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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell ex where I live (yet)

46 replies

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:06

Hi all.

DP and I separated last October because I couldn't live with his controlling behaviour any longer. He would set up cameras in the house and garden to watch me. Quiz me on my every move. The final straw came when he put a tracker on my car and I found out. I had to call time.

Anyway we've sold my house and I've been in my new place for 2 weeks. We have a 10yo who we now share custody of.

DP has had him this week. Due to drop him off Friday.

I've said I'll come to his place (he moved back in with his parents) to pick him up but DP is insisting me he wants to drop him off at my house once I'm finished WFH for the day. I can tell he's curious to know where I live. He's been asking questions about the area, what it's like, etc.

I don't think I want DP to know where I live yet. Its been a nice comfort him not knowing. I've felt safe and free for the first time in years. At the same time I know its not fair for him not to know where his son lives. I'll need to tell him eventually.

AIBU to keep this to myself for a bit longer?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:08

Sorry that should say we sold THE house, not my house. It was joint.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 18:08

Yanbu but would your 10 year old tell him?

Overandunderit · 01/02/2023 18:08

As you're going to have to do it eventually I'd just do it now to cut out the drama.

Get CCTV.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:09

Overandunderit · 01/02/2023 18:08

As you're going to have to do it eventually I'd just do it now to cut out the drama.

Get CCTV.

I bought a ring doorbell for my new place before I even put our house on the market!

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:11

SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 18:08

Yanbu but would your 10 year old tell him?

10yo doesn't know the proper address yet and we're not from this new area so probably wouldn't be able to describe it very accurately.

OP posts:
Overandunderit · 01/02/2023 18:11

Good thinking. Could you give him the address still pick him up?

He doesn't have the 'right' to drop him at your but does have a right to know where the son you made together lives.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 01/02/2023 18:11

Get your own CCTV and start acting like a grown up - he must have reduced your confidence so use this as an opportunity to grab some back.

Your DS knows his own address so you won't be able to control ex knowing. So take control! he can drop DS off, stand on the pavement and watch him walk into his new home. He NEVER sets foot inside.

Ponderingwindow · 01/02/2023 18:11

He may not have any right to know where you live, but he certainly has the right to know where his child lives. I would not want to hand over my child without knowing where she was going.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 01/02/2023 18:13

Not necessarily. Especially if there has been DV, coercive control etc. Don't be guessing at laws! And if you can't help OP it's really not worth replying just to add to the mental load her ex already saddled her with!

Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:13

Ponderingwindow · 01/02/2023 18:11

He may not have any right to know where you live, but he certainly has the right to know where his child lives. I would not want to hand over my child without knowing where she was going.

I understand this. I absolutely do.

This is my first weekend I've been able to relax though between packing/moving/working. I just hoped to have a few more days of feeling peaceful in my new place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:15

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 01/02/2023 18:13

Not necessarily. Especially if there has been DV, coercive control etc. Don't be guessing at laws! And if you can't help OP it's really not worth replying just to add to the mental load her ex already saddled her with!

I do intend on telling him eventually. I wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed. I'm just feeling so at ease and selfishly want to hold on to that for a tiny bit longer.

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 01/02/2023 18:16

Nope I wouldn’t tell unless order to by a court

Does he have the means to contact his child when necessary? Can't see why this is necessary

Namechangedforthis234 · 01/02/2023 18:17

Usually I would say the other parent should know the address but I get your concerns given his controlling behaviour. I think I would give him the address but also get cctv cameras for the new house and inform him about them and the ring doorbell. Well done for leaving!

Wibblewibble1 · 01/02/2023 18:19

He does not have to know. If he feels strongly he can go to court. So long as he is seeing his child, he has no need.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:20

I don't have to let him in the house though, do I? Does he have a (moral) right to see inside the house or DCs bedroom?

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/02/2023 18:22

Shit I wouldn’t tell him in your shoes. I don’t care what the law is, unless a court told me to I would do all I could to keep my address secret in your shoes. Do you have evidence of his controlling behaviour?

However I assume at some point your child will tell him as I am assuming it won’t be long until a 10 yr old knows their address. So if he finds out and does Anything ANyTHING like driving by your house etc I’d immediately start collecting evidence and contacting the police/seeking court order.

Given your history I would insist on meeting half way (somewhere busy) or dropping or to his house. He has not right to come to your home.

RebelliousStarrChild · 01/02/2023 18:22

Do not tell him where you live unless you feel ready. He is still trying to control you.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:23

RebelliousStarrChild · 01/02/2023 18:22

Do not tell him where you live unless you feel ready. He is still trying to control you.

This is definitely going through my mind. He's desperate to know and I'm not convinced it's for DCs sake.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 01/02/2023 18:23

Don't tell him your address, and he is definitely NOT entitled to enter your house without invitation.

If this was a non abusive split, I'd tell you that you're being an arse. However, for this man, knowledge is power. Don't give him any information. I'd also do a bit of research and ask for advice on this to keep you safe from his control.

RandomMess · 01/02/2023 18:24

He doesn't even have the right to walk up to the front door. Tell him you will come out and collect DS from the car and he is not to come up to the house.

Schnoodle · 01/02/2023 18:24

Maybe seek some advice from a domestic abuse service in your area. They can advise on safety measures.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:25

I will tell him eventually. Absolutely. He will be moving out of his parents house again soon and I would hate not knowing where DS is. Is it fair though so keep it to myself for just one more weekend?

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 01/02/2023 18:27

I'd be speaking to your solicitor & ask if your ex has a right to know where your DC is living. If not - don't tell. Meet at a neutral spot - Mc Donalds or the like. Otherwise I can imagine him parked up nearby spying on you.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 01/02/2023 18:27

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/02/2023 18:27

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:25

I will tell him eventually. Absolutely. He will be moving out of his parents house again soon and I would hate not knowing where DS is. Is it fair though so keep it to myself for just one more weekend?

Who gives a fuck what’s fair to him?
the fact you’re worrying about what is fair is concerning it itself. He gave up any rights to your information when he abused you. Give him as little as you possible can and only what he absolutely needs.

what phone number does he have? Can you get a cheap phone just for communication from him so you keep your own number for friends/family only etc?