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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that I didn't get a leaving card/gift when others did.

58 replies

Hurtdoc · 31/01/2023 19:07

I've worked on my ward for 4 months. 2 doctors left (one in Nov one in Dec) after also working there for 4 months. Both got a card, gift, cake to share and a card signed by the whole ward - collection and purchase organised by one particular nurse.

This nurse asked me last week when my last day at work was. Today there was no card or anything in the office. I spent the day wondering if I was being left out. I finally ran into her and she said "good luck in your next job". That was it.

One of the docs kindly got me a card and a bar of chocolate.

It isn't the norm at all to get a leaving gift as a doctor because we rotate every few months and I'd absolutely never expect it. I just feel very hurt to be treated so obviously very differently when the others were given gifts in front of me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 31/01/2023 19:51

Sometimes it’s about something that has happened that has drawn the group together so you feel more bonded and acknowledge that, sometimes it’s just about time of year (leaving just after Christmas/Nee Year etc can mean everyone’s just done their dash with presents).

Sometimes it’s about who the organizer is (contrary to the misguided attempted GOTCHA above, in the units I’ve worked in the organizer for staff gifts has been me, the doctor) because sometimes I don’t have the headspace/time and if nobody else steps up then it doesn’t happen. The organizer is not always a nurse but is always, always a woman I note.

If you’ve been off that may be a factor also. Just less time to get to know you.

It is really unlikely to be intentional or unkindly meant

For those screeching about ‘four months’ it’s actually common to have a cake or some other thing to make the end of rotations. They are rather more intense and with far more opportunities for bonding under pressure than four months spent sat in an office 9-5.

itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 19:51

Exactly. Try to chalk this down to bad timing - the cost of living crisis combined with lots of industries striking tomorrow and presumably distracting your colleagues from realising that you left work today. Try not to compare yourself to the others who left before because things were different just a few months ago and it’s not a personal reflection on you. You clearly did a great job.

FinallyHere · 31/01/2023 19:56

Don't lots of nurses end up married to doctors

Don't be too surprised that a nurse arranged something for eligible doctors. Sorry.

RachelSq · 31/01/2023 19:58

I didn’t get a leaving gift once in a job when someone else who’d been there a similar length of time did just a month or so earlier.

It did put me out a little (I’d put into collections for similar things) but in the same way I didn’t really care too much as I’d only been there 6 months and had no intention of staying in touch.

I got paid to do my job and that’s really what mattered most!

Guihgesfy5es · 31/01/2023 20:01

Hurtdoc · 31/01/2023 19:14

You seem to have missed the point where the others also worked there for 4 months and were acknowledged.

Show quote history

I worked somewhere where I know I was liked because I stayed friends with some people. I stayed 5 years and moved on in the new year. Previously people who had been there 1 year in fixed contacts and weren't that liked were given expensive presents.

It all had to do with organisational overload of the people involved. When they realised they had overlooked me, several people said they felt bad but assumed someone else had it.

Likely to be the same reason. It's life

Throwncrumbs · 31/01/2023 20:02

I worked on a ward for 14 years and didn’t get anything , not even a card, another nurse left after a couple of years of working there, had two leaving dos, pressies, flowers and a card then less than week later was asking for her job back! (Which she got!) Unfortunately I was too outspoken and didn’t put up with any crap, so I didn’t make myself popular, don’t care tbh it was a shit place to work with shit staff and even shittier management, but that’s private hospitals for you!

fastandthecurious1 · 31/01/2023 20:03

I worked somewhere for 18 months and left 3 weeks ago got a card but zero gift when I had put into plenty others leaving I was very annoyed a £4 bottle of wine would of been nice!
Excuse was 3 of us left close together and just after Christmas. Fair enough for the team but still very poor practice I feel!

MrsMikeDrop · 31/01/2023 20:03

Mum97540 · 31/01/2023 19:16

Sometimes it can seem as though you've been treated unfairly and it's a reflection on you. It's probably that either the person who organised it knew them better or was a bit more organised that day, or a bit distracted by something else. Try not to take it to heart.

This. But also after a few sometimes people get tired of it, and I'm not surprised if it was the 3rd leading after 4 months. It's not a reflection on you. I worked somewhere where leaving was a big thing, but after the 5th or so one in quick succession people stopped (also it gets expensive if people are chipping in). 4 months is nothing anyway, sorry YABU

Throwncrumbs · 31/01/2023 20:07

Hurtdoc · 31/01/2023 19:32

I've also been signed off with depression but I came in on my last day to say goodbye to a patient who was very attached to me and to wrap up some of the jobs I'd worked on. So that probably isn't helping how I feel about this.

I think you being depressed may be the problem. Don’t take it personally. You probably need to toughen up a bit, I don’t mean that in a horrible way. When I started nursing in 79, I was a sensitive soul, by the time I retired after nearly 40 years I had toughened up and didn’t stand for any nonsense from anyone!

