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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just want to hold my newborn

28 replies

soundsbad · 02/02/2023 11:34

I feel like I get stolen moments with my newborn where I can actually hold them but they're just constantly having to be put down in their moses basket because my 3 year old is struggling a bit with the adjustment and wants attention. I don't begrudge the time with my 3 year old as I know they need me I just feel sad that I'm missing out on newborn cuddles. I feel like aside from breastfeeding he's just constantly being left to his own devices whilst I entertain my older child. If I try and hold baby whilst playing with my older child they get jealous and start being a bit rough and getting on top of baby whereas if baby is in the Moses basket next to us 3yo loses interest..

OP posts:

Wnikat · 02/02/2023 11:34

Cbeebies?

pjani · 02/02/2023 11:35

Have you got a sling? Great way to have your baby nice and close while doing other things. Congratulations on your baby and sounds like you’re doing a great job maintaining your bond with your 3yo old too. It’s not easy!

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 02/02/2023 11:35

Sticker books from poundland or home bargains?
That used to give me some quiet ish baby cuddling time as long as I chatted about the stickers.

Original poster

soundsbad · 02/02/2023 11:36

Newborn is only just 5lbs and I tried a wrap sling but he just was lost in it. I don't think he's big enough yet

OP posts:

pjani · 02/02/2023 11:40

Oh precious tiny baby! You can also stick the telly on. Your baby is only this small for a few weeks (I suspect the sling will be fine very soon) and it’s important time for you! Sometimes with a newborn you have to lower your standards.

Willowwallow · 02/02/2023 11:43

Get them involved with helping you with the baby?

Can you get your 3 year old a doll? Dc3 was 13 months when I had dc4 and I got her a doll, pushchair, nappies and a bottle. She loved helping. Also yes to CBeebies or anything that’ll distract them for a while so you can have time for baby cuddles.

It is hard but it will get easier.

Eixample · 02/02/2023 11:43

My second was 4lb when we brought him home. There are techniques for tying a sling for a premie ir small baby. He was happy in there for months.

dateafternoon · 02/02/2023 11:44

It might be worth speaking to a bath wearing consultant, so your gorgeous babe is good in a wrap.

On a side, I found a bag of quick toys useful when my toddler needed me whilst I was holding the baby. Things like bubbles and balloons…

dateafternoon · 02/02/2023 11:44

Forgot to say, congratulations!

Hosum · 02/02/2023 11:44

Skin to skin top from seraphine - dd was tiny and I found that really useful in keeping my hands free.

Lkydfju · 02/02/2023 11:46

I remember feeling this way; I made the most of the cuddles in the evening when my older one was in bed. One of mine was 5ib and I used a close caboo. Also get your partner to take your 3 year old at the weekend even if 3 year old protests and just spend an hour or two cuddling your baby.

Karatema · 02/02/2023 11:48

Congratulations but it is difficult juggling time with both DC. My 2 yr old was very happy to go to nursery when sibling was born so I had time with baby but, otherwise, it was difficult! except when toddler was asleep.

Coffeeandchocs · 02/02/2023 11:48

I know it’s tricky getting out and about when you have two, but have a Google and see if there’s a sling library or similar near you. They’re able to help you find the best sling/carrier for you and help you with setting it up and fitting.

I saw on social media an influencer used a lot of stickers! They tend to keep kids that age occupied and you can get them to stick them to baby’s clothes while you hold them. Gives them something to do while you cuddle the newborn and makes them feel involved in it too!

tattygrl · 02/02/2023 12:20

Congratulations on your new baby, they sound absolutely precious and so tiny. Try not to let worry and guilt get to you, natural feelings though they are. You are clearly so thoughtful and trying very hard to be there for both children. I second the recommendations to look further into slings and baby-wearing for smaller babies; options are out there. Meanwhile remember that your children will be feeling your love, even if you feel frustrated at not being able to express it in the ways you most want to just now! You will get there.

BertieBotts · 02/02/2023 12:21

It's hard! I tried to remind myself a lot "babies survive their older siblings" (if there's any case where this isn't true, please don't link it, I would prefer to stay ignorant) and that helped me relax and not worry so much when my 3yo was being overenthusiastic or even rough with the baby sometimes.

We talked about things he could do e.g. stroke/tickle baby's feet, shake a rattle, show the baby a book or a toy, do a funny dance for the baby. It helps once the baby wakes up a bit because he did genuinely find his older brother fascinating.

