DH drinking too much - mixed feelings

[PowerthruIT]

Hi all,

Reaching out for any advice from others experiences on drinking.

We have a toddler 2 years now and since DD birth my DH drinking has slowing increased to the point he drinks 5/6 days out of seven mainly at home (as naturally we don't get out socialising as much as we used to). He very rarely drinks to the point of being visibly drunk, some evenings it might only be 2/3 beers but other evenings (mainly weekends) he can easily put away 2 bottles of wine throughout the late afternoon into the evening - but still as he consumes slowly (usually watching some sport or cooking for us/family) he is never really drunk.

For the record I still have a drink so am not anti drinking but just concerned about his habit. When I have tried to speak to him he brushes it off and says I should give him a break as his only vice is having a drink. He doesn't hit the spirits and does not smoke or any recreational drugs. He also says I should be happy he is not like some of my friends DHs who bearly lift a finger helping out with Parenthood (which is true)

I do sometimes feel guilty having a moan at him as on the flip side he is relatively fit and hits the gym 3/4 times a week, does more than his fair share of housework, holds down a decent job and always give DD lots of attention, bathes her every night and takes her swimming etc.

But I am concerned that his habit could slowly lead down a more darker path.

Am I being unreasonable and over worrying? I expect this can be common in middle aged men but does that make it okay?

Any experiences shared much appreciated

This amount of drinking doesn't really put someone down as a raging alcoholic in my book.

Plus it appears his behaviour is good in all other areas of life and he takes care of himself through exercise.

I think the real problem is that it establishes a platform to move onto a higher level. Once you establish this level of drinking and it becomes normal/a pattern, if the level increases much above this due to stress or some other problem in life then you will start to have issues.

It's difficult if he is an otherwise perfect partner. I would probably explain to him that while it doesn't feel like an issue now, it is close to a point where it could become an issue if it increases much further and is better to try to reduce now than end up in a bad place. It's at a start where it could become a threat in the future, rather than it being a threat now.

You can help cutbacks by buying say only 14 cans a week and when they are drunk they are drunk until the next 14. That way 2-3 a night becomes 2. And also the same with wine. You could also consider a dry month to try to test the level of physical addiction. But ultimately he will probably only go for this stuff if he agrees with you and is concerned himself about where it may lead in the future.

The trouble is that if you start trying to regulate whet they drink, they call you controlling. So you can’t win.

It's a hard one if it isnt actually currently affecting your lives.

However it sounds more like an addiction than a 'vice' (or are they the same thing?)

I hate the 'well other men are shit and don't lift a finger' argument. What's that got to do with anything? This is your relationship. And sounds like a teenager saying 'everyone elses parents let's them do x'

I think you are right to be concerned. He is ok with that level of drinking now but the safe limits are there for a reason ans he is massively increasing the chances of negative outcomes which affect you and your daughter such as cancer alzheimers stroke etc as well as increasing the chances of accidents etc. So it might not affect you now but it is likely to affect your entire family in the future

I know a couple of people who drink like this

one had a liver function test at the request of her DH. It came out fine and he regretted asking I think!

I think if they know the risk, that’s that really. We know a chap who died at 49 after saying he’d pack it in at 50. He was the primary caregiver for his children. It’s probably going to be the ruin of the family. I think 50 isn’t a magic cut off age.

the only thing you can do is express your concern or say if you’re likely to leave.

My husband's late partner was like this. It only became apparent after DSD was born. She was a 'functioning alcoholic' who died of liver failure at 43. Your husband needs to wake up. His drinking is not normal.

Two bottles of wine should make anyone smashed that's worrying

In your shoes my boundary would be if his intake increased, his behaviour deteriorated (eg he started to have trouble at work, he drove after drinking, a concerning episode at home), or he decided to switch to spirits for any reason (including the excuse they are less fattening.)

You're not being unreasonable but the thing is, you can't do anything unless he realises he has a problem. He probably does already realise but may not want to admit it.

