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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this teacher was being unprofessional? (TW teen suicide)

47 replies

doggydance79 · 01/02/2023 03:38

I'm not someone who goes round teacher bashing, I didn't make a huge deal out of it at the time, but was reminded of this by a few recent things and encountering said teacher the other day.

We all suffer from hayfever to some extent, and take high strength tablets every day over the summer, which doesn't completely remove the symptoms, but makes it bearable. Some of the kids in ds's class figured out that he reacted to freshly cut grass, so made it a regular thing to throw handfuls in his face. He would come home with his eyes swollen almost shut with uncomfortable breathing. It wasn't a one off, even if he was in an area well away from grass those kids would bring it over, and him asking them to stop, then teachers on duty to get them to stop had no effect whatsoever. After getting him to try all available actions, I went in to speak to this class teacher. And learned that the next day, the talk she gave to the class revolved around "noone likes a snitch". She actually said that, and as far as I know, didn't say much more. Ds finally managed this by being in the library when he could, and basically hiding out when he couldn't, luckily this was near the end of the season, and it didn't happen the next year.

Anyway, my point is, ds was getting bullied, and her response was to tell the class that noone likes a snitch. Which to my mind is a terribly unprofessional and possibly dangerous thing to say. More recently, there have been teen suicides in schools in the area, which is terrible, some of these must have been caused by bullying, as someone had at one point put up a row of "bullying causes suicide" signs all along both sides of the roads around one of the schools. AIBU to think that attitudes like this teacher's are unprofessional and part of the problem? Not everyone I know agrees, but I could very well imagine some poor kid reaching out for help and hearing this from the teacher...and feeling like they have no support.

OP posts:

WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt · 01/02/2023 04:01

You’re being unreasonable to muddle teen suicide in with this. Very click baity.

you do however have the right to deal with your son being bullied and talk to the teacher.

Original poster

doggydance79 · 01/02/2023 04:10

Can't do anything right even if you try here, it seems. I put the trigger warning in the title as I thought I would have been pulled up if I DIDNT give a warning. It's not intended to be click bait. It was as a courtesy. And the whole reason this teacher was brought to mind was because of the bullying signs I saw posted and her attitude towards reporting bullying.

But by all means, think the worst.

OP posts:

LadyGAgain · 01/02/2023 04:28

Have you had a meeting with this teacher to discuss how she has handled the situation and get her thoughts?

KendrickLamaze · 01/02/2023 04:34

Yes it was unreasonable and you need to speak to the teacher asking for support.

This is not related to teen suicide.

Original poster

doggydance79 · 01/02/2023 04:38

I didn't. I didn't find her particularly approachable when I had to ask if she could address the grass throwing with pupils. Although I thought at the time that it was a particularly insensitive thing to say to the class, I don't think it would have gone down well to have gone back in and asked her about it. The school as a whole was very poor at dealing with bullying, with little support, and it was only seeing the signs up and then her (in a social context) that brought it to mind.

OP posts:

DuchessOfDisco · 01/02/2023 04:45

And learned that the next day, the talk she gave to the class revolved around "noone likes a snitch". She actually said that, and as far as I know, didn't say much more.

were you there in the room and heard this talk? Or did you get a transcript of the talk? Do you know the exact wording she used?
im guessing not, I’m guessing that’s just what your ds told you and I hate to say it but a child’s account of what they’ve been told in school is hugely unreliable.

KendrickLamaze · 01/02/2023 04:46

If you can't talk to her, which is really shit, talk to someone above her. Bullying isn't acceptable and they need to sort it. Put your foot down. He needs protecting and if he is struggling it's your job and the schools to do so. I understand the concern of making it worse or if he is saying not to.

If you get nowhere you could report to ofsted.

Original poster

doggydance79 · 01/02/2023 04:50

@KendrickLamaze I have explained the reason i mentioned the TW, I didn't want anyone to be upset with the mention! My point with that is the teacher obv doesn't support people who are being bullied, and as a lot of bullying happens in schools, I feel that it is important for teachers to be professional and supportive, which her comment was def not. Having no support can lead to kids taking drastic action, and maybe it was a comment and attitude like hers which contributed to the local one. Maybe I should not have mentioned that, but it is something which happened here and to me highlighted that behaviour and comments such as hers may have dire consequences when taken cumulatively.

On a more positive note, my other dc's year head has this week given them a talk in the hall positively encouraging ppl to snitch.

OP posts:

LadyGAgain · 01/02/2023 04:53

Unless you're prepared to speak up, have an adult discussion with the teacher or year head, YABU. What do you expect to change without speaking up!

