in her personal theatre. She admits to being over-emotional and change-averse, but maybe she genuinely forms intense bonds easily?

Show quote history

Whoosh. It was an analogy.

Sapphire387 · 05/02/2023 10:01

It doesn't always have to be final. Some people drift away completely; others may well come back into our lives at some point.

Auldfangsyne · 05/02/2023 10:36

What is your life like outside work OP?

I work in an intense environment with colleagues who I am close to and would be gutted if they left.

I do however have a lovely friendship group outside of work. If I didn't have friends or family I would perhaps be more invested in work friendships.

NRCOA · 05/02/2023 15:32

You sound alot like me and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few years ago. Have a look online and see if any of the other symptoms resonate with you.

SuffolkUnicorn · 05/02/2023 15:42

Abandonment issues no need for other posters mocking

BlackeyedSusan · 05/02/2023 15:46

Autism?

Soproudoflionesses · 05/02/2023 15:47

I can be a bit like this too op.
Soon move on but always feel a sense of loss.

Bedusa · 05/02/2023 15:48

Yep this is me as well OP. Look up limerence it might be that. It takes me years to get over people leaving my life. I'm 42.

BillyNighysWife · 05/02/2023 15:54

I am exactly like you OP. I don’t understand some responses on the thread. There is no need to pathologise feelings like this. Some people feel very attached to others. I don’t know where society would be without people like you (and me). I bet you also are good at making new people to your social circle feel welcome and you remember birthdays and celebrate births and weddings with real feeling and enthusiasm. People who do this are the glue of social relationships. It’s a very positive quality to feel attached.

Having said that, if you feel you actually suffer for long periods when people move on normally eg. at work you might want to think about how you can prepare yourself for the inevitable feelings of loss as you move through life. I am 60 and a huge number of people have come and gone from my life (not more than is normal, but I feel and remember each one!). It does get a bit easier as you get older because you look back and realise you are able to move on from loss and that great new people take their place.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with your feelings but you do need to learn how to regulate them and time will help.

StanFransDisco · 05/02/2023 15:56

I think you have attachment issues. Can I recommend that you follow Dr Nicole LePera on Twitter? She's absolutely brilliant at explaining what may have caused such issues and how you can resolve them. I for one completely get where you're coming from, and with a lot of therapy and posts like that Dr puts up on Twitter I have a much better understanding as to what the root cause is and how to deal with it. You're not a freak and you're not mad. There's something ( most likely in your childhood) that's caused these feelings and its well worth finding out what.

LadyJ2023 · 05/02/2023 15:57

Goodness sake it does not have to be anything from childhood..we are all made differently if we were all the same how boring would we be. Yes it's extreme but we all have our odd ways. You should see mine 😅

StanFransDisco · 05/02/2023 16:06

@LadyJ2023 I don't know why you're so exasperated. There is research literally everywhere which shows that our childhood experiences have a massive impact on shaping who we are as adults. (Of course we are all different. Nobody is disputing that.)

NRCOA · 05/02/2023 16:11

LadyJ2023 · 05/02/2023 15:57

Goodness sake it does not have to be anything from childhood..we are all made differently if we were all the same how boring would we be. Yes it's extreme but we all have our odd ways. You should see mine 😅

Actually, you are wrong. Many issues stem from childhood traumas; BPD certainly does, and the fear of abandonment is one of the most prominent symptoms.

MeanderingGently · 05/02/2023 16:16

I absolutely understand this OP. I have done this recently, been upset about someone leaving work.
I don't have any issues from childhood, I'm normally very OK with change and have moved jobs/countries/people and so on without problems generally.

But with some people, it's really problematic. We also had a manager leave very suddenly at work, I got to know him but he hadn't been there long, and it was hardly as though we worked together. But I was gutted when he left, I did cry and couldn't bear going in to work knowing he wasn't there any more, it lasted for many weeks. It still upsets me now, so you have my sympathies.....

Gwenhwyfar · 05/02/2023 16:37

I think you're healthier than people who feel no attachments to anyone they're not extremely close to, people who can move areas at a drop of a hat and not worry about missing anyone or about the difficulty of making new friends.
Also, a manager leaving is different from other colleagues' leaving, it's a bit of an abandonment because psychologically managers have a parental role in our lives, even younger managers.

BillyNighysWife · 05/02/2023 16:38

Of course lots of feelings and behaviours stem from childhood. Maybe the majority of things we do as adults have their roots in childhood. Obviously. But that doesn’t mean that we have to pathologise them, give them labels or go for counselling and therapy.

I really think it’s sad that some people like the OP are told there is something wrong with them. Just because they react slightly differently to others. And as I said earlier, feeling attached to people is a very positive quality. We could do with more people in the world like that.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/02/2023 16:43

Aww love it's just you. Lovely sentimental you. Transition is easier for some than others. I have a friend just like you and we tease her about it but love her for it too.

TellySavalashairbrush · 05/02/2023 16:46

I definitely used to be like this, but have changed as I hit my 40s. I now appreciate the times I have had with former friends, colleagues, but then think about all the new people I will come into contact with in the future. I also used to be very enmeshed with my siblings, but realised that aside from being related we are actually quite different people and would be unlikely to be friends if we were not related. That thought initially devastated me when I was younger, now it doesn't . Try to enjoy the here and now and the people in your life at the time. If you are in your 20s now, you have so many people that are going to come in and out of your life. Enjoy it.

StanFransDisco · 05/02/2023 16:49

@BillyNighysWife I wasn't for a moment suggesting the OP is abnormal or has something wrong with her ( if it's my response you are referring to.) I can only speak from my own experience, which is that having a label for how I feel and respond to certain things has really REALLY helped me reach a better understanding of who I am and how my brain operates. If you go to the doctor with a whole host of symptoms and he or she says .. aha.. based on your symptoms I suggest you have x and the treatment is y....Would you disagree with this label also? ( diabetic, arthritic,whatever.) With my 'label' I feel like a veil has lifted. I've come out of the darkness into their light. What the OP described resonated strongly with me and in extreme circumstances can actually be quite debilitating.

crochetcrazy1978 · 05/02/2023 16:50

I'm a bit like this. Really hate the finality of goodbyes and find it hard to process. I've realised I'm actually probably autistic (both kids diagnosed made me see the similarities with myself) and I've wondered if my difficulties with goodbyes is a neurodivergent issue of struggle with change / transition.

cultkid · 05/02/2023 16:52

I am exactly the same
Going to read the thread for any tips
It's exhausting x

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 05/02/2023 16:55

If it bothers you, and makes you feel unhappy, it might be worth finding someone (therapist) to get to the root of what sounds like an insecure attachment style… something in your childhood? I’m no Freud though

if it does not bother you, just accept yourself for what you are, everyone is different and being caring is not a negative as such

PinkRiceKrispies · 05/02/2023 18:26

I am the same. Also following for tips.
I hate it that when colleagues go, they just move on without thinking about me or missing me but I miss them hugely. It's hard and I totally understand OP x