To think this teacher was being unprofessional? (TW teen suicide)

[doggydance79]

I'm not someone who goes round teacher bashing, I didn't make a huge deal out of it at the time, but was reminded of this by a few recent things and encountering said teacher the other day.

We all suffer from hayfever to some extent, and take high strength tablets every day over the summer, which doesn't completely remove the symptoms, but makes it bearable. Some of the kids in ds's class figured out that he reacted to freshly cut grass, so made it a regular thing to throw handfuls in his face. He would come home with his eyes swollen almost shut with uncomfortable breathing. It wasn't a one off, even if he was in an area well away from grass those kids would bring it over, and him asking them to stop, then teachers on duty to get them to stop had no effect whatsoever. After getting him to try all available actions, I went in to speak to this class teacher. And learned that the next day, the talk she gave to the class revolved around "noone likes a snitch". She actually said that, and as far as I know, didn't say much more. Ds finally managed this by being in the library when he could, and basically hiding out when he couldn't, luckily this was near the end of the season, and it didn't happen the next year.

Anyway, my point is, ds was getting bullied, and her response was to tell the class that noone likes a snitch. Which to my mind is a terribly unprofessional and possibly dangerous thing to say. More recently, there have been teen suicides in schools in the area, which is terrible, some of these must have been caused by bullying, as someone had at one point put up a row of "bullying causes suicide" signs all along both sides of the roads around one of the schools. AIBU to think that attitudes like this teacher's are unprofessional and part of the problem? Not everyone I know agrees, but I could very well imagine some poor kid reaching out for help and hearing this from the teacher...and feeling like they have no support.

@KendrickLamaze yes, I'd seen the woman yesterday, the signs recently, and recalled the bullying we'd had in the past and her reaction to it. Hence the q.

@BCBird I'd hope so too. I know we can all say things without thinking, but this seems a situationwhere a teacher should be careful what message they are putting across. There's that lovely phrase 'snitches get stitches' which seems quite prevalent in society, so a lot of ppl must subscribe to it.

@WeeWillyWinkie9 yeah absolutely. That's exactly how it happened. 🙄

@MrsMikeDrop thx, but as previously explained, it was a while ago. We took it as far as we could at the time, and it blew over.

@Bessica1970 I'm not holding on to it specifically. It was something which I was reminded of after seeing the woman and wondered what others thought. Especially since this week dd came home and said her HoY had specifically told the kids to snitch on bullies (specific phrase used) and not to live a shit life (this bit might be paraphrased, lol). Seems a more sensible attitude to be promoting imo, and I respect him for putting that out there!

@AnotherNameChanges absolutely. Does make you wonder if their attitude would be different if their dc was having a shit time at school and did the unthinkable.

I think it's incomprehensible to most of us tbf.

@PAFMO we did what we could, and ds found a solution. Thanks for getting that extra little dig in there though!

But the fact that some teens from other schools have committed suicide, the fact you didn’t know them and don’t know why they committed suicide; evidenced by you making assumptions on their reasons, has absolutely nothing to do with the fact your son had grass thrown at him and his teacher basically called him a snitch. So yes, it’s click bait.

luckily this was near the end of the season, and it didn't happen the next year.

Anyway, that was finally dealt with, and as I say it was a while back and he is no longer at that school.

You need to draw a line under this and move on.

Ah ok. Makes more sense now. It is bad and it shouldn't have happened but I think you can take this experience forward and learn from it. I hope he isn't bullied now

Sorry if you couldn't follow the explanation. I asked a q and gave some backstory which involved our own bullying experience and context to why I was asking it . That's all. As I said, I thought it was courteous to give a TW. If you think it's click bait, so be it.

Oh, dear lord. We drew a line and moved on ages ago. Is no-one allowed to ask opinions on what happened in the past? Or does that indicate that I must somehow be traumatised and wringing my lands over it every day still? 😆

@KendrickLamaze thank you. He did have something else which we had to take further at that school, but he's elsewhere now and going good so far. Thank you. 😊

Ours too. Really the only option that's open to the teachers is a restorative chat as they don't like to label bullying. Blame seems to be shared between children and it's one of things/ a clash of personalities/ children will be children blah de blah. There's been a fairly steady exodus of children to private school over the last few years. Numbers are down 18% over last five years. This has a knock on of reduced funding and composite classes.

I think YABU to blindly believe what was reported to you. Kids mishear, misinterpret and exaggerate, especially if it gets a parent frothing IME. I am sure, had you asked, there would have been context to what was said. She could have been dispelling the myth, addressing the fact that some children in the class had used those words, trying to establish the difference between something worth reporting to an adult and something that is not worth reporting.

I have a pupil who tells me everything - someone wasn't listening when you were talking, someone looked at me, someone dropped their pencil. She is very unpopular as a consequence. Some of our conversations, in trying to help her manage her friendships, involve explaining that the other children feel cross when she 'tells on them' all day every day.