Noonesperfect · 01/02/2023 04:59

The teacher sounds highly unprofessional and unhelpful. I agree with you OP, when children are not supported when they have been bullied can and has led to young students taking their own life. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your ds, it's disgusting behaviour and should have been much better addressed by the school.

Original poster

doggydance79 · 01/02/2023 05:03

@DuchessOfDisco I'm well aware things can change in translation, but this is something that is very unlikely to to have been made up, it was also confirmed by another kid in the class who was walking out of the room at the end of the day with ds, and a parent of a separate kid, who had asked me about ds eyes one afternoon and asked again after her kid must have said something following the class talk .

@KendrickLamaze thank you, but he's not actually at that school anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

doggydance79 · 01/02/2023 05:11

@LadyGAgain I did what I could at the time, I'd actually had a whole other issue which was pursued further up the school for months. The head of year became very dismissive after I had to keep asking for action, it seems they are quite slack with poor behaviour, and of course you cannot get any info on what is happening because they flat out tell you you do not have a right to any info about any other students. Even to the extent that they would not say what action/sanctions were being applied. Anyway, that was finally dealt with, and as I say it was a while back and he is no longer at that school.

@Noonesperfect thank you, it's strange to me that some people think instilling that attitude in primary kids is ok.

OP posts:

Silverbook · 01/02/2023 05:30

if you’ve not spoken to the teacher about this and you only have your child’s perception I would say you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

doggydance79 · 01/02/2023 05:39

@Silverbook try RTFT

OP posts:

WendyAndCIyde · 01/02/2023 05:44

That's terrible op. And yes bullying can have devastating consequences.

BCBird · 01/02/2023 05:45

As a teacher myself I do think this was a stupid thing to say if that is the wording that was used. Speak to someone at the school about this. Give the teacher the opportunity to explain,possibly retract and apologise. If he/she did say it it was a definite mistake but despite what people sometimes think we are human and therefore we can,like everyone else make mistakes. As for the throwing at your sin,totally unacceptabl. This must be taken seriously.

KendrickLamaze · 01/02/2023 05:45

Sorry, what do you mean he's not actually at that school anymore? Are you saying he is no longer at the school with the problem you are discussing here?

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 01/02/2023 05:46

So you went to the class teacher. The teacher called him a snitch. You did nothing more and let your child carry on suffering despite your concern about suicide, you just kind of hoped it wouldn't be your child?

Why did you not help your child?

MrsMikeDrop · 01/02/2023 05:52

I don't know why you're getting so hassled, it's not rocket science that there is a correlation between being bullied and suicide. I think teachers are given a hard time, but one area that needs to be managed better is bullying. I know some adults who still have the psychological scars of being bullied despite being successful adults. Many schools seem to try and brush it under the rug.
I would ask to have a chat to the teacher about how to help your DC going forward. It does sound like he's being bullied which breaks my heart Sorry to hear about it OP, it must be terrible for both you and him

Bessica1970 · 01/02/2023 05:53

So this happened nearly two years ago?

You need to let it go now. Yes, if it happened as your child said then it was poorly handled - but your child could have misinterpreted what she said - and it’s a bit too late to challenge it now!

AnotherNameChanges · 01/02/2023 06:01

Crikey OP, people have been pretty harsh to you on here!! I think you have a good point. Not sure why everyone is piling on and calling you unreasonable!

Teen suicide is often v complex, but your point about children feeling unsupported if teachers respond to a child seeking help by calling them a snitch, is very valid. Children need to know their concerns will be heard and addressed as otherwise they have nowhere to turn. There is a link between young people not speaking up and seeking help, and suicide. There are also pinks between bullying and suicide. You are within your rights to have made these links.

There are plenty of bullies on mumsnet, and sometimes bullies don't like to think their actions can have such dire effects as death. That's possibly the reason for the defensiveness from some mumsnetters here.

custardbear · 01/02/2023 06:04

You need to speak to someone higher up in the school as the teacher should be more professional anti bullying, sounds like they were bullying themselves as well as supporting the original bullies

barmycatmum · 01/02/2023 06:15

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s incomprehensible to me that rather than address the bullying (which had a bad effect on his health), she chose to passive-aggressively shame anyone who dares speak up. Oh hell no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2023 06:18

Yanbu
Some primary schools seem to have a very ‘soft’ way of managing bullying. My dd’s former primary wasn’t great at all.

PAFMO · 01/02/2023 06:20

custardbear · 01/02/2023 06:04

You need to speak to someone higher up in the school as the teacher should be more professional anti bullying, sounds like they were bullying themselves as well as supporting the original bullies

The child is no longer at the school.
The OP complained at the time about the throwing grass incident, (seemingly 2 years ago,)which was dealt with (in a way she didn't like) (but didn't pursue)

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