Social anxiety - should I just push myself to do things?

[C1239]

I’m fed up of not feeling sociable and feeling anxious before seeing friends etc, I think working from home has actually made this worse for some reason. How do I shake it off? Is it really the more I start being sociable and doing more it’ll feel less daunting? I never used to overthink this which is why it’s frustrating. I like my own company but also want to get the balance back.

Yes. Just like everything else it comes with practice. I avoided situations with people for years, but now in my 50s I'm quite sociable. Once you've done something it gets easier

Do you have any hobbies or do you play sports? A short structured social event might be easiest to start with. Something like a badminton club 'No strings attached session' would work for some people. Basically you can just pitch up and play regardless of how good you are. If you don't like sports what about a craft session or volunteering somewhere.

I'd hope there was something that would suit you where you don't have to be particularly social to join.

Another way to work through it is let yourself do what you want to do. Stay home. Eventually you’ll start to get in touch with your actual real needs for human contact, and then you can do it from a genuine place. Much more authentic than the ‘fake it til you make it’ strategy.

I grew up in a different era - I was very shy - to the extent it would be pathologists as “social anxiety” now.

But I was taught that this was basically quite self-absorbed behaviour, and that if I were more interested in others, I wouldn’t suffer from excessive shyness. And that is such a good way to think about. Stop thinking about yourself. Think about how wonderful and interesting and extraordinary other people are.

I also just got over myself and grew up - it took me till I was around 30. That was too long to be so self-absorbed. It is too long to deny yourself a full and interesting life.

I agree with everything previous posters have said but I'd also suggest building in a short, quiet activity immediately after doing something sociable. Even if it's just reading a book for 15 minutes. I find it stops me from obsessing about how I came across or analysing things people said because my mind is forced to focus on something else. Then by the time I do want to reflect on the experience I can be more objective and relaxed about it, which helps for the next time. And the next...

I'm in my 50s. Similar in that I was incredibly shy as a child. My mum used to say to me 'what makes you think you're so special that you think everyone's looking at you?' Harsh, but meant kindly.

I still struggle and am better at accepting invitations than issuing them. I can't believe anyone would want to spend time with me.

OP you need to keep pushing through the feelings. It's not easy and I'm a lot older than you and still find it hard. But it is worth it. The more you do it the easier it gets.

Could you start gently and anonymously by doing some of your work at Costa or the library?

I think labelling shyness/social anxiety as "self absorbed" is mean and unhelpful.

It's like saying "cheer up" to someone with depression.

A diagnosis doesn't mean support is provided. It may say the child has XYZ and come with a massive file of strategies to try. But it may just say the child has XYZ which can be easily managed. Two children with the same XYZ can be like chalk and cheese.
Often getting support or trying different strategies earlier can be better than doing nothing. Evidencing what has been tried, over x time and what was and was not effective can be very helpful. How long you have to wait varies tremendously and even with a diagnosis it won't affect funding or an EHCP. Don't get despondent, have regular conversations with the teacher and Sendco about what is working and what they are discovering to make the best use of any waiting time.

So OP have you decided to make a start? What tiny thing can you push yourself to do tomorrow, then come back and tell us how it went?
Baby steps..go for a walk and say hello to a stranger... go to the shops and ask a member of staff a question...phone up the leisure centre and ask if there is a womens only swim session....But you know you best, so pick one thing you are going to try tomorrow.

Yes, do things anyway.

It can get much worse if you don't. Decide what is a reasonable amount of socializing and try and get about that much in. Especially anything that really interests you, even if it seems scary. Doing it typically makes it easier over time.

And FWIW, OP, I have had quite bad social anxiety when I was younger. I made a pragmatic decision to push myself, and found ways to cope. It's not always perfect, but it's far better than it was 20 years ago. Like, not even the same ballpark. It was probably about 10 years before I felt like it didn't hold me back seriously.

Not necessarily.

I identify with all the people who say how shy they used to be and how difficult they found social interactions. That was me.

But you really can get better at it. When I was much younger I was very shy and often "hid" behind DH at social occasions because he seemed more confident.

But I have learnt that it it is easy to talk to people, you just have to be interested in what they have to say. Then if you remember something about them, e. g. they are very keen on gardening; they are about to go on holiday to Iceland; they have just got a guinea pig, the next time you see them, even if it is six months later, you can ask how is the garden, tell me about Iceland, how is the guinea pig or whatever. They will be so chuffed you remember they will think you are wonderfully sociable and be very happy to talk to you

Work on it a little bit at a time. Meet a friend at home, then go a bit further like in a local cafe (or pub). Cinema is good as you don't need to talk.