@barmycatmum yep, I thought it a weird attitude for her to be promoting in the classroom, tbh.
@Mummyoflittledragon very frustrating, isn't it? I hope your dd is at a better school now!

Context is everything op, did she say that in reference to 'I've been told this is happening and no one likes a snitch but it needs to stop' implying your ds was the snitch or was it ' look I know no one likes to snitch but I need names of who is doing this because it's really serious'? Obviously the former is inappropriate and I would go to the head of year about it.

I have found in the past when my son was younger, some teachers take great offence when you point out behaviours of children in their class. It's almost like they see it as an attack on their teaching. So perhaps she was one of these. As it happened on their watch they don't like you pointing it out

Yet you are the one who started a thread. So the "dear lord-ing" at posters giving you advice is misplaced.

If it didn't happen again after they talk, the teacher was effective in dealing with it. Maybe she said " no one liked a snitch but if this happens everyone is responsible for letting us know about it as it's very upsetting for OP son?

Your gripe, which is reasonable has sod all to do with the very click bait title- so unfortunately you'll find many people (sorry, myself included) focus on that- recent suicides in school and your sons situation are not in the same bracket. The school should absolutely be doing more- and you should be involving yourself in it- as the other kids behaviour is utterly unacceptable.

But what do you plan to do with the opinions of the MN collective? Are you seeking validation that you were correct and the teacher was out of order? If so it’s a bit strange. It presumably is something that you still think about as if you had drawn a line under it you wouldn’t be posting two years on at 03:38 hrs.

The teacher could have handled it differently but in telling your child no one likes a snitch it sounds more like advice along the lines of pick your battles as opposed to a threat. But then what do I know, I wasn’t there so I’m provided with no tone or context. I do hope he is doing well at school still.

I genuinely don’t believe you. Did the teacher say about the snitch thing in front of you, or is this the report back from DC.

Because my DH is a teacher and one thing he said was twisted so badly there is a rumour that he murdered someone. Of course, he hasn’t ever come close, but it’s quite funny watching how the story became so bizarre.

I'm not going to bother with this thread any further after this post, because although there are a number of genuinely well meaning people who actually read the info and comment on the actual q within the post, a greater number seem to delight in coming up with whatever they can in order to make up crap to attack me with. God forbid anyone with a difficult and current situation posts for advice and comes across you harpies.

Thanks to those who took the time to read and comprehend what was actually being said, and post in the same vein.

@Osteria that's your choice (not to believe me). Doesn't have any bearing on the q in the thread. If you have a problem, jog on. But instead of considering the q, you just posted to have a dig. Very constructive.

@WestBridgewater I'm not seeking validation from anyone. I was simply posing a q and asking what others thought, which is exactly what happens in a vast number of threads every day. Yeah, we have moved on, I explained why I had recently thought about it again, and the reason I posted at that time was because I'm in a completely different time zone to you, assuming you are in the UK. You see how every little thing is twisted to PROVE that items something else? You assumed my posting at that time meant the (old) situation was weighing heavily on my mind. It isn't. I've already said that. For all you know, I could have been up feeding a baby at that ungodly hour, if I was indeed awake at 3.30 my time :)

@SD1978 I explained why the title was as it was. If I hadn't put TW no doubt someone else would have used that as a beating stick instead.

@PAFMO yep, I did post first, and it should be a minimum requirement of ppl posting that they actually read the info in the thread properly before commenting. I get that ppl might miss a few things, or want clarification, but just posting comments that don't even consider the issue in the post and go off on a tangent which has already been covered more than once is just lazy and pointless. Much like your comments. I'm not interested in arguing shitposts.

@Treacletreacle yep, I can see how that would happen!

@WonderingWanda as it happened so long ago I wouldn't know the exact wording now. I only remember that particular phrase because when I was told it I thought it was insensitive and inappropriate, I'd already given her the names and to ds it sounded like your first convo, it def wouldn't have been the second, given that she already knew which few kids it was. That also tallied with the impression the other kid and the (unrelated) other mother had. She wasn't generally known for her tact, diplomacy or patience. She may have been tactful in this instance, but I rather doubt it, given the circumstances.

Thanks to all genuine posters who gave their opinion, whether you agreed with me or not! That's what healthy discussion is all about. 🙂

@doggydance79I take on board your comments regarding what I previously replied and I accept that I have got it wrong and I apologise if I offended you. I have to acknowledge that you have only concentrated on the first part of my post though.

Wow. Make a formal complaint about the teacher in writing to the head and trigger the school’s complaints process re their failure to comply with their own anti/bullying policy.

If kids are deliberately triggering his allergy that’s serious and should result in those kids being disciplined.

I’d be tempted to look for a different school if there is this level of bullying going on and also a teacher this awful. Not all schools are like this OP.