Confused and upset

[Mustlovetacos]

Hi, think I'm just venting really as not sure what to do about this situation. I left my ex partner about 4 years ago do to domestic violence there have been issues but it settled down. Until about 1 years ago when my eldest ds said that his dad had been physically abusive towards him this was investigated by social services who decided there was no evidence during this time police were called several times but nothing was really done. Fast forward to now and ds 2 ( I have 3 ds's with him) has said that his dad got angry with him and slapped him that hard in the face that his head banged on the wall. I confronted his dad about this who said it was an accident. It was reported to social services who have basically said there is no evidence and dad has said it was an accident even though older brother is backing him up and saying it wasn't. I informed the police who have rang me and said their not taking it any further. I'm also waiting for the police to come as he kicked off at my door last week luckily my parents were there and heard everything so have witnesses. I have withdrawn contact from him and he turned up at the school to apparently talk to his teachers ,I had to hide in the headteachers office as he did this to intimidate, in the 4 years we've been split he hasn't been to the school so this was to prove a point. I feel like nobody is doing anything to stop him social services didn't even speak to him , the police still haven't been out about about him turning up. My parents are there and are completely supportive but I just don't understand how this is just being ignored by those in charge. Again I'm not sure really what I want any advice would be appreciated ,I know that there'll be more kick offs soon as he's not getting his own way I'm just trying to protect myself and the kids. Thanks for reading all that x

Stop contact. If he wants it he'll intimately have to start court proceedings and CAFCASS will get involved and do a safeguarding report. That should (hopefully) show the reports to the police and that social services have been called. Please don't be scared if you can't afford a Solicitor, you won't need one and can represent yourself in court, or have a "Mackenzie Friend" with you to help with what to say and hand you papers etc.

Autocorrect strikes again - ultimately not intimately!

YANBU. He has been violent towards your DC - how can SS think that is acceptable, even if it was an 'accident'?

I've said this myself to the police and social services and have been told that's there's no evidence because there was no bruises but his older brother is agreeing with what he has said but this doesn't seem to count as evidence. I withdrew contact by messaging him officially I suppose on Monday and that's when he turned up at the school.

How old are the children?

I don’t often advise this but take the kids and run. Move somewhere new, start over, make sure he never has access to your new address. He won’t follow and he won’t go through court, you keep you and the kids safe and alive.

@BurntOutGirl the children are 8,6and 3. It is the 6 year old who has made this complaint and his older brother has confirmed it.
@ShimmeringShirts I'm looking into moving

Can you call Women's Aid for advice?
Or perhaps even the NSPCC - check their website.

Withdraw contact and keep logs of anything the kids say about him. Texts, messages, record phone calls, and anything and everything. That way if he takes you court you have all the evidence needed.

I strongly suggest moving & moving the kids school and making sure nobody passes on the details.

Not that it would have made it any better, but I had assumed your sons were older. I'm so sorry you and your sons are going through this, something no child should have to experience. Can you get a second opinion from someone else at SS? I can't get my head around them saying there's no evidence when their Dad has admitted it himself. And are the children's words not evidence enough?

I am so incredibly sorry that you and your children are going through this. Well done for leaving already - that is brave and you should be proud of yourself.

I’m afraid I agree with PP - if the contact is not court ordered then withdraw it. Do not put this on the children (as in, don’t give them the choice) let them know that this is what you have decided in order to keep them safe. They may have conflicting feelings about it (and their dad may try and guilt/threaten them about seeing him) but make it clear that it’s not their fault and as the adult it is your decision.

Try and contact a solicitor through a local clinic, call citizens advice. Report to the police and SS immediately, every single time there’s an incident so there’s a record. Write specifics down, times/dates/what was said or done - it’s amazing how quickly things get jumbled otherwise. Loop school in and make sure they won’t be sent home with him.

If he fights custody hopefully he won’t get very far. It can also take a long time, by which point your eldest might be old enough to have his experiences taken seriously.

I'm so sorry - your poor boys. They are lucky to have you.

Womens aid and the national domestic abuse helpline, NSPCC may also have good advice and support available.

