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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be my sister's rent guarantor?

72 replies

HaroldTheStallion · 31/01/2023 18:39

I have agreed to sign as my sister's guarantor so that she can rent a flat and I will do so. But I really don't want to and hate that DH and I are in this position.

My sister is bipolar and in addition to this she and I are not close. She blames me for a lot of things to do with our childhood, most of which were not my fault (and some were, but we were both children). She never makes any effort to see me, in fact actively avoiding me, and yet when she wants something I am expected to provide it (expected by our parents and by her).

Before the pandemic, she was living in our home country and I was in the UK. For 3 years, she didn't work, claiming she couldn't find a job (she could have but chose not to) and our father paid her rent and bills. He subsequently had to move to a cheaper flat as she had drained him of so much money he could no longer afford his home. At this point with both my father and sister in danger of becoming homeless, my parents and I encouraged my sister to move to the UK to live with me and my husband. She lived with us rent free for a year.

My sister then, to her credit, got a job and moved out into her own flat, with my husband and I signing as guarantor. This is because our father lives in our home country and can't sign, and our mother is a pensioner without many assets. For 2 years now she has paid her bills and kept her job - it's been great.

Now she wants to move into a larger flat and has asked me to sign as her guarantor again. I didn't really think it through and said yes. But now I just feel like I really don't want to. I wish she could be independent of me and don't feel like keeping on doing things like this for someone who dislikes me.

I am successful and could afford to pay my sister's rent if it came to that. I have also spoken to our father who says if it all goes wrong he will reimburse me and I won't be out of pocket. I know I have to sign because I've agreed to, and because my sister doesn't have anyone else who can do it. So this is just a rant really- I'm just so tired of having my sister like an albatross around my neck. If she actually seemed to like me and made any effort that would be different I suppose but the way it is I feel like such a mug.

YABU = you are an absolute mug and really should not sign even though you're going to anyway

YANBU = if you don't look after your sister including signing as her guarantor in perpetuity she will end up homeless or will drain your dad's finances even further and we can't have that

OP posts:
Original poster
HaroldTheStallion · 31/01/2023 21:37

OK I've now had a long discussion with pur father (who, no, she has never, would never and could never pay back). He and I have come up with a compromise. My sister will need to contact the estate agent and have it written into the contract that I am signing as guarantor for 12 months only and will not be responsible for any lease extensions etc beyond that period. Without that stipulation I'm not going to sign. I've told my sister and she has agreed to this and is going to contact the estate agent. I don't know what they'll say but if they don't like it then there is also the option of using an insurance company such as rentguarantor.com/?ref=pip

I could afford to pay her rent for a year. But our father has said he will reimburse me anyway if it comes to that. So I feel it should be OK, and regardless I will feel much better with an end date in sight. Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
SerialFaffer · 31/01/2023 22:02

Hmm, I’ve been in a similar position to you in the past. My sister was putting my husband and I under pressure to being her guarantors (pressure via my mum). She’d ran up loads of debt on her previous flat, didn’t pay rent and bills, has no real intention of maintaining employment long term and (cutting to the chase) is actually just really toxic towards me and entitled.

We did not agree to be her guarantor - she still holds it against us a few years later, in spite of now having racked up huge debts and not paying her rent on the next house. Safe to say that I don’t regret it!

ColdBanana · 31/01/2023 22:09

Do you know, I have a lot in common with your experience (as the “support” sister). The first thing I thought was “your poor bloody sister”. It’s the whole way you approach it - she could get a job but didn’t - she drained him dry - I’m successful - do you think she doesn’t know your opinion of her? You mention bipolar but nowhere do you factor that it. And yet you wonder why she doesn’t like you? It doesn’t occur to you that she might hate the dependency and the fact you don’t like her either?

No one has to be responsible for another but either do it with grace or not.

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 22:10

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 31/01/2023 20:22

YABU. You shouldn't have agreed, that's the long and short of it. She's an albatross because you allow it.

I think you are mad to do this.

For a larger flat?

🙄

She is not your responsibility and you need to step away from behaving as if she is.

Your parents are very wrong to guilt you into this.

ColdBanana · 31/01/2023 22:15

No one has to be responsible for another but either do it with grace or not.

I take this bit back since you won’t be paying a penny anyway.

Deathbyfluffy · 31/01/2023 22:19

I’ve always made it crystal clear to all friebds and family I will NEVER be a guarantor - and when DC are old enough I won’t do it then either.

Unlimited liability for someone else’s actions? No thank you

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 22:23

ColdBanana · 31/01/2023 22:09

Do you know, I have a lot in common with your experience (as the “support” sister). The first thing I thought was “your poor bloody sister”. It’s the whole way you approach it - she could get a job but didn’t - she drained him dry - I’m successful - do you think she doesn’t know your opinion of her? You mention bipolar but nowhere do you factor that it. And yet you wonder why she doesn’t like you? It doesn’t occur to you that she might hate the dependency and the fact you don’t like her either?

No one has to be responsible for another but either do it with grace or not.

I highly doubt op is making the sister put her as guarantor? What op is meant to be happy and grateful for being asked to do this?

'Poor bloody sister' really for having such a dreadful family that have paid her rent for her and agreed to be guarantors? What absolute horrors they sound! 🤔

Riverlee · 31/01/2023 22:24

Listen to @SerialFaffer

If she defaults on her rent, you’ll be legally liable. Can you afford this? Also, for any additional costs such as service charges and expenses (my son has just had to pay over £500 on top of service charge for building repairs).

Don’t do it!

Willynuts · 31/01/2023 22:26

Sarahcoggles · 31/01/2023 18:44

YABU

Why?

Mrshermit · 31/01/2023 22:28

We had to get a guarantor but then we have never been late with rent ever! However if I was in your position I wouldn’t do it

londonrach · 31/01/2023 22:28

That's a no from me too!!! No way in fact!

HamBone · 31/01/2023 22:31

TheMagicSword · 31/01/2023 19:03

If she’s paid her rent for two years she shouldn’t need a guarantor. If this was the only way to keep a roof over her head that would be one thing. But it’s purely to enable her to move to a bigger flat - nice but unnecessary.

Exactly, @TheMagicSword . I’m guessing that the flat is perhaps not affordable on her income and so she needs a guarantor as well? Or is her credit history poor?

I think you’re being sensible only agreeing to be her guarantor for one more year, OP. Surely after three years of regularly paying her bills she won’t need one anymore.

SerialFaffer · 31/01/2023 22:33

OP, I just wanted to add that you really need to put some boundaries in place with your sister and your parents. Know the difference between a preference and a boundary and stick to it. Putting healthy boundaries in place is not unreasonable.

GooglyEyeballs · 31/01/2023 22:36

It's idiotic of you to agree to something you're not comfortable with... You only have yourself to hold accountable now.

SnackyOnassis · 31/01/2023 22:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

spaghettimaretti · 31/01/2023 22:42

I’d say no if I were you.

My sister asked me a few years ago. I said no because I was about to apply for a mortgage and didn’t want the liability.

She doesn’t speak to me any more. Don’t think it’s connected but she won’t tell me so it’s anybody’s guess 🤷‍♀️

ColdBanana · 31/01/2023 23:30

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 22:23

I highly doubt op is making the sister put her as guarantor? What op is meant to be happy and grateful for being asked to do this?

'Poor bloody sister' really for having such a dreadful family that have paid her rent for her and agreed to be guarantors? What absolute horrors they sound! 🤔

Show quote history

Family? It’s been only her father, unless I missed something (in which case sorry). The OP hasn’t had to actually pay anything and whilst I sympathise with her father that is not who is posting.

worstusernameeverx2 · 31/01/2023 23:37

You keep saying you HAVE to sign but you don't- that's something you've imposed on yourself. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, for anyone at all. This is a story you've told yourself. I think not signing it would be a great way to establish the boundaries that are clearly non existent and start the road to your sister being compelled independent

worstusernameeverx2 · 31/01/2023 23:37

*completely

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 23:42

ColdBanana · 31/01/2023 23:30

Family? It’s been only her father, unless I missed something (in which case sorry). The OP hasn’t had to actually pay anything and whilst I sympathise with her father that is not who is posting.

Show quote history

@ColdBanana the sister lived in the OPs home for a year for free?

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 23:44

Also, even now She never makes any effort to see me, in fact actively avoiding me, and yet when she wants something I am expected to provide it (expected by our parents and by her).

So I would say op is pretty generous already!

FeinCuroxiVooz · 31/01/2023 23:46

yabu to facilitate her moving into a larger more expensive flat. she should stay in the smaller cheaper flat until she has built up enough good credit record to no longer need a guarantor. then she can move without needing you to sign anything.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 31/01/2023 23:46

To be honest just say no
She isn't homeless is she?

JudgeRudy · 01/02/2023 00:59

I don't understand why your sister still needs a guarantor? Surely now shes working and successfully managing a tenancy one wouldn't be needed.
Sounds like it's a done deal now and you've already signed up. If you didnt want to, or you were unsure, you were unreasonable to do so

LadyJ2023 · 01/02/2023 01:05

Sorry but be adult and say sorry you've thought about it and you can not be a guarantor. She's adult time to give her the responsibility of being one. Bi-polar she could get full disability benefits and help to cover anything. If she's working great but it may not last. There's 2 choices tell her stay where she is or many will take the offer of extra months rent instead of a guarantor. I was able to do that several times pay an extra 6 months and 4 months on another to avoid getting a guarantor. It's time to look out for yourself and actually let her grow up x