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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At my wits end with friends going back to abusive partner

45 replies

Peckhaminn · 31/01/2023 13:54

Hi all. Friend was in a very very physically, controlling and mentally abusive relationship which took a toll on me and another friend. We supported her for 3 years whilst she was going through the gruelling abuse.

She would call me in tears where he's hit her, I'd drop everything I was doing, pick her up and let her stay at mine. Happened so many times. She finally ended things when she met someone else (a lovely guy) but it just wasn't going anywhere so that recently ended after 3 months.
She's told me a week ago that she misses her ex boyfriend (abusive one) and I've told her to please remember what he did to her and do not go back there. Found out he 'called' her last week which seems suspicious to me as she hasn't heard from him in months, bearing in mind she was saying she was missing him a week or so ago.
I can't go through this again. She's been in and out of bad relationships and I finally thought she had got out of this situation.
She can't seem to stay single for a long period of time without ending up missing her exes. I've always been very honest with her and said she needs time on her own to recoup and sort her issues out.

What do I do!?

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 31/01/2023 13:57

You let her get on with her own life. You cannot control what she does, only your reaction to it.

I know you care about her but you must protect yourself first.

I'm sorry Op I have been there, done that and in the end I had to cut ties.

Simulacra · 31/01/2023 13:59

It takes 7 times on average for a woman to successfully leave.

Leaving - and the period after - are when we are most likely to be murdered.

HTH.

Badger1970 · 31/01/2023 14:01

I had a friend in the same situation, and I had to walk away for the sake of my own mental health. I supported her for years, but the conversation when she disclosed that her DP was hurting their DC was one too far for me. It took her a further 2 years to leave, and that was only because her DP did something awful in front of family.

I think it's perfectly OK to say that you can't watch her do this to herself again. It's a form of self harm.

MorrisZapp · 31/01/2023 14:01

Protect yourself. You can't really influence her, she will or won't go back to him. Don't give this any more than you can afford, mentally and emotionally. It's so hard, but probably just step back a bit.

Original poster
Peckhaminn · 31/01/2023 14:03

It's just draining. I don't know how she can even consider going back. He threatened to kill her on so many occasions and me and our other friend were HONEST saying that all it takes is him to push her down the stairs or to punch her too hard. He was a vile human who I refused to have anything to do with. Just relentless. Can't cope with it.

It's draining and exhausting. We've been friends for 14 years. Hand hold please.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 31/01/2023 14:06

I'm sorry OP. I know how hard this is. There's not much you can do. At some point, you might find you have to tell her that you cannot listen and support anymore without action on her part. Obviously, your preference is to be there for her, but that starts to have a very negative impact on your own mental health (I speak from experience) and it also gives her a safety net. If you get to that point, tell her that if she wants to leave him, you will be there day or night to support her but in the meantime, you cannot and will not listen to her talking about this man.

Easier said than done. I know. Also from experience.

Wibblewibble1 · 31/01/2023 14:09

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 31/01/2023 13:57

You let her get on with her own life. You cannot control what she does, only your reaction to it.

I know you care about her but you must protect yourself first.

I'm sorry Op I have been there, done that and in the end I had to cut ties.

This.
please don’t feed into the drama as that is what is keeping her in this relationship , not just the nasty ex.

NeedToChangeName · 31/01/2023 14:10

As others have said, domestic abuse is really complicated, and it often takes multiple efforts to end the relationship and move away. Far easier said than done

But you don't have to condone / accept what he's doing

A good compromise might be "I'll always be there for you if / when you want to end the relationship and leave him, but until then, I think it's best we don't talk about this"

NeedToChangeName · 31/01/2023 14:11

Wibblewibble1 · 31/01/2023 14:09

This.
please don’t feed into the drama as that is what is keeping her in this relationship , not just the nasty ex.

Show quote history

@Wibblewibble1 I doubt OP's friend is enjoying the "drama". She's a victim of domestic abuse. Let's not blame victims here

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/01/2023 14:12

Did she had a DA support worker? If so maybe encourage her to contact them.

other than what you have done I don’t you think you can do any more. Although your friend sounds like she is vulnerable you do have to put yourself first and step away if it is becoming too much.

does this friend has children?

was There any police involvement following the abuse? Any orders in place!?

