Child’s Fathers Family

[Mama198]

I’m not in contact with my child’s father but communicate sometimes with his sister. His sister will sometimes check in, but she barely asks about my child beyond asking how they’re doing. She’s seen my child twice since they were born (my child is 17 months), and I’m just starting to feel like my child is not a priority and she checks in as more of a checklist task than out of actually concern. I’ve recommended things that would involve her spending more time with my child and she’s seemed enthusiastic about it but then doesn’t make much effort on following through. She says the family want to meet my child, but doesn’t actually put any plans in motion. The breakup between my child’s father and me wasn’t good, and I feel very uncomfortable around his family, so to be in communication with his sister is a big move out of my comfort zone and I’m starting to feel like pulling back from communicating with her also. Am I being unreasonable?

I find if the child’s father isn’t involved the family don’t usually bother either, none of my exes family have ever bothered with my children not even a text…

Why are you bothering? The family make you uncomfortable and you have no contact with the father…stop making trouble for yourself and let this go. They don’t sound bothered OP, see this as a blessing for your sanity and move on.

Don’t bother with her, she’s not really interested. You’ve got no contact with the father so there’s really no point.

I don’t want to sound mean OP, but it’s really not her responsibility. It’s t might be best to just let it go.

I chose to stop contact with the father as he wanted everything on his terms and was mentally exhausting, and it got too much trying to deal with him otherwise he would be in the picture currently. I chose to contact the sister as the “easier option”, with the hope that she would know my child enough to be able to support a relationship with the father without my involvement, but I guess it’s a case of the grass not being greener because she’s proving to be as useless as the dad

I’ve heard this from another person also. But he has another child who his family is quite involved with, in the same breath she is a friend, but also we have very different personalities and appears to force herself into a deeper involvement with the family whereas I’m a bit more self-sufficient. His mother has reached out to me before but I had to cut ties as she disregarded the boundaries that I set.

I 100% agree. But she keeps on messaging every so often to see how we are but it just seems pointless because it’s literally just a “how are you” and done conversation. Also we work in the same area😬. My post was more so to get an opinion on if I’m overacting if I just start ignoring her….

I think you do need to keep making some efforts, because these people are your DC's blood relations and one day she may be curious about them. And on that day it will be much better if you can say that you really did everything possible.

Not going overboard, not putting yourself out unduly. So respond positively when she contacts you. You contact her at similar intervals. Extend the odd invitation, and send actual cards with photos in them at Christmas (and any other card-sending occasions).

Sporadic contact surely won't tie up too much time or effort?

So you've decided she'll not have a relationship with her Dad because it doesn't suit you, and the same for Nan. So yeah, for the sake of a few texts a year, I'd maintain contact. Stop suggesting things, just give a proper update when she asks and then at least when daughter is older and asks about family, there's someone there

I do send the odd invitation and as I said, she acts enthusiastically and then she doesn’t act on it. I am meeting her half way, but I don’t like small talk conversations for the sake of having them. She should care enough about her brothers child to actually ask real questions and make real effort. I need to feel assured that should a relationship be built one day that my child will feel genuinely welcomed.

I’m sure a child would want to know that their family actually cares about who they are, what they like, how they want to be cared for etc? Not just knowing someone for the sake of knowing them right?

It’s not at all because “it doesn’t suit me” it’s because, as I said, it’s mentally exhausting. I don’t need to explain the ins and outs of my situation but a child would prefer to have a mentally healthy mother than a mother with poor mental because of their father. If your ex’s mother was calling you non-stop, and texting you at silly hours of the morning, and sending pictures of your ex’s other child, and you set a boundary to not do those things and they said “ok” but continued, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t gleefully accept that.

Personally I worked very hard at keeping my children’s father’s family in their lives on the grounds that the more people to love and support them the better. However they were interested and also make a lot of effort. You sound irritated and hurt by her her not checking as much as you’d like, but tbh it’s not about you. I’d keep sending friendly updates and promote the relationship for the sake of your child.

This.
It’s nice of her to check in….but it’s not her child, and it doesn’t sound like you were close before the child was born. Why would your child be her priority?
YABU to want to cut contact because she’s not meeting your high unspoken expectations when it comes to building a relationship with your child. It’s your child’s father who is responsible.

I think you’re missing the point because it’s not about how often it’s about the quality. If she checked in every few months with actual questions about my child’s development, what’s they’re like etc genuine interest then I wouldn’t mind. Having someone frequently (which isn’t next to nothing which again shows this isn’t about the amount of time) just saying “how are you” and that’s literally it, isn’t really great. And that doesn’t tell me that there’s a genuine interest in my child, which was also my original point so no this isn’t about me- that’s correct.

Thanks, I know the father is responsible but she’s the one who’s contacting hence this post is a question about her. Not once did I say she should take responsibility as this isn’t what the post is about.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Why should she care about your childs development when the father won’t?
It probably is a tick box exercise as her brother sounds like a bit of a shit

Sorry to be blunt, but does a tedious conversation only a few times a year really have an impact on your mental health? If so, them you need to mention this to your GP/psychiatrist/psychologist next time you have an appointment (and if you don't have one coming up, then make one - that level of difficulty needs attention)

And yes, prioritise that, as you are right that mental illness if not well controlled will have an impact on your DC. So get support to get better, so you can do these things (which are really pretty ordinary)

But don't think in terms of "I'm sure she'd rather have a healthy mother than XYZ". Because when healthy you will be able to do it.

You've come this far. Keep it up - you don't have to do more until you are in better shape.

Well she has literally said that she checks on my child because her brother isn’t and that her whole family know he’s an asshole. But I feel disappointed because she acts as though she’s fully invested but doesn’t follow through and that just makes me question her genuine care for my child. She said she wanted to be apart of my support system for my child, but obviously hasn’t been. I personally just don’t like being told one thing and shown another. As a single mother it’s really hard when someone offers support but actually doesn’t mean it. If she didn’t want to support then this would never have been an issue, but she said she did. It would nice to be able to tell my child that when I was struggling at least one of her other side was there to help and be assured that they will always have that support if needed.

Most people would understand this! Unfortunately some people lack any empathy or are on the same page as useless family members.

Distance yourself. Concentrate on relationships which enrich your life. It's all about support.

I mean this in a nice way but you can't control every situation. Your child will thank you for keeping the door open when they are older. They are still tiny.... perhaps the relationship will be more successful once they are older and auntie can take them out.

It’s not a few times a year, I’m not understanding where that impression has come from? If it was a few times a year I wouldn’t have made this post because it wouldn’t really matter. I’ve said frequent.

I don’t mind you being blunt about certain aspects of this post but you’re crossing the line into inconsiderate mentioning my mental health as if you have any idea about what steps I have and haven’t done to be better for my child and myself, or the mental state that I’m in right now. I’ve literally written a few sentences about my situation so you don’t have enough information to even advise on that. This is meant to be a forum to support us as mothers, not belittle them for asking a simple question that you don’t like the sound off. If you don’t like what I’ve said you could just have left it at you find I’m being unreasonable, which is fair.

I’m more than happy to support their relationship when I don’t have to be so involved, but the fact is she needs to get to know my child (and vice versa) before it even gets to a point that she can just take my child out (which I would actually prefer for a number of reasons). Would you give your child to a stranger? As a child would you have been comfortable going off with someone you don’t know just because they say they’re your aunt? Yes it’s a blood relative, but a child isn’t going to understand a blood relative from a stranger without having a built in relationship.

100% on the lacking empathy! I thought Mumsnet was about women coming together to support each other, not try to belittle and tear others down based of a tiny snippet of what someone is ACTUALLY going through. This is why men get away with being crap fathers and people wonder why mothers mental health is so fragile smh.

Thanks sometimeswinning❤️

I wasn't getting at you nor insinuating your mental health was poor.
I just remember when my ds2 was a baby how hard I found it as I felt they (his paternal family) weren't playing ball. He is now 21 and he is thankful that I built a relationship over time. I wanted them to love him as much as I did.
He never saw his dad (he was in the army) but I knew his grandparents and aunts loved him. We did chats and phone calls whilst he was little and as he got older they developed how they spent time with him. I had to trust them a bit and trust they had his best intentions at heart. If I felt they didn't I would have stopped it. They were also juggling how poorly his dad behaved and their expectations of him.
Just reply (when you want to) and offer.
If she doesn't take you up on it you haven't lost anything but you have put him first.
Good luck :)

I mentioned your mental health because you did:

"I don’t need to explain the ins and outs of my situation but a child would prefer to have a mentally healthy mother than a mother with poor mental because of their father"

Now perhaps I was wrong in thinking that this applied to all contact with any member of your DC's paternal family. But you come across as worried that you have or are seriously at risk of having metal health issues. Because that's what you said.

That is why I recommended additional input of MH services, so that contact with people you find difficult no longer puts you at risk in this way.