Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drinking too much - mixed feelings

47 replies

PowerthruIT · 03/02/2023 09:38

Hi all,

Reaching out for any advice from others experiences on drinking.

We have a toddler 2 years now and since DD birth my DH drinking has slowing increased to the point he drinks 5/6 days out of seven mainly at home (as naturally we don't get out socialising as much as we used to). He very rarely drinks to the point of being visibly drunk, some evenings it might only be 2/3 beers but other evenings (mainly weekends) he can easily put away 2 bottles of wine throughout the late afternoon into the evening - but still as he consumes slowly (usually watching some sport or cooking for us/family) he is never really drunk.

For the record I still have a drink so am not anti drinking but just concerned about his habit. When I have tried to speak to him he brushes it off and says I should give him a break as his only vice is having a drink. He doesn't hit the spirits and does not smoke or any recreational drugs. He also says I should be happy he is not like some of my friends DHs who bearly lift a finger helping out with Parenthood (which is true)

I do sometimes feel guilty having a moan at him as on the flip side he is relatively fit and hits the gym 3/4 times a week, does more than his fair share of housework, holds down a decent job and always give DD lots of attention, bathes her every night and takes her swimming etc.

But I am concerned that his habit could slowly lead down a more darker path.

Am I being unreasonable and over worrying? I expect this can be common in middle aged men but does that make it okay?

Any experiences shared much appreciated

OP posts:
FromMyKitchen21 · 03/02/2023 09:43

You are the closest person to him and your instinct is most likely correct. It’s far too much and no, not everyone does it. In our case my partners spiralled after having kids too, he just couldn’t cope with the extra stress. Even if he claims he’s ok he is treating you as the default parent. If he’s onto the second bottle then he’s not a responsible adult and he can’t react in an emergency or just bring them out. I’m afraid you can’t change him but don’t let him tell you you are over reacting . My partner did eventually get help but it took years and it was a slow slide

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2023 09:43

I think you're right to be very worried. Your husband is on a very slippery slope. He's drinking far too much and gaslighting you into thinking it's not a problem. It's a problem.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/02/2023 09:45

Of course it's not ok - and nothing to do with being middle-aged!

2 bottles in a day is a massive amount. Cumulatively he is also hugely exceeding his limit over the week with the amount he drinks daily.

It's also alarming that he has increased since your DC was born - is it an overall increase, or is he now doing the drinking he did outside the house before, at home?

Either way, he has a drink problem.

Additionally, he cannot be meaningfully parenting or being a proper partner if he's consuming that much alcohol with that frequency.

You need to discuss it with him & take it from there.

FromMyKitchen21 · 03/02/2023 09:45

When I say you can’t change him, I mean he has to recognise it as a problem. Alcoholics will argue black is white to keep drinking. Lots of them hold down jobs too but it’s a slope

Useitorloseit · 03/02/2023 09:48

I could have written this post myself except mine never drinks wine, just beer (not that it's any better!). He's a great father, does housework, takes kids out etc. We barely have a cross word, get on so well and have a really good life. I do feel the drinking may ruin it one day and I pray it won't. I have thought about bringing it up with him on numerous occasions I just never do. I don't really have any advice, just solidarity that I'm in exactly the same position as you.

pointythings · 03/02/2023 09:50

He's definitely drinking at levels that will endanger his health if he continues, and that should be reason enough for him to make changes. He won't though, he doesn't see it as a problem. You can't change him, all you can do is decide what you can and cannot live with. Right now he is still a functioning partner in very many ways, but it is likely that will not last. This kind of drinking tends to go in only one direction, and the vast majority of functioning alcoholics end up turning into non-functioning alcoholics.

If I were you, I would seek out some support for yourself from Al-Anon or SMART Family&Friends, so that you feel less alone and can mentally prepare yourself for when (more than likely not if) things start to slide in the darker direction you mention.

I've been where you are. I'm a widow now.

Lcb123 · 03/02/2023 09:52

To be a good dad and husband he needs to be healthy, and sounds like he is regularly exceeding NHS recommended alcohol limits - no amount of gym will cancel that out. I'd approach it from a health perspective, and wanting to be healthy for your child's sake. Can you suggest some gentle rules like no drinking Mon-Thursday? or try some non alcoholic beers, so still feels like a treat

KangarooKenny · 03/02/2023 09:53

He is drinking too much to be healthy. Going to the gym won’t help his liver.
The most worrying part is him gaslighting you.
And I just want to give you my solidarity, I am living with a man who drinks a bottle of wine a day but denies he has a problem.