Original poster
Peckhaminn · 31/01/2023 14:15

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/01/2023 14:12

Did she had a DA support worker? If so maybe encourage her to contact them.

other than what you have done I don’t you think you can do any more. Although your friend sounds like she is vulnerable you do have to put yourself first and step away if it is becoming too much.

does this friend has children?

was There any police involvement following the abuse? Any orders in place!?

We tried so many times to get her to visit a charity for domestic abuse or speak to someone but she never did. Also tried to get her to get a restraining order on him. She didn't see it as serious enough and didn't feel like it would help. We resorted to everything we could. We even considered calling the police anonymously when he was at hers as we knew every time he would be there, he would lash out on her. I will always support her but I just get infuriated with it.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 31/01/2023 14:16

Back far away op. Put your mh firmly before hers..
I was there for my mate when her dh got sent to jail for a very very serious crime. Pre his release police secured her home. Panic buttons at both her and her dps homes...
Turns out she had been on touch with him all along.

I walked away for good.
And for my own safety.. Her poor dc.

Original poster
Peckhaminn · 31/01/2023 14:17

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow Luckily, no children. But he often would buy a cheap ring on Amazon and give it to her and 'pretend' he was proposing everyone she said she was leaving. He also tried to encourage her to have a baby with him. Everything to trap her, thankfully she wasn't that stupid to agree

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 31/01/2023 14:18

I had similar at later I was being threatened as well which she dismissed as me being silly.

There is a point when you cannot help a person who doesn't want to be helped and you have to consider your own wellbeing. Physically or mentally. You are a good friend but everyone has their limits

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/01/2023 14:22

Simulacra · 31/01/2023 13:59

It takes 7 times on average for a woman to successfully leave.

Leaving - and the period after - are when we are most likely to be murdered.

HTH.

No, it's not helpful for the OP at all is it?

It's sad and going to be a wrench OP but there is no need for you to get on this merry go round again with your friend. Despite all the support over the years she hasn't changed. Don't go putting yourself down over it, you have been a good friend to her Flowers

OriGanOver · 31/01/2023 14:31

Step off the merry go round OP.

Your friend has the informative to help herself.

Tell her when she stops going back to these men then you will be there for her but she's fucking you up with her messiness.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/01/2023 14:31

Op honestly sounds like you have done as much as you can. you’ve already done well beyond what most friends would.

Original poster
Peckhaminn · 31/01/2023 14:34

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/01/2023 14:31

Op honestly sounds like you have done as much as you can. you’ve already done well beyond what most friends would.

I completely agree. I stopped asking how she was in regards to him before she met the new man. The sad thing is, she is a very good friend to me in every way. She just has shit morals herself. I guess I'm going to have to accept and let her get on with it and just be there for her when it all goes tits up again

OP posts:
Original poster
Peckhaminn · 31/01/2023 14:52

Update: our friend told me she met him for a drink last week. Obviously I haven't been told this for reasons justified I would lose my shit

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 31/01/2023 15:53

Seriously op, step away. You sound far too emotionally involved in all this.

I know it's hard when you care about someone but she isn't your property.

She is an independent woman with total agency over herself. She can do as she pleases with whomever she pleases even if they are bad for her.

You cannot control other people. You can only control your own reactions.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 31/01/2023 15:55

You sound just like me 12 years ago.

Protect yourself first.

January17 · 31/01/2023 15:57

One of the hardest things about being in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship was losing several friends.

I think unless a person has been in one and understands how a trauma bond feels, they'll judge the person who keeps going back negatively.

I understand why you feel frustrated.

Allytheapple · 31/01/2023 16:04

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Tell her if she calls her about his abusive behaviour you will ring the police because you know she is at risk from him.

They will do a welfare check and you can step right back.

These types of relationship dynamics are complex and it will take her a long time to work through it, if she ever does but there is no way that I would keep up what you have been doing to date. It will completely wear you down but equally you don’t want to see her unsafe.

My mil has left my FIL after 40 years she is still no where near getting it, very complicated stuff.

ShiverOfSharks · 31/01/2023 16:13

If there are no DC in this situation, the best and only thing you can do is, as PP have suggested, step riiiiiiiiiight back from the situation and tell her that you will be there if she wants to leave, but you cannot and will not talk about him any longer.

You can't save her. Only she can save herself. In the meantime, all you can do is protect you.

Original poster
Peckhaminn · 31/01/2023 16:33

Thank you for the responses. Just not sure how to stop it angering me. Do I just walk away and tell her I can't deal with it if she returns or do I say I'm there for you when it goes bad but I can't be apart of this? So difficult

OP posts: