Social anxiety - should I just push myself to do things?

[C1239]

I’m fed up of not feeling sociable and feeling anxious before seeing friends etc, I think working from home has actually made this worse for some reason. How do I shake it off? Is it really the more I start being sociable and doing more it’ll feel less daunting? I never used to overthink this which is why it’s frustrating. I like my own company but also want to get the balance back.

Yes. I've recently had CBT for severe anxiety and one of the treatment methods was exposure therapy, ie exposing yourself to situations that make you anxious. It's daunting of course but does really work, at least for me it has.

@EasterIsland

I worry that we pathologies something, seek to medicate the condition, when actually there are simple steps which can free us of this unnameable fear.

I agree. There are obviously some people who suffer from very social anxiety and this is debilitating but I am troubled by the idea of medicalising normal and perfectly healthy human responses.

It’s a balance obviously and no one who is anxious or introverted should be railroaded into having to be the life and soul all the time but the assumption that it’s always OK to sit everything out and never make any effort to get past it “because anxiety” just legitimises the idea that it’s perfectly normal to avoid other people all the time.

Have you read the book ‘how to make friends and influence people’ ?

It doesn’t exactly apply to anxiety but it gives quite a lot of tips on how to make conversation (long story short : ask them questions about themselves! I’m thinking this way you wouldn’t be worrying as much about what you said yourself?)

btw if you don’t have audible you get your first audiobook for free, I got mine that way, then just kept the subscription ! There’s a few good ones out there, I’ll try to remember the names if you’re interested. Half of it you instinctively know really, but it can help to hear it (and they’re not horrendously long!)

As for activities, I just started going out with shy people really. We’d go to the cinema, chat a bit, and that was it. Then progressed through more interactive.
I also really like the opera, I had a subscription for ballets, and it makes for easy talk afterwards

I 100% relate to you OP. I feel anxious about majority of social events and actually feel nervous about things which most people would look forward to (parties, nights out, BBQs). I think unfortunately you have to just go for it, but try to remember that if you are like me and you over think every thing you say and worry you sounded like an awkward idiot, I guarantee you didn't and even if so the person you were speaking too would have forgotten about it ten seconds later. Also bad advice but if situation warrants a glass of wine helps!

Yes. It's hard but it's the only thing that's worked for me.

Make a habit of checking in on your breathing. Pop a hand on your bellybutton and try to send your breath all the way down there – it gets you out of fight-or-flight and activates your parasympathetic nervous system.

Have something to hold on to as a reminder of the physical space you're in, if you tend to spiral. A smooth rock to rub, a fiddle ring to play with...

Feet flat on the floor wherever you can.

As PPs have said, start small – a 1:1 coffee, a short chat. I'm a big fan of 'doing dates', where a friend and I run errands together (the bank, the post office, etc.) – it takes the pressure off of having to talk with nothing else to do.

Tell your friends what you've been feeling. You don't have to make a big thing of it – just "I've been feeling a bit anxious in social situations recently and I'm trying to work on it – so if I seem a bit off or I step outside for a few minutes, it's just that."

You don't have to tell everyone, of course – but tell a few of your loveliest friends and ask them to be your 'practice buddies', so you know you've got a safe space to find your feet in at first.

I make a decision ahead of time if I want to go to an event e.g. friends bday party and try and stick to that (barring severe illness)

Immediately before the event I always get anxious and want to stay home but once I'm out I enjoy it.

Avoidance alleviates anxiety temporarily, but longer term makes it worse. Because it reinforces the feeling.

Start slow and go from there. I am trying to do the same, small kids and then covid means I am not where I was socially.

Just practice. I used to hate speaking on the phone until I got a job which required me to talk on the phone! I do it now without a second thought

Thank you so much for all your kind messages, I haven’t had to read them properly yet. One of my worries I think is that I worry about feeling poorly if I’m in a social setting or out somewhere working, no idea why, never used to…. Then obviously often I start to feel anxious at the thought of doing it then I don’t know if the symptoms are anxiety or I am feeling poorly then it’s easy to say oh I ll do it tomorrow…. I really want to snap out of it!

I worry about feeling poorly if I’m in a social setting or out somewhere working, no idea why, never used to

Can you sit down with yourself (or a friend) and rationally think through - or write down - what you might do if you start to feel unwell in a social or work situation?

Such as, where is the nearest bathroom or lavatory?

Where might there be a quiet corner to sit down and put your head between your knees?

Can you get to a door for fresh air?

Rehearse what you might say to the people you're with. "Excuse me, I'm feeling a little unwell. Might I take a breath in the fresh air?" or "May I have a glass of water?"

And think about what "feeling poorly" means. Do you feel nauseous? Or faint? or shaky?

I find that working through my fears point by point, really helps because instead of the fear being a big amorphous blob, it becomes a series of concrete points, and then I can prepare. I can make sure I have a handkerchief, or a bottle of water, or know where the lavatory is etc etc etc.

Try to reframe your thinking: instead of thinking "I have social anxiety"

Try: "I am anxious about X" - make it concrete.

Then you can rehearse strategies to either stop X happening, or deal with it without panicking.

Have you tried, before you go, when you are feeling anxious, the 'worst case scenario, trick? If you go, what's the worst that could happen? Eg : You get there, really shy, can't speak, and need to leave. And? So? Force yourself to think what the worst things that could happen, and how you'd deal with it. Makes you realise its not that bad.

Thank you @EasterIsland & @Oblomov22 , this completely makes sense. I feel so silly for having these worries! Most people just about their day and not even think about this don’t they!

I have always had social anxiety and I found therapy really helpful. We went through why I was feeling like that and why my self esteem was so low. Then ways to keep the anxiety down. Grounding techniques and breathing exercises were really helpful. Alongside learning those things and the talking therapy, I was encouraged to push myself gradually into new social situations. I made a list of 10 things to try in order of scariness. 10 was performing on stage, 1 was going to the pub with a friend with things in between eg meeting someone I don't know, going to a big party- still haven't performed on stage but it doesn't now fill me with dread as it did!
Hope that helps!

Lots more people feel anxious about doing things - particularly new things - than we all realise. In fact, I'd say being nervous about new situations is "normal."

We just learn to cover it up, and then we fake it till we make it - and if you're lucky (and I was) you start to enjoy being less anxious and taking on new situations.

You'll find you can get a buzz out of it, particularly if you've been very shy before.

Its absolutely the lockdown/work from home effect. I had to go away with work for a couple of nights (in the same country) and I was a wreck- use to travel far and wide across the globe. But it wasn't too bad and everything went fine. But I also realised I'm OK staying home I enjoy it so decide what you want and work towards getting it in small steps

It was a very slow process. It took about 10 years to get this far. It's one of those things that you keep learning, as long as you keep trying at it. I've had a lot of counseling too which has helped.

I’ve just read through all the lovely replies and there’s some great advice for me to take on board, thank you!

Hope you’re feeling a bit more positive about things op. I struggle with social anxiety too and have an event this weekend that I’ve been dreading for months! I’ve just read this article and found some helpful advice in it idontmind.com/journal/how-to-survive-a-social-event-when-you-have-social-anxiety