LolaMoon · 03/02/2023 09:54

You arent overreacting. 2 bottles of wine in a night is a massive amount and despite what he says it WILL be detrimentally affecting his health even if he cant see that now. Just one drink a day increases your risk of cancer, strokes, dementia in later life etc. Alcohol also causes chronic inflammation in the body and inflammation is now thought to be the beginnings of pretty much all health issues and harmful disease.

Addiction is a bit of a blurry line but I would say that his complete denial and justifications such as "well, its my only vice" and the inability to stop for one night does indeed indicate an unhealthy reliance on alcohol. Eg. if he even said "yeah, it probably isnt good for me long term" or "ok, I'll knock it on the head for a bit" etc - that would at least be him acknowledging that it could lead to a problem. Lots of people think if they go to the gym etc that means they are healthy and offsets their alcohol consumption but it really doesnt. In fact, it can be dangerous working out hard with a hangover.

The problem with alcohol is that its a slippery slope- you dont go immediately to 2 bottles of wine, it likely started off with 1 bottle and then progressed as tolerance levels increased and you have to drink more to get the same effects. I would be concerned that as time goes on he'll have to drink 2.5 bottles or 3 as his tolerance level increases. I think you need to sit down and have word with him- I also really recommend the book alcohol explained by William Porter.

Hideinthecupboard · 03/02/2023 10:04

Another hand hold.
On the surface we look happy but behind closed doors he will be fine and not drink a drop for months and then something stresses him at work (or as per last night I was ill and couldn't support him). He will say he's had two but I know he's lying because he slurs and he calls me abusive. He's off work today because he's over done it. I'm left picking up the child care and wearing my happy face. Next year I'm going back to uni to retrain (I've got my offer) and he's looking after the children but I'm so scared he will sabotage my efforts. I was called a leach this morning but I replied a leach who helped you progress in your career and gave you free child care.
It will take me a long time to get my ducks in a row. Sorry for the long rant. Stay strong and please do not be me.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/02/2023 10:20

Being visibly drunk doesn't mean a thing - alcoholics can put away bottles of spirits without it seeming to affect them - they look sober but you can sometimes smell it coming out of their pores. All the latest research says that there is no safe level of alcohol at all. And before I get flamed - I like a drink too. But it is becoming really clear that limits and cutting down are only limiting harm, not keeping you safe.

SpringRumba · 03/02/2023 10:38

My DH is the same. He's always enjoyed wine but now drinks at least a bottle a night, by himself, every day of the week. His new year resolution was to not drink Mon-Thurs at home but he didn't even last a day.

He thinks he doesn't get drunk and whilst he may not be rolling around on the floor he is clearly affected by it. The most obvious impact is his weight and his lack of energy the next day, he can never get through a day without napping.

We also have a toddler and he finds it difficult having to be 'on' all the time when she's awake.

I've tried addressing it but he won't listen.

billy1966 · 03/02/2023 10:50

He has a drink problem already and you are being naive if you don't see that.

He's on that path.

Protect yourself and your child.

Raising a child with an alcoholic is an awful childhood.

Do not get pregnant again.

KangarooKenny · 03/02/2023 10:51

You are young, please don’t be me either. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways and cut down/stop. But if he doesn’t you need to be financially able to do it yourself, just make sure you could if you need to.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/02/2023 10:59

"I do sometimes feel guilty having a moan at him as on the flip side he is relatively fit and hits the gym 3/4 times a week, does more than his fair share of housework, holds down a decent job and always give DD lots of attention, bathes her every night and takes her swimming etc."

So, he's one of those "functioning alcoholics". Your husband HAS drinking problem. Don't get fooled it's under control.

Seaweed42 · 03/02/2023 11:01

"He also says I should be happy he is not like some of my friends DHs who bearly lift a finger helping out with Parenthood (which is true)"
This is a bullshit argument because he's basically saying he's reaching quite high but on a very low bar but other Dad's low bars are rock bottom.

Say to him, this is not about parenting, it's about a person's reliance on a drug in order to self medicate.
He needs to go to therapy and figure out are the feelings he's trying to numb.

Two bottles of wine on your own is a lot. That's equivalent to 7.5 pints of beer.

