To not want to be my sister's rent guarantor?

[HaroldTheStallion]

I have agreed to sign as my sister's guarantor so that she can rent a flat and I will do so. But I really don't want to and hate that DH and I are in this position.

My sister is bipolar and in addition to this she and I are not close. She blames me for a lot of things to do with our childhood, most of which were not my fault (and some were, but we were both children). She never makes any effort to see me, in fact actively avoiding me, and yet when she wants something I am expected to provide it (expected by our parents and by her).

Before the pandemic, she was living in our home country and I was in the UK. For 3 years, she didn't work, claiming she couldn't find a job (she could have but chose not to) and our father paid her rent and bills. He subsequently had to move to a cheaper flat as she had drained him of so much money he could no longer afford his home. At this point with both my father and sister in danger of becoming homeless, my parents and I encouraged my sister to move to the UK to live with me and my husband. She lived with us rent free for a year.

My sister then, to her credit, got a job and moved out into her own flat, with my husband and I signing as guarantor. This is because our father lives in our home country and can't sign, and our mother is a pensioner without many assets. For 2 years now she has paid her bills and kept her job - it's been great.

Now she wants to move into a larger flat and has asked me to sign as her guarantor again. I didn't really think it through and said yes. But now I just feel like I really don't want to. I wish she could be independent of me and don't feel like keeping on doing things like this for someone who dislikes me.

I am successful and could afford to pay my sister's rent if it came to that. I have also spoken to our father who says if it all goes wrong he will reimburse me and I won't be out of pocket. I know I have to sign because I've agreed to, and because my sister doesn't have anyone else who can do it. So this is just a rant really- I'm just so tired of having my sister like an albatross around my neck. If she actually seemed to like me and made any effort that would be different I suppose but the way it is I feel like such a mug.

YABU = you are an absolute mug and really should not sign even though you're going to anyway

YANBU = if you don't look after your sister including signing as her guarantor in perpetuity she will end up homeless or will drain your dad's finances even further and we can't have that

Cold banana your response is shocking. They put her up rent free, they've been her guarantor before and got her a flat, she's ripped her dad off etc. None of that is to do with bi polar

You shouldn't do it if you're uncomfortable.

I would never be anyone’s guarantor. She’s already got a home so she should stay there.

Thank you @LadyJ2023 I found Cold Banana's post pretty awful but I'm sure that is how my sister actually thinks - everything is someone else's fault, never hers.

I've decided to sign for a year only and to ensure this is clear in the contract. If it isn't I'm not signing (but her keeping her existing flat doesn't really help much as I'm her guarantor there too plus she would resent me even more).

I don't know why she needs a guarantor but she says she does and the estate agent has asked me for my details. But if this goes to plan then in a year I'll be free and won't do it again. Thanks again - it's been really helpful reading all the responses.

I get it OP. My sister is bipolar and though I love her dearly, it can be really fucking hard at times. She has been in a very good place for the last few years, thank God, but I do remember a MH professional telling me that bipolar can be worse for the loved ones than it is for the person, certainly during a manic phase.

I'm not sure PPs all quite understand how severe the symptoms can be, and how they can present as being unfeeling and cruel. People in a manic episode tend to behave in extremes, so spending all your money, overdraft, getting into debt, can all be part of it. Inappropriate behaviour and relationships can flourish and become very destructive in a matter of days. The person suffering a manic phase can be cutting, cruel and unkind to the people they love most. And then, after all this, the manic phase can come to an end and then they're faced with the consequences of what they've done. Often then, the depressive phase of thinking "I've fucked everything up" means they don't actually have the mental energy to sort out the mess, so it's left to others. It's horrible, I can't imagine it. It must be hell to live with.

I'm with you OP. Don't take on the responsibility, especially if it will cause you worry- you really do have to protect your own MH in all this...

There is still time to say no.

I really wouldn’t.
Id be having a serious think about whether to be a guarantor for anyone, let alone in your situation.
Let your parents be involved if they wish (by increasing the deposit perhaps) but I would not put my own family finances and stability at risk.

A bit of an update- I spoke to my sister who spoke to the estate agent. She said they say that after 6 months she can request I be removed as guarantor and the landlord will consider it, and that she would "mark her calender". I said that's not good enough and that I am only willing to sign a time-limited contract for a maximum of a year. I said that otherwise she will need to find another solution such as taking out a rent guarantee insurance policy, offering a larger deposit, etc. Because I won't sign based on a promise to review in 6 months. She understood and will be going back to the estate agent again to try to find a solution. I'll keep the thread posted.

If it was solely based on your sister's request, I'd get her to write a letter dated 6 months from now, requesting it. However, it's at the whim of the landlord and no sane landlord would remove a guarantor, why would they? It's just one more person to chase for anything unpaid and there's no downside.

Stand firm @HaroldTheStallion , and well done for not agreeing to her six month proposal, which effectively means nothing. Make sure you read any paperwork carefully, and ensure there’s not ambiguous phrases in it. Ie. Phrases that could be read two ways, such as ‘review’.

Presumably they’re asking for a guarantor, even though she has job and references, because they’re not certain her income will be quite enough to cover all outgoings, so the only way she’s able to get this more expensive flat is with you as the back stop. Definitely put a limit on the guarantor arrangement. She can prove herself during that year. You’ve done more than your bit.

Major update - I don't have to sign!!!! My sister contacted the estate agent again who spoke to the landlord. The landlord has decided she can have the flat without a guarantor! I'm ecstatic because not only do I not have to sign, I'm also going to be off the hook for her existing flat when she moves. Seriously if it hadn't been for this thread I would have just signed. I didn't expect it to turn out like this and even said in my OP that I was going tonsign regardless! Thank you so much for helping me to stand firm!

Excellent result OP!

Yay!

It's the Power of Mumsnet!

Great news!!! Well done to you for standing firm.

Well done.

Let this be the beginning of a new stage in your life.

You do not have to be your sister's keeper.

Great news!

If only renting in the current climate was that straightforward. OP’s sister has clearly been asked to provide a guarantor.

Just caught the last update - can now see that she didn’t need to after all! I eat my words 😆

🙌 yayyyyyy. Amazing update. Go Mumsnet. And sounds like a decent landlord blow me down with a feather

Good result. Well done.

Excellent news. It must also mean that your sister isn’t overextending herself paying for this new flat, which is really good and shows that she’s gaining independence. A win all round!