Johnnysgirl · 31/01/2023 20:08

Does anyone know that you've been signed off? Maybe they don't actually realise you're "leaving", as such. Just that you're going on sick leave.

itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 20:17

MrsMikeDrop · 31/01/2023 20:03

This. But also after a few sometimes people get tired of it, and I'm not surprised if it was the 3rd leading after 4 months. It's not a reflection on you. I worked somewhere where leaving was a big thing, but after the 5th or so one in quick succession people stopped (also it gets expensive if people are chipping in). 4 months is nothing anyway, sorry YABU

Show quote history

Over summer, 4 members of my own team left plus colleagues in other teams. The collective effort put into leaving contributions really did dwindle down by the 3rd person leaving. By the last person, everyone was broke and someone even accidentally wrote the wrong name in a leaving card and had to style it out.

BasiliskStare · 31/01/2023 20:22

Well just to emphasise - lots of people in my company ( 15 - 20 years ago ) used to put £2 or £5 in an envelope and we bought them a nice present so eg a silver thing to put a wine bottle on. It became a thing which no longer happened I was the one who normally bought it - & I do not mind I did not get a present - but love the card you got @Hurtdoc - that to me would be so much more meaningful.

Original poster
Hurtdoc · 31/01/2023 20:25

Johnnysgirl · 31/01/2023 20:08

Does anyone know that you've been signed off? Maybe they don't actually realise you're "leaving", as such. Just that you're going on sick leave.

Only my supervisor knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtdoc · 31/01/2023 20:26

BTW I know a lot of people in similar industries think 4 months is "nothing", but junior doctors rotate every 4 months for 2 years and continue to rotate (against their will) beyond that.

Consequently most people just think "oh they've been here no time" and we are made to feel like we don't belong anywhere/aren't noticed despite doing a huge amount of work.

OP posts:
Bargainoftheday · 31/01/2023 20:28

I would expect nothing after 4 months, because that is far too soon

I know 2 people who have worked for 20 years each. No email from management to say thank you & good luck. Zero, nanda

That is what I call disgusting

Especially, when there is a huge logo at work glorifying how much people matter

Original poster
Hurtdoc · 31/01/2023 20:37

Bargainoftheday · 31/01/2023 20:28

I would expect nothing after 4 months, because that is far too soon

I know 2 people who have worked for 20 years each. No email from management to say thank you & good luck. Zero, nanda

That is what I call disgusting

Especially, when there is a huge logo at work glorifying how much people matter

That is horrendous. NHS?

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 31/01/2023 21:10

If you'd been signed off then they wouldn't have expected you in potentially. I was told when signed off that I shouldn't be going in and they shouldn't be contacting me, so they could easily had not been prepared to see you.

KittyCatChat · 31/01/2023 21:33

The people who organise gifts are the ones who decides who gets them. If you don't organise them for others then why do you expect them. This shit falls to the same few people time and time and time again (and im not just taking about contributing) but actually organising it.

I say this as someone who's never been into this crap and has never received anything from my workmates. Even though I've worked with many of them for over 22 years.

RuthW · 31/01/2023 21:43

The doctors who stay with us get nothing. The ones that are with us a year get a card and cake for us all to share.

Scienceadvisory · 31/01/2023 21:46

Rainbowqueeen · 31/01/2023 19:23

Your feelings are totally valid and I’d feel the same way.
This is why workplaces need to have a set policy about these things and not just allow randoms to do what they like. Sounds like she feels doctors deserve special treatment. It says more about her than it does about you.

The OP is also a doctor so no, it's not about this other person thinking doctors deserve special treatment.

MrsMikeDrop · 31/01/2023 21:54

Hurtdoc · 31/01/2023 20:26

BTW I know a lot of people in similar industries think 4 months is "nothing", but junior doctors rotate every 4 months for 2 years and continue to rotate (against their will) beyond that.

Consequently most people just think "oh they've been here no time" and we are made to feel like we don't belong anywhere/aren't noticed despite doing a huge amount of work.

You sound like hard work OP. I've been a consultant and it's just part of the job. A card would be nice, but don't take it personally and dwell on it. It could be for many reasons, none which have anything to do with you

Oblomov22 · 31/01/2023 21:58

I don't know what you are expecting. 4 months? Get lost. I care about colleagues I've had for 2+ years.

celestebellman · 31/01/2023 22:07

I think it is possible as mentioned that if you'd just been signed off they may not have expected you in.
Also, leaving gifts are quite random and dependent on who actually thinks about it, remembers and has headspace to organise in the week before. I am a consultant, and I did ask the admin person who organises collections to do one for the current junior leaving last week, and got a card. However, when my last junior left in August I have no idea what happened as I was on leave/ it was summer holidays ... so it can be pretty haphazard, especially if responsibility is dispersed.
To people saying 4 months is nothing, junior doctors are an integral part of the team for a short, intense period. All teams are different - my current one is quite hot on leaving presents for anyone, not just doctors, but I've worked in a lot where this isn't the case. It doesn't really bother me one way or another, but I understand that the comparison can hurt. Also, if you've been depressed you are likely to be more sensitive and interpret things negatively so try not to dwell on it. Cards from patients are definitely worth treasuring.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 31/01/2023 22:18

FinallyHere · 31/01/2023 19:56

Don't lots of nurses end up married to doctors

Don't be too surprised that a nurse arranged something for eligible doctors. Sorry.

The OP is also a doctor and the OP and the 2 previous doctors who left are all female.

Bargainoftheday · 31/01/2023 23:15

No not NHS

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