To think he should've called the police TW - violence of adult on child

[lornmower]

When I was 4 I wouldn't settle one night so I can remember my mum came into my bedroom and slapped me hard repeatedly across the face - around 5-10 times if I recall. I was 3 months off my 5th birthday. My Dad just stood behind her and said nothing . I felt traumatised. Next day my mum was very overly affectionate towards me and 'apologised' so looking back she knew full well she'd done something very wrong. My Dad just sat there passively. Thinking back on this incident I think my Dad should've informed the police and left my mum. AIBU?

YANBU.

I'm so sorry that you were treated like that.

@NRCOA - thank you - your response means a lot - I've never had any counselling for it

I'm surprised you remember this, especially what happened the next day.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. This was unacceptable.

I'm not surprised at all that you remember this.

@bobbytorq why?

@lornmower

im really sorry you went through that OP. Your dad should’ve have absolutely protected you.

Have you spoken to your Dad about it?

Might be worth speaking to your GP and asking for a referral if you think it might help.

I was physically abused by my Dad; but what I struggle with now is that my Mum didnt protect me.

That’s dreadful. I am sorry that happened to you.💐
How old are you?
in the 60’s and 70’s physical abuse of children was considered acceptable- thank god it no longer is.
I am 58 and can remember my sister and I being threatened that if you didn’t stop arguing “I will bang you heads together”.. then she did and we both had headaches days! I was routinely slapped.

Why wouldn't op remember being slapped repeatedly around the face and subsequent behaviour??? Traumatic events tend to stay with you.

I think obviously it was wrong and she shouldn’t have done it, but as to whether your dad should have reported her and left her…it would very much depend on if this was a regular thing, or a one off, what kind of person she is otherwise, what else might have been going on at the time etc.

i remember my dad smacking me hard as a child, but the reason I remember it so clearly is because it was a one off and he was and is a great dad. It was a mistake. So I let it go. Whatever you feel about your experience, I think counselling would help.

I am not surprised at all you remember! I can remember things happening when I was 4!

Yep. 70s kid here. My Dad never hit me but my mum did. Smack on the legs, arm grabbing etc. awful really. It was just accepted as normal.

@*bobbytorg
*
the next morning as soon as I got up I went downstairs. My parents were both in the living room - mum on sofa - dad on chair sitting opposite each other. As soon as I walked in lounge mum had her arms outstretched to hug me and had an 'over the top' affectionate voice. She said she'd done it cos she thought the previous day I'd been rude to her friend. I 'accepted' the apology and didn't act outwardly distressed. My dad sat there passive and said nothing. It was July, so no nursery that day for me I wouldn't think but after that initial bit first thing in the morning I don't remember anything else that happened on that day

I am also quite forgiving. If it was a one off what was she going through at that time to trigger that response? Absolutely not excusing it but everyone has a breaking point

I'm so sorry OP, that must have been really scary, you deserved to be defended and I'm sorry you weren't.

I agree with this poster, I would try to look at the context. Was this a usually loving mother who snapped due to particularly bad mental health or a trigger one evening?

Or was she routinely abusive and used violence to control your behaviour?

There's no excuse for violence against a child and you are absolutely right to think your dad should have protected you. I have zero doubt that if my husband laid a hand on our children I would pull him back and force him away. My husband isn't abusive though so I'd have the confidence to know this was abnormal and I could get him to withdraw. I'm not sure there's an excuse for why your dad didn't intervene, even if it was just to pull your mother away from you.

Whether or not he should have called the police would depend I think. The reality is, that it would have meant your dad had to leave your mum and raise you alone. Perhaps he thought it wouldn't happen again. Perhaps he didn't think he could logistically raise you alone. It's a huge decision to make and perhaps he felt it was truly a one-off event (not that that makes it acceptable).

Are you parents still alive? Would you consider approaching them about this? I think, if you have the right relationship, it may be good to hear your dad's perspective on what happened.

@NRCOA - yes I have spoken to my Dad about that specific incident. He said - while not making eye contact with me - "I don't remember that"

He has said more generally though that in relation to my mums behaviour- he's said of himself "maybe I was too passive"

Sorry you've experienced it too

Off topic, but a primary school teacher once disciplined me by violently shaking me - my feet were off the floor and my head was banging backwards and forwards. It was horrible. She screamed "I'll shake you till your teeth rattle!" in my face as she did it. I was seven years old and she'd heard me tut from the back of the room.

I was thinking about this the other day and was wondering if I should put in a complaint of abuse to the LEA.

It happened in 1985/1986 and I think the teacher is probably dead by now, so I'm not sure how constructive my complaint would be.

@Merryoldgoat - thank you. I agree.

@LoveTheCat - happened in 90s

@LunaTheCat - aargh sorry to hear that

There were multiple times per year that my step Dad (and other adults) should have called the police on my mother for violently assaulting me, but they didn’t. Nor did they intervene and try to get her 5ft 11 18 stone ass off my 5ft 6 stone one, either.

Result? Insane amount of injuries, CPTSD, NC with 95% of my family for enabling her drunk, coked up behaviour.

He did call the police when I eventually retaliated, aged 16, by grabbing a wine bottle and smacking her over the head with it, because I was on the floor, about to black out from her strangling me

I was “sent” to go and live with my Dad, a man she had alienated me from since I was 7, who’s court orders she had ignored, who I barely knew, and who she told a pack of lies about me to. Fortunately, he didn’t believe a word she said and he spent a fortune relocating us 250 miles away/on private therapy.

I would describe her as an abusive alcoholic. She was violent physically to me 3 times - I don't mean a smack - I mean came into my room and just hit me for nothing - other 2 times she was drunk and by this time was 15 and later 17 on the last incident. The rest was very hurts emotional abuse

Sorry my previous post meant to say I was 15 and 17 when the other 2 physical 'attacks' happened

@EmmaDilemma5 - routinely emotionally abusive yes but violent 3 times

And yes you do remember traumatic incidents from a young age, unfortunately they become the strongest memories we hold, hence CPTSD,

Blimey - the physical element of your situation sounds infinitely worse than mine - I'm sorry you experienced this. Glad your circumstances improved in the end