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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I mention this to the bride?

25 replies

clangerdang · 02/02/2023 13:53

Last year I posted the below thread -

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4537340-wwyd-family-member-spoiled-our-night-out

It's long, but the basic facts are, I went on a night out with a cousin who totally ruined the night and for reasons I still do not know the answer to, threw a drink in my face.

I didn't take all the advice I was given on here, I told my parents and siblings what happened but asked them not to discuss wider than that. The cousin has never made contact with me nor me with her. Weirdly months after the event she also left the family Whatsapp group and deleted me from Facebook. It has never been mentioned by any other family members and although it did take me a while, I'm over it and content with the no contact.

The problem I have now is that the sister of this cousin is getting married this year. She is absolutely lovely and we are good friends, I wouldn't dream of missing her wedding or doing anything to spoil it. Should I mention what happened last year in the lead up to the wedding to avoid potentially awkward seating arrangements, or will that cause the bride unnecessary stress? I don't think I'd even need to go into all the details, just that something happened last year and we haven't spoken since. I have already decided that I won't be drinking and will leave after the first dance as I don't want to be around the drink throwing cousin in any situation really, let alone one where she is drunk.

YABU - the bride doesn't need to know, leave her in wedding planning bliss
YANBU - mention it so the bride is aware and can plan accordingly (I'm thinking of the seating plan more than anything)

OP posts:

Vermin · 02/02/2023 13:56

Of course you don’t. Her sister will no doubt let her know that she doesn’t wish to be sat near you, and her sister is the better person to deal with the issue

PragmaticWench · 02/02/2023 13:56

I think leaving early is very sensible and generally would say not to bring this up with the bride. However, she may be offended if you leave early on in the evening, so would it be better to have a 'reason' you need to leave?

007DoubleOSeven · 02/02/2023 14:14

Yabu.
Say nothing, behave with divinity and class.

007DoubleOSeven · 02/02/2023 14:14

*dignity but divinity would probably have the same effect

007DoubleOSeven · 02/02/2023 14:15

*dignity but divinity would probably have the same effect

Ohdearnotagain76 · 02/02/2023 14:17

If you done nothing wrong, just go and enjoy yourself, stay with your family. Hopefully the brides sister will be too busy catching up with people to notice you

downtonupton · 02/02/2023 14:25

no - the issue is with her sister, not you - if you bring it up it seems like the issue is with you.

If it matters that much to the cousin that she has blocked you from everything, I am sure she will make her feeling known to her sister.

Leave it be and stick with the family who aren't batshit

extrasushiplease · 02/02/2023 14:33

I wouldn’t, not because you did anything wrong (and your instinct to try to keep her from being potentially blindsided is very thoughtful) but because she’ll have so much on her plate. Her sister doesn’t sound like the shy type, so I’m sure she’ll ask to not be sat by you and cousin A (plus, immediate family will most likely be sat together.) If you’re still not talking to your aunt (I’m so sorry you were in this situation!!) then than goes double.

What I would do is cheerfully and graciously leave the reception early if MonsterCousin starts being weird and/or drinking excessively. And I hate to say this because it sounds sneaky, but I’d also keep your phone handy to video anything. Not to ever post publicly to shame her, but to protect yourself from potential future gaslighting if she claims to have another “perfect night” on social media but it reality karate chopped the groom and called you all communists before throwing fistfuls of cake at people for not buying her the right Barbie when she was 8 or whatever.

I know this will be a worry, but please try to keep it a small one and keep the joy of your family member & friend the focus. You’ll be surrounded by loved ones who know your character, plus free food and cute kids dancing in tiny formal wear! Don’t let this weirdo spoil that! Best of luck!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/02/2023 14:33

If she's lovely and you get on well with her, I would tell her what happened and leave it up to her how she responds to it. Presumably, she knows exactly what her sister is like. If I was her, I'd want to know, so that I could try to avoid a potential problem, rather than see something blow up without warning.
Has an invitation gone out yet?
I remember your last thread and the drunk cousin sounds exactly like the sort of person to have told everyone about the event and probably claimed it was your fault. She left the WhatsApp group and blocked you - so she's had no intention of apologising. Is she the type to enjoying bringing it up again? Did you ever find out what she was accusing you of? It must have been discussed within the family.
You mentioned it to close family - they know the characters involved. What do they think of the behaviour and of whether you should go or not? Can you depend on them to support you, will they stay close during the event and help to calm any potential trouble or will they want to avoid "getting involved?"

It seems unfair that you should feel bullied into keeping a low profile and effectively hiding then leaving early. You haven't done anything wrong. Also The plan of avoiding her could be difficult if its not that large a wedding.
Only you know the characters involved and how they might react.

TheSnowyOwl · 02/02/2023 14:35

I wouldn’t mention anything and either swap seats with someone else in the family or a friend if you need to or else ignore the other cousin.

Justalittlebitduckling · 02/02/2023 14:40

Drink thrower cousin sounds like a psycho. Almost certainly she will cause drama at the wedding but probably not aimed at you. People who behave like this tend to fall out with a lot of people repeatedly. Her sister must know what she’s like.

cstaff · 02/02/2023 14:42

Is her sister going to be bridesmaid - if so then presumably she will be at the top table or wherever and also be busy with the bride for most of the day. If you leave after the first dance then there will be little chance of any major rows. Also, the fact that she went to the trouble of exiting a whatsapp group that include other people you can be sure that these other people have questioned why and have been given (probably a very one sided) explanation but an explanation nonetheless.

Ponderingwindow · 02/02/2023 14:48

As a cousin, the odds of you being seated next to your now nemesis are low. If you happen to end up at the same table, make polite chit chat and then find relief when the party moves away from the seated portion of the event. You don’t even need to plan to leave early. you can always exit early if the evening isn’t going well, but your cousin may simply avoid you while you each enjoy the party.

diddl · 02/02/2023 14:50

Will your parents & siblings also be invited so you'll just be with them?

2bazookas · 02/02/2023 14:57

No need to say anything to anyone.
At the wedding, stay well clear of the cousin.

Activelyannoyed · 02/02/2023 15:01

It’s not about you. So no. Of course not and she likely knows

Original poster

clangerdang · 02/02/2023 15:02

Drink throwing cousin is going to be a bridesmaid - good point - and actually, I can probably ask questions about the seating plan without mentioning why - the bride loves to chat about the plans and often asks me how I did certain things for my wedding so it wouldn't be unusual for me to ask.

My parents and siblings will be there yes, and you're right, the likelihood will be that I am sat with them.

Re her leaving the Whatsapp group, I think if my auntie knew something had gone on, she absolutely would have said something to my mum. I get the impression that my mum thinks it'll "blow over" before the wedding.

I'm still curious as to whether she is mad at me or embarrassed but I don't think I'll ever get the answer to that.

OP posts:

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 02/02/2023 15:04

Maintain the high ground. Leaving early with a decent excuse sounds sensible. Hopefully cousin was just bladdered and doesn't have the skills to apologise

Padamae · 02/02/2023 15:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/02/2023 17:02

You could mention it in a 'laughing while trying to find out if you need to wear waterproof clothing' type of way.

You - Oh, I was just thinking that I might have to borrow Alan's waders, and a waterproof jacket because the last time I was out with your sister, I ended up wearing a drink she threw over me. I hope that doesn't happen again. Will I be over dressed or should I bring more than just a cocktail umbrella to the wedding do you think? or
You - Oh, I was just wondering where I'll be sitting at the reception because the last time I was out with your sister, she threw a drink over me for some reason or another that she wont tell me about and I haven't the foggiest clue. Perhaps sit me away from the top table so I'm not in target range of her if you wouldn't mind. Thanks awfully!
Her - (she'll either know the whole story or ask you for more info as she hasn't a clue what went on. Either way, you'll have advised her and she can take the necessary steps to advise you on where you're seating/what to wear)

Would either of those kind of scenarios work do you think?

LookItsMeAgain · 02/02/2023 17:03

I'd be wondering if Drink Throwing Cousin (hereafter to be known as DTC), actually mentioned the drink throwing or whatever was going on in her head that lead to that point to anyone?

Would you think that DTC might have said something to relatives on that side of the family and would you showing up cause any gossip at all???

GrannieD · 02/02/2023 17:33

I wouldn't mention it. Is there going to be a hen party?

SeaToSki · 02/02/2023 17:36

Can you check in casually with their mother? That way you arent bothering a busy bride and you can 'take the temperature' of what they know/dont know as a family

roarfeckingroarr · 02/02/2023 18:03

It's not a big deal is it? She behaved badly on a night out; you haven't spoken about it since. Not sure why this needs to be a big problem.

PurpleRaindancing · 03/02/2023 01:39

No you don't mention it to the bride. I agree with @roarfeckingroarr
Her sister behaved badly on a night out last year. It's nothing to do with her sisters wedding.

Just generally avoid that cousin and stick with your family for the wedding.
If that cousin has form for repeatedly getting drunk and behaving aggressively / badly then her sister the bride,will already know

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