If it's 'common in middle-aged men' where are you getting those stats from?
That's more minimising of it maybe.
The beers during the week are just keeping it ticking over until he can go all out at the weekend.

Do you keep vodka in the house? If so I'd be secretly keeping an eye on the levels on the bottle.

Tangerinie · 03/02/2023 11:03

I don't think two bottles of wine in a day is coming among middle aged men these days. My parents' generation were heavy drinkers, but they're now either cutting down, cutting it out or running into serious health problems.

I don't know what the answer is, but he clearly is drinking too much, whatever else he does in terms of parenting and the gym

Tangerinie · 03/02/2023 11:03

Common*

I have very aggressive autocorrect today

SleeplessInEngland · 03/02/2023 11:05

A couple of beers and evening would be ok, certainly not unusual, but clearly a couple of bottles of wine at regular intervals is too much. It's tough because in his mind he really is ok everything else - you say he does a lot of housework, has a good job and goes to the guym a lot - so there's nothing to fix.

Rainbowclimbinghigh · 03/02/2023 11:23

No, it's not right and you are correct to be worried.

What's concerning is both the dependence of drinking pretty much every night of the week and the quantity. Also, his denial that it's a problem.

Sounds like he could be drinking anywhere between about 50 and 80 units a week? That is a huge amount and will be affecting his health, even if he doesn't yet have any symptoms. The liver is pretty resilient until it isn't. Liver disease doesn't have any symptoms until the damage is pretty far down the line.

I don't know how common this level of drinking is, but my DH doesn't drink at home, unless it's Christmas or a birthday and doesn't really go out either.

Tbh I don't think habitual drinking is good for anyone.

Rainbowclimbinghigh · 03/02/2023 11:26

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/02/2023 10:20

Being visibly drunk doesn't mean a thing - alcoholics can put away bottles of spirits without it seeming to affect them - they look sober but you can sometimes smell it coming out of their pores. All the latest research says that there is no safe level of alcohol at all. And before I get flamed - I like a drink too. But it is becoming really clear that limits and cutting down are only limiting harm, not keeping you safe.

Also this. It's basically just a toxin. The only reason we have recommended levels is because the government can't ban it altogether. But they're not 'safe' levels, because no level of drinking is safe.

vix3rd · 03/02/2023 11:29

My alcoholic neighbour (Yes she is an alcoholic - She goes into withdrawl without the booze & has been sectioned / put into rehab to try and get her to stop) drinks 2 bottles of white wine (Stowells 12% for choice) a day - then lies in a drunken stupor till it's the morning again & she can go to the shop and buy more.

2 bottles of wine is a LOT ! Can you gather up all the empty bottles from the week & show him exactly how much he's drinking ?

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 11:39

@PowerthruIT
Your DH is a functioning alcoholic and you've a right to be concerned for both his health and also what it means for your DCs care and his ability to react in an emergency or crisis

Say he drinks 15 beers during week (30 plus units) them 4 bottles of wine at weekend (48 units) that's 78 units a week

www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/calculating-alcohol-units/

Higher risk drinking
Higher risk drinking for women is regularly drinking more than 35 units per week and for men regularly drinking more than 50 units per week. People in this group are likely to already be experiencing health damage from their alcohol use, even if it is not yet evident.

From www.gov.uk/government/publications/delivering-better-oral-health-an-evidence-based-toolkit-for-prevention/chapter-12-alcohol

Jimboscott0115 · 03/02/2023 11:53

Yeah it's too much OP and good that you've recognised it. The biggest issue is that he doesn't seem to realise it himself, as someone who can fall into the trap of daily drinking when stressed, recognising it and monitoring it is key.

I think the 'drink free days' campaign was really helpful in this respect and is generally an easy starting point for those not in the full throws of addiction but are drinking too much like your husband is. Regardless of how much I drink overall (and I rarely binge drink anyway), I set myself a minimum of 4 days a week where I don't touch alcohol, it's a bit restrictive at busy times, but it becomes a good habit over time.

LavenderHillMob · 03/02/2023 12:33

It's unfortunately more common than it should be OP - I typically see people buying 6-8 bottles of beer or a couple of bottles of wine when I stop for petrol on my way home. It's a regular daily routine for many.

That doesn't mean it's OK. It impacts on people's health and relationships and affects the people they love.