Well done for taking the brave step in going to uni. I would suggest you look into leaving now, rather wait for him to sabotage it when you really need your head clear. It is likely that you might receive help with funding childcare, etc and would be so much easier all round if you didn't have to deal with this. He already punished you last night and this morning for feeling unwell, he is not going to support you in September and you deserve to move forward in life.
Maybe ask on the student parents and relationships boards, and seek advice from the university about funding available.

As someone who has had alcoholic family members, deal breaker for me.

But it might not be that severe for DH

GasPanic · Today 12:56
This amount of drinking doesn't really put someone down as a raging alcoholic in my book.

I would agree that he is not a raging alcoholic. But it would appear that he cannot function without overindulging in alcohol every day, it doesn't put him in the raging bracket, but he certainly shows all of the traits of alcohol dependency. He is not heading for a darker path, he is on it.

I think people get hung up on the word alcoholic, like there is a line you cross and you either are or you aren’t. The OP is worried and there are several days a week where her H can’t be left in charge of the child , or when older won’t be taking the child to clubs etc because he’ll be over the limit. That’s a problem, it’s problem drinking

The OP says "5/6 days out of 7". So he has 1-2 days a week where he doesn't drink ?

This amount of drinking doesn't really put someone down as a raging alcoholic in my book

So, you'd suggest she waits until it escalates into "raging alcoholism" before approaching him about it?- great idea! Just because he isnt drunk on a park bench at 7am doesnt mean he doesnt have an alcohol dependence problem and it isnt a problem. Alcoholism doesnt happen overnight- it is a slow and insidious process whereby tolerance levels rise and consumption creeps up over time. If he is drinking every night except two then its only a matter of time before he is drinking every night. Noone starts off drinking 2 bottles of wine in one go- it starts out as a glass or two, then a bottle and then 2 bottles etc..

Ive worked on detox wards and this is definitely a problem and could easily turn into "raging alcoholism" as you sensationally describe it.

Is there a bar at the gym? (An alcohol-selling one)

It's almost like you didn't read any of my post at all.

"So, you'd suggest she waits until it escalates into "raging alcoholism" before approaching him about it?- great idea!"

As a starting point, please point out where I suggested that.

I would suggest that maybe both of you have a listen to the One for the Road podcast, which revolves around this ‘grey area’ drinking. Maybe suggest you both have a go at One Year No Beer or a shorter challenge and see how it goes.

Drinking 2 bottles of wine on one day /evening is a problem
2x 12 units =24 units. 24 hours at least for kidneys and liver to break down that alcohol, longer if they're damaged.
He would be over legal limit to drive for most of the next day..op says from late afternoon til evening. So say he starts 4pm, drinks 2 bottles of wine, that's no driving until 3-4pm Sunday...
every weekend.. I don't know how OPs DH thinks that is reasonable as a parent to be too drunk (to even drive) most of the weekend every weekend?

He also says I should be happy he is not like some of my friends DHs who bearly lift a finger helping out with Parenthood (which is true)

Honestly this attitude would worry me more than the drinking.

Women should be happy that men do the bare minimum?

Come off it.

OP, you deserve better, both in his behaviour and his attitude towards you.

Yeah, it's not a horrendous situation with the drinking, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. 2 bottles of wine is a lot for one person - I'd be very, very concerned if my DH was doing this on a regular basis. It's not normal.

I do sometimes feel guilty having a moan at him as on the flip side he is relatively fit and hits the gym 3/4 times a week, does more than his fair share of housework, holds down a decent job and always give DD lots of attention, bathes her every night and takes her swimming etc.

You don't have to be grateful for this.

It's a normal amount of contribution for a person to make to their own family.

The alcohol is still a worry - this doesn't negate it in any way.

How does his drinking impact you, family life. You say he does his fair share, what do you want him to do differently?
You say it's going to lead to a darker path. What do you think it's going to lead to?

It's not just the alcohol dependence imo, which is an issue in itself. You have a young child and he's putting himself at risk for liver damage, cancer and heart disease. That's not ok.