Can I just double check OP that you have a son age 6 who was slapped so hard that his head banged off a wall?

That would require some force.

What.A.Bastard.

Jesus Christ, we think we’re so civilised and some fucking loon can go round stotting their poor kid’s head off the wall and nobody wants to get involved and help the mother?

Why do we always want to close the stable door after the horse has bolted in this country?
This situation is a disaster. I’m so sorry OP.

I feel so angry on your behalf and your child’s behalf.

Also I’d just say that no matter how much kids argue and niggle each other when it comes down to it they are on each others’ side. Your eldest is probably building up anger and frustration having to witness this violence. Get them away.
Poor all of them. Poor you.
It’s a disgrace that you’ve been ignored.
A fucking disgrace.

@Seventhcupisfree I actually went into a police station to see what was happening and pointed out to the officer that you don't accidently hit someone in the face so hard that their head hits the wall and whilst he agreed with me it's not being taken any further. I never actually thought about the nspcc so will give them a ring and see if they can offer advice. I'm also going to try and apply for an injuction in the meantime myself to see if I can at least keep him away from myself and the kids as I feel even when I speak to the police at my appointment on Friday it'll go nowhere

Also could I suggest emailing both the police and social services (rather than just ringing them) so that there’s written evidence of your totally justified concerns?

There is no way this man should be allowed to look after children. It’s a dangerous situation. I fear it escalating. Hope I’m not worrying you further. And well done for getting out - also well done your parents for being a support.

I cross posted with you. Am using a phone hence taking ages to type. I’m glad you went into the Police Station. They have to log that, I believe. No chance of that not being recorded.

Did you say you’d contacted Women’s Aid?

@Seventhcupisfree I will email them thank you for that advice. Believe me I know that this will escalate, I was with him for nearly 15 years so know exactly who he is and what he is capable of but I need someone in authority to back me up as well and it's not happening which is what is more worrying. My mum and dad have been amazing ,my mum even rang social services herself to make sure they logged that she was concerned so at least there's that as well

The thought of a grown man properly striking six year old☹️
Evil bully.

@Seventhcupisfree I haven't yet but I will talk to everyone now so that it is logged everywhere by as many people as I can

Can you ask the police (& SS) to put it in writing for you? ie that you have reported Ex hitting your 6 Yr old, and they have decided to take no action despite it being witnessed by your other son.

I’m wondering if anyone will be willing to sign their name to a statement like that & it might focus their minds.

Yes, great thought.

Seconding that this is a good idea.

Or could you print out something yourself along the lines of:

On xxxxday xx January 2023 my children spent time with their father xxxxxx xxxxxx of xxxxxx, xxxxxxx.

Whilst they were there, my 6 year old child xxxxx xxxxx was struck across the face by his father, which caused him to bang his head on the wall he was sitting/standing (?) near to.

My 8 year old son xxxxx xxxxx witnessed this incident.

Leaving aside any arguments regarding excessive force, which cannot be proven at this stage, I would like written acknowledgment that I have reported this matter to you xxxxx xxxxxxx if you can get a name or a PO’s number then great of xxxxxxx police force.

It is my belief that xxxxxx xxxxx should not be using physical punishment to chastise the children but he has ignored my requests not to do so.

I feel it especially important that he does not slap the children if he is unaware of the amount of force he is using.

Thank you

—————————————-
Your name

Reported to

—————————————-
Police Officer’s Name

We are always hand-wringing in this country after something has happened.

Thank you for all your advice, I will be using it. Just currently getting through the application for an injunction against him and its alot but I'm getting this sent through as soon as I can. He won't be getting near the kids and will have to take me to court. My dad has just left after putting new security features on all my doors so feeling a bit safer

Another thought: since this is domestic violence, you should qualify for legal aid. Can you ring a solicitor who accepts legal aid to help you with the injunction and anything else that would help to keep you and your children safe?

Christ OP your ex is a thug to hit a child with such force.

You are incredibly brave for leaving him, never forget that, your children in later years will be so thankful for having a strong mother looking out for them, plus your parents sound great.

Good luck for the future xx