Page 2 | To not tell ex where I live (yet)

Aquarelles · 2023-02-01T18:06:42+00:00

Hi all. DP and I separated last October because I couldn't live with his controlling behaviour any longer. He would set up cameras in the house and garden to watch me. Quiz me on my every move. The final straw came when he put a tracker on my car and I found out. I had to call time. Anyway we've sold my house and I've been in my new place for 2 weeks. We have a 10yo who we now share custody of. DP has had him this week. Due to drop him off Friday. I've said I'll come to his place (he moved back in with his parents) to pick him up but DP is insisting me he wants to drop him off at my house once I'm finished WFH for the day. I can tell he's curious to know where I live. He's been asking questions about the area, what it's like, etc. I don't think I want DP to know where I live yet. Its been a nice comfort him not knowing. I've felt safe and free for the first time in years. At the same time I know its not fair for him not to know where his son lives. I'll need to tell him eventually. AIBU to keep this to myself for a bit longer?

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 01/02/2023 18:28

Honestly in your shoes and given the circumstances I wouldn’t tell him at all unless I absolutely had to. I’d be meeting somewhere and once my child learn’t the address I’d be asking them nicely not to disclose it. If you do decide to give him your address absolutely do not let him inside.

RebelliousStarrChild · 01/02/2023 18:29

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:23

This is definitely going through my mind. He's desperate to know and I'm not convinced it's for DCs sake.

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It's not about your child, trust me I've been there. He hasn't changed and still wants to control you. Don't let him.
Make the extra effort to collect your child from anywhere else but don't give in to what he wants or he will keep pushing.

He has no rights to anything to do with your home after the boundaries he has crossed.

If you come to a place where you feel comfortable telling him then that is OK but don't let him dictate to you and spoil your peace.

Original poster

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:29

RandomMess · 01/02/2023 18:24

He doesn't even have the right to walk up to the front door. Tell him you will come out and collect DS from the car and he is not to come up to the house.

There is a nature reserve just round the corner from new house. I was going to ask DP to meet me there and say new house is "just round there". So he knows where DS is but not exactly. It' has a private garage so he won't find me from my car.

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Ponderingwindow · 01/02/2023 18:29

Hell no. he never needs to step foot in your house.

You can insist on meeting him on the pavement so he doesn’t even come to your door. You can insist on meeting in a well-lit public place with plenty of witnesses.

Original poster

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:30

LilyMumsnet · 01/02/2023 18:27

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

That's very kind of you Lily. I will visit these links but I can assure everyone I am safe now!

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Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/02/2023 18:30

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:29

There is a nature reserve just round the corner from new house. I was going to ask DP to meet me there and say new house is "just round there". So he knows where DS is but not exactly. It' has a private garage so he won't find me from my car.

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Great idea so long as it is busy with other people?

also maybe plan to visit a friend after instead of go straight home in case he follows?

catandcoffee · 01/02/2023 18:30

Just tell him you're not happy to disclose your address until all your hidden CCTV has been installed.

Don't let him bully you until you're ready.

Hopefully him knowing you've got hidden CCTV will keep him away (even though you haven't).

Original poster

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 18:32

Thank you everyone. I know he is still trying to control me but there will come a time when he will have the opportunity to do this to me - when he moves out of his mums and into his own place - and I don't want to give him any ammunition.

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3487642l · 01/02/2023 18:49

@Aquarelles have you had some advice or support from Women's Aid or similar? The degree of surveillance you were under is really far from normal.

The sense of peace and safety you feel knowing your address is private is going to help you recover and your son will be feeling relaxed when you feel relaxed, so this is about his emotional well-being too.

All your son's visits will presumay be by arrangement. I can't see any reason why he needs to know where your son lives unless he has concerns about your parenting and needs to make surprise visits... which sounds like you would end up under surveillance again.

In circumstances where your ex was monitoring and watching you, your right to live free from surveillance and scrutiny is more important to your son than his dad knowing where he is when he is with you.

Cosyblankets · 01/02/2023 18:57

catandcoffee · 01/02/2023 18:30

Just tell him you're not happy to disclose your address until all your hidden CCTV has been installed.

Don't let him bully you until you're ready.

Hopefully him knowing you've got hidden CCTV will keep him away (even though you haven't).

I like this

LadyEloise1 · 01/02/2023 19:01

Great idea to tell him about your hidden CCTV.
Your 10 year old will disclose the address. Your ex will ask the right questions or get his Mum to do so.
Even if you pick your child up what is to stop your ex following you?
Either in plain sight or surreptitiously, to see where the new home is.
Get advice from Womens' Aid

Shelby2010 · 01/02/2023 19:03

I imagine he will have installed Find my Family or similar on DS’s phone by now anyway. Or hidden a tracker in his school bag.

He doesn’t have any right to ever set foot on your property.

Original poster

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 19:29

3487642l · 01/02/2023 18:49

@Aquarelles have you had some advice or support from Women's Aid or similar? The degree of surveillance you were under is really far from normal.

The sense of peace and safety you feel knowing your address is private is going to help you recover and your son will be feeling relaxed when you feel relaxed, so this is about his emotional well-being too.

All your son's visits will presumay be by arrangement. I can't see any reason why he needs to know where your son lives unless he has concerns about your parenting and needs to make surprise visits... which sounds like you would end up under surveillance again.

In circumstances where your ex was monitoring and watching you, your right to live free from surveillance and scrutiny is more important to your son than his dad knowing where he is when he is with you.

I didn't get any advice from Womans Aid. I know what he put me through was abusive but other women have it so much worse than me and I didn't want to take up resources I didn't need. We had a large house which sold for a decent amount of money, and we were not married so getting out for relatively "easy", compared to some.

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Original poster

Aquarelles · 01/02/2023 19:33

There are no concerns at all about my sons living arrangements. I'm the one who hunted high and low, and am paying over the odds for something safe, and suitable so he has his own bedroom etc. He doesn't even have that at ex's mums house.

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3487642l · 01/02/2023 23:14

You're providing a safe and suitable home and looking after your son well so I can't think of any reason why your ex would need to know where you live, and he certainly has no reason to come into your home.

Parallel parenting is the best arrangement when there are good reasons for maintaining some space after separation.

Having an alternative meeting place like the park is a great idea. It isn't unusual to have a neutral drop off point and you could even continue to exchange at his mother's place even once he has a new place.

Your ex has previously violated your right to privacy in a significant and possibly unlawful ways and you are entitled to protect your privacy for as long as you need. If he demonstrates he can respect your boundaries then down the track you can change your arrangements with him if that's what you want to do.

Maray1967 · 01/02/2023 23:40

3487642l · 01/02/2023 23:14

You're providing a safe and suitable home and looking after your son well so I can't think of any reason why your ex would need to know where you live, and he certainly has no reason to come into your home.

Parallel parenting is the best arrangement when there are good reasons for maintaining some space after separation.

Having an alternative meeting place like the park is a great idea. It isn't unusual to have a neutral drop off point and you could even continue to exchange at his mother's place even once he has a new place.

Your ex has previously violated your right to privacy in a significant and possibly unlawful ways and you are entitled to protect your privacy for as long as you need. If he demonstrates he can respect your boundaries then down the track you can change your arrangements with him if that's what you want to do.

Yes, I would make it very clear that as he has violated basic privacy rights in the past you will decide when you are ready to tell him where you live.
I don’t want to cause you further worry but would he plant some sort of device in your son’s bag?

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/02/2023 23:49

Hi op

Ide keep it quiet until he gets his own place, in case he decides your area is rather nice and close to his child

Original poster

Aquarelles · 02/02/2023 20:07

I've just messaged ex and said "I'll come pick DS up at X time tomorrow" and he said.......... "OK no problem" 🤔

All that worry for nothing, and I get to keep my secret for a bit longer!!

Thank you again everyone.

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TomatoSandwiches · 02/02/2023 20:29

I would guess he has put a tracker on DS phone or in his bags, to back down so easily would make me suspicious that he has found a way round you op, sorry.

Original poster

Aquarelles · 02/02/2023 20:49

TomatoSandwiches · 02/02/2023 20:29

I would guess he has put a tracker on DS phone or in his bags, to back down so easily would make me suspicious that he has found a way round you op, sorry.

That has crossed my mind. It was just too easy.

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PeekAtYou · 02/02/2023 21:06

I would pay attention to cars that may follow you home too. Never forget what he did and don't let your guard down.