When he did things like hit him or even bite him, I would try and be curious and say hmm I think you're experimenting, but I can't let you bite/hit. You tell me if you want to do that and I'll find something else to bite. He always did it so gently I think it was purely what will mum do - and I reminded him a lot and basically didn't let him put his mouth anywhere near the baby if I was worried. When he did have a lapse in judgement and hurt the baby I didn't get angry or punish him, I saw it as my issue in terms of a lack of close supervision. (I did point out he was hurt and that I didn't approve, but treated it mildly.) It soon stopped and they have a great relationship now. (They are 4.5 and 1.5 and do still hurt each other out of frustration, like all siblings, but the pure random spite/experimentation stopped).

Also think about activities that you can do one handed and see if you can set up a nice area to do that - do you have a sofa the three of you can snuggle up on to read or watch a film (or endless blippi - whatever), I found simple board games to be great. You don't need to worry about a newborn spoiling a puzzle/game/activity.

YY to sling too, I used this loads until it got really hot again (summer bday so around 9/10 months)

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 12:32

It's so tough when you go from one to two - always feel like someone's going without! Often felt my poor 2nd born was just being 'dealt with' to the point there needs were met instead of cherished like my first born was as there was always some demand from the eldest needed addressing! Now youngest is nearly two and into everything, it's the other way round and eldest is always being "just a minute"-ed while I stop youngest killing themselves in a variety of imaginative ways 😆

Mum guilt is our lot in life - you're doing your best! And don't forget baby gets your nights - they have no concept of time, and after eldest's bedtime they get your undivided focus, the long night feeds, the cuddles and the quiet lullabies. Does eldest go to nursery at all? That can be baby's special time too.

You have enough love and attention to go round OP. You're all adjusting! I was soooo devoted to my first baby and it was so different the second time round - but they've never known anything different, whereas its a big adjustment for your eldest who needs reassurance. You're doing fine prioritising them when they need it (assuming baby's needs are being met).

Do you have a partner who can step up for toddler a bit too, to give you time when you can enjoy baby in peace?

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 12:34

I also really wish someone would start a company teaching UK women how to back-carry their newborns! Would make life so much easier and seems to be done in plenty of other countries round the world!

WoolyMammoth55 · 02/02/2023 12:37

Does 3 yo get nursery hours OP? Can you transition them into nursery for a few hours a day just to get cuddles?

I think you and the newborn would both benefit from the serotonin.

I also had lots of success with a 6lb newbie in a wrap sling, I think tied right baby would be so happy feeling your skin and heartbeat. It's worth persevering with that and watching a video if you're not sure:

Wish you best of luck, be gentle with yourself, it's hard <3

ParentPerson · 02/02/2023 12:38

@soundsbad mine are 14 months apart so I just wanted to send you a handhold as I totally understand where you’re at right now.
Don't be afraid to pop the TV on, the first 12 weeks are about survival and it won’t harm them long term. My second hasn’t had half of the attention and cuddles etc that my first did, she has had to entertain herself! She’s more attached to me than my first and we have an amazing bond - you will all get through this.

It will get better I promise you 💐

Mariposista · 02/02/2023 12:39

At 3 he is old enough to be in daycare, at least some of the time.

unfortunateevents · 02/02/2023 12:42

Is your 3yr old at nursery? Do you have a partner who can spend time with him - or other family members who could take him to the park, for an ice cream etc which would be nice for him but give you some much-needed cuddles?

Mardyface · 02/02/2023 12:43

Loved evening cluster feeding for this. Have you tried reading books together while cuddling the baby? I found the key was including everyone in the attention helped the older one understand the young one was equal and here to stay. It's tricky though, no magic fix, and yes to childcare!!

Thatsnotmybee · 02/02/2023 12:43

Does your 3 year old go to nursery? I found DS being in nursery 2 days a week was the best thing for everyone at this stage. I got to devote 2 days a week to the baby and DS kept up his routine/had the stimulation I couldn't always offer with a newborn in tow.

DS also went out just with daddy a few times. "Fun stuff that little babies can't do, but you're a big boy so you can!"

McGonagallshatandglasses · 02/02/2023 12:47

Hold your babies. Both of them. As much as you can.

Screens are ok here. Anything that helps you to meet your big one where he is right now.

And call in whatever village you have to help hold your big one.

Chickenly · 02/02/2023 12:53

Are you the same poster with the 5lb breastfed newborn who won’t allow their older child to go out in case they bring home a cold? If so, you could allow your older child into nursery and then you’d have all day to cuddle the baby. Also, what time is your 3yo’s bedtime? You could cuddle after that. What about when DH is looking after and watching your older child?

I have a 36 month old and a 6 month old so I feel where you’re coming from but there should be lots of time for cuddles (although, of course, never enough). Congratulations!

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