If you go to hard too soon, you will just regress in your recovery.

Don’t live your life for nobody but you. We all born alone and die alone.

Would some therapy and CBT help you eqip yourself with the toolkit to deal with the social anxiety? I used to struggle massively especially 10 yrs ago when I worked with some v clever people. I felt dim and would hardly speak in meetings but my experience was just as valid as theirs. It waa easier when I moved jobs to a smaller team and gradually built up my experience.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2020/01/23/smarter-living/adults-guide-to-social-skills.amp.html

This is what’s happened during Covid and wfh; more and more people have lost the ability to be social and just hide away at home.
It’s really quite sad.

But the thing is, what I’ve learned is that other people really are not so interested in me as I am interested in me. Things I think I’ve done or said that are embarrassing to me, have not even been noticed by others.

In my experience of pathological shyness (I found doing shopping and catching buses really really really difficult through to my. I’d-20s for example), I’ve learned that while I might feel everyone is looking at me, actually they’re really not.

it’s important to realise this. I’m a nicer kinder person now, because I’ve taught myself to be interested in other people. I’ve got over my excessive self-absorption.

Remember these things:
Everyone is preoccupied with their own stuff.
People are mostly kind
People like other people who are interested in them

Im now the kind of middle-aged woman who chats to the lovely women at my supermarket or in the bus queue. So many lovely conversations with strangers!

40 years ago, I could barely ask a bus driver for my fare.

EasterIsland I could have written your last post. I identify with everything you say.

My mum used to say to me 'what makes you think you're so special that you think everyone's looking at you?' Harsh, but meant kindly.

My mother said that too. Yes, it feels tough.

But it’s also true! Not that you aren’t special, of course (we’re all special) but that, really truly, everybody ISN’T looking at you!

Agree with others here that it’s about exposure and, in a kind and manageable way, feeling the fear and doing it.

I think you have hit on something really important about lockdowns and their impact. I do think a lot of people who struggle with social anxiety allowed themselves to totally let themselves go during this period and lost whatever social comfort they did have.

I read so many posts during this period from people revelling in the fact they had to make no social effort at all and could retreat into their families and pull up the drawbridge.

It was understandable in the circumstances but profoundly unhealthy in my view. Yes people who struggle socially need to take time to themselves to recharge etc but the reality is we live in an interconnected world and everyone needs to have some engagement with the outside world in order to function. Relying solely on your nuclear family for all your emotional needs is never a good idea.

I think a lot of pathological social anxiety arose out of this period and it now needs to be tackled and not normalised any more.

@Renoir56 Our mothers sound similar! I had a very charismatic outgoing younger sister, so for most of my childhood I (literally) hid behind her.

I had a very responsible job in my mid-30s running things. I had to go to a lot of meetings where I didn’t know anybody and have tough discussions. I really learnt that I had to get over myself, and face these things full on, because other people’s work was depending on me doing well.

I took deep breaths before entering meeting rooms, I consciously stood up straight, looked people in the eye, shook hands firmly, and smiled a lot. Smiling can really cover shyness.

I regret the opportunities I passed up in my teens and twenties, because I was scared. I really hate being scared now - I don’t like to be beaten down by things.

Find your inner stubborn old lady, @C1239 - train yourself to become the woman you want to become - it can even be fun! Good luck

I’m in my 30s and it just randomly appeared two years ago for me. I think it started at work and once my body knew what a panic attack felt like it was as if I was constantly threatened by having one and really didn’t want to have one in public. My world has got smaller and smaller over the years and I’m now off work (my work was stressful too). I’m going to start going back to things like running, yoga classes etc just to structure my week a bit more.

I used to rely on propranolol to get through every social situation but I’m now pregnant so don’t take it. I’ve started therapy and I have noticed a slight difference in that I just haven’t had that panic come over me in social situations but it’s too early to tell whether it’s fully worked or not

not normalised any more.

This is key. The thing that I’m grateful for the supposedly “harsh” way my family had of trying to coax me out of the unnameable fear that is “shyness” is that they wanted for me to be able to interact with the rest of the world in a way that didn’t distress me or have me in tears.

I worry that we pathologies something, seek to medicate the condition, when actually there are simple steps which can free us of this unnameable fear.

Im a strong believer in naming things - trying to work out why one is fearful, for example. Because in my experience, shyness or social anxiety, is too broad a term. I was now ask myself, anxious about what? Shy or scared of what?

I try to be rational, and break down the irrational fear. Because waking at 3am and going over one’s (imagined) social stupidity over and over again is no way to live.