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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he should've called the police TW - violence of adult on child

35 replies

lornmower · 02/02/2023 22:49

When I was 4 I wouldn't settle one night so I can remember my mum came into my bedroom and slapped me hard repeatedly across the face - around 5-10 times if I recall. I was 3 months off my 5th birthday. My Dad just stood behind her and said nothing . I felt traumatised. Next day my mum was very overly affectionate towards me and 'apologised' so looking back she knew full well she'd done something very wrong. My Dad just sat there passively. Thinking back on this incident I think my Dad should've informed the police and left my mum. AIBU?

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lornmower · 02/02/2023 23:26

@EmmaDilemma5 - to my Dad about this and he said he didn't remember it (while not making eye contact with me)

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EmmaDilemma5 · 02/02/2023 23:41

Then it sounds like your dad was a weak person who, quite frankly, took the easier option.

I'm sure it hurt him, I'm sure he wanted better but yes, he failed to keep you safe and that's on him.

I guess real life is messy and there are a lot of complex reasons why people abuse others and are complicit with abuse.

OP - I don't think you're going to get answers from your dad sadly. Counselling may help you unpack what happened.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it. Your parents should have done better.

lornmower · 02/02/2023 23:46

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/02/2023 23:41

Then it sounds like your dad was a weak person who, quite frankly, took the easier option.

I'm sure it hurt him, I'm sure he wanted better but yes, he failed to keep you safe and that's on him.

I guess real life is messy and there are a lot of complex reasons why people abuse others and are complicit with abuse.

OP - I don't think you're going to get answers from your dad sadly. Counselling may help you unpack what happened.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it. Your parents should have done better.

Thank you - your response means a lot - also for context I'm an only child so no other kids in house to witness

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BlueWhiteStripe · 02/02/2023 23:50

bobbytorq · 02/02/2023 22:54

I'm surprised you remember this, especially what happened the next day.

Something traumatic happened to me at a similar age. I can tell you the plot line of the cartoon I was watching just before it happened. It’s etched in my brain.

BMrs · 03/02/2023 07:04

80s child and my dad hit us with his belt a handful of times. I did speak to mum about it once and she says says she didn't know. I believe her as looking back, she was never home when it happened.

I just put it down to things that happened back then. I'm NC with Dad now (not related to that)

lornmower · 03/02/2023 07:56

So sorry to everyone who's experienced anything even vaguely similar to me Flowers

Another thing - even though I was only 4 and had been hit severely across the face repeatedly - I never cried at the time or showed any outward signs of distress - I went completely mute - trauma I suppose.
I remember when I was around 6 being worried that she'd come in and do something else to me

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Curriedpeanuts · 03/02/2023 08:32

I am so sorry

I had similar, my parents smacked me a lot and although my dad never smacked me for not getting to sleep, he would threaten me that if I wasn't asleep in 10 minutes he'd come up and smack me and he always seemed so angry I was terrified.
I also wasn't allowed to get up to go to the toilet so I used to wee under my pillow instead.
When my dad figured that out, asked me what happened and I lied (because I knew I'd be in trouble) and said I spilled a glass of water, he chased me round the bedroom saying 'stop running, I'm not going to smack you' then when I stopped he smacked me . He repeated this a couple of times. Supposedly to teach me that it's not nice to lie.

I also shut off in my childhood and although I was very unhappy and isolated, I didn't show anything on the outside.

I'd been in foster care for my first year with multiple carers before they adopted me, so I think I probably shut off and relied on myself from then on anyway.

Took me many years to learn to open up.

In many other ways he was a great dad, he was affectionate and played with me, unlike my mum.

I would try again to talk to your parents and explain how it scared you and how traimatising it was. Even if they say they don't remember it, say you will remind them.

Easier said than done, I haven't confronted my parents about a lot of stuff because they also don't remember it and I don't want to upset them in their old age. My dad has generically apologised for how they were with me though, although it took him until he was elderly to do it, I think he reached a point where he knew we needed to have closure.

lornmower · 03/02/2023 09:01

@Curriedpeanuts - so sorry you went through that. Because I was an only child of an emotionally abusive alcoholic I also 'shut down' - I can see that now

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Wetblanket78 · 09/02/2023 17:04

This was a daily occurance for me growing up. My mum took her temper out on us. If it wasn't our arse being hit with a slipper or wooden hairbrush. It was slaps across our face. Usually just for being kids.

lornmower · 09/02/2023 17:31

Wetblanket78 · 09/02/2023 17:04

This was a daily occurance for me growing up. My mum took her temper out on us. If it wasn't our arse being hit with a slipper or wooden hairbrush. It was slaps across our face. Usually just for being kids.

Sorry you went through this - awful and very traumatic Flowers

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