At my wits end with friends going back to abusive partner

[Peckhaminn]

Hi all. Friend was in a very very physically, controlling and mentally abusive relationship which took a toll on me and another friend. We supported her for 3 years whilst she was going through the gruelling abuse.

She would call me in tears where he's hit her, I'd drop everything I was doing, pick her up and let her stay at mine. Happened so many times. She finally ended things when she met someone else (a lovely guy) but it just wasn't going anywhere so that recently ended after 3 months.
She's told me a week ago that she misses her ex boyfriend (abusive one) and I've told her to please remember what he did to her and do not go back there. Found out he 'called' her last week which seems suspicious to me as she hasn't heard from him in months, bearing in mind she was saying she was missing him a week or so ago.
I can't go through this again. She's been in and out of bad relationships and I finally thought she had got out of this situation.
She can't seem to stay single for a long period of time without ending up missing her exes. I've always been very honest with her and said she needs time on her own to recoup and sort her issues out.

What do I do!?

The advice is always to be there for when they eventually do leave etc etc but as someone else said, protect yourself. I personally couldn't be the sympathetic ear this time.

When he eventually gets bored, her saying nothing means some other poor woman will be next.
I understand the temptation to call the police but I'm pretty sure she'd deny he touched her.

Get rid and find a fun friendship. She sounds boring and draining.

Oh god, I have been where you are OP and it is awful. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped, if this situation is having an adverse affect on your mental health then you need to take a step back and prioritise yourself. My situation differs from yours as we ended up telling her that if she didn't cut contact with him we would contact social services because her DS was genuinely in danger. Luckily she did leave for good after that, otherwise I think I would have cut contact with her, I had spent too much of my own mental strength, money and time helping her and I just couldn't afford to do it again.

You could say to her that she can contact you if she needs your help leaving him for good, but you need to distance yourself all the while she is in contact with him. If you feel up to helping her again that is.

Hi DangerNoodles. Thank you for responding. The difficult part is, I've recently taken a new role at the same company she works at, so it'll be very difficult to distance myself. We talk every so often and I don't tend to get too involved in her life, but this is just too much now and I no longer want that involvement because it makes me infuriated. Especially as I too, was in an semi abusive relationship when I was very young but as soon as it got abusive I walked out and never turned back. So I sympathise in a way but don't understand why people tolerate it. X

My friend has recently been left by the biggest arsehole on the planet. I had no idea how abusive their relationship was. Now that I do know, I could not in any way condone her going back to him. I would have to walk away to protect my own mental health.
Luckily I think their split is final.

I would have to write her a note and tell her that I still wanted to be her friend and continue to do any activities you both did together, but you can cannot support her relationship as you find talking about it distressing, and you cannot provide guidance for that aspect of her life anymore. I would also add that you’ll absolutely help her if she decides to leave but for now, discussions about the man and the relationship are off limits. It would be hard for me to completely withdraw from an otherwise good friend. I’d want to keep the lines of communication open just in case they were needed.

Step away. Block. You cannot help her.

Oh no, that's really akward. Do you think she is the type of person to be professional if you severed any personal ties to her?

It is so common for abused women to keep returning, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating for those dealing with the fall out.

Domestic abuse is SO complicated. I know it's frustrating, but I'm sad to see so many posters blaming the friend
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

This book is quite old now, but brilliant
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

It does feel like an intense addiction. It changes your brain.

You can logically know the person is damaging to you, but still miss them. The cycle of abuse is all highs and lows.

You're right @NeedToChangeName, it isn't the friend's fault. It isn't OP's fault either if she feels angry at or frustrated with her friend, she is only human.

But even though the friend isn't at fault, she isn't entitled to more help than the OP can afford to give.

You can try telling her that you won't discuss him or their relationship and she still insists on sharing info with you, then the only thing to do is step away completely from the friendship for now.

It's incredibly frustrating watching someone you care about throw their happiness away.

It’s all part of the cycle of abuse, and unfortunately your friend has to make the decision to get herself out of the cycle. This friendship isn’t working for you. Tell her you will be there for her if she ever decides to really leave him and get counseling and live a less chaotic life, but that you can’t let her choices make your life more stressful.

I'm thinking you didn't read the OP

OP isn't a DV support worker. She isn't getting supervision or support from someone else. She is being subjected to visceral trauma through her friend.

Don't make her feel bad about not being able to cope with that. And I say that with the FULL understanding of her friends situation. I pissed my friends off as well.

When she confirms it again tell her you cannot watch her do all this again be polite at work but distance yourself

It's not about blaming the friend. It's about acknowledging that the power to change the friend's situation lies with and only with the friend, and that it can be really, really hard to be the friend of a person who seems dead set on destroying their own life.

I feel for the friend. But OP won't help either of them by driving herself nuts.

How so love?

Have you ever been in this kind of situation with a friend? I have.

'A good compromise might be "I'll always be there for you if / when you want to end the relationship and leave him, but until then, I think it's best we don't talk about this"'

I think this is a great suggestion. You're not cutting her off, but you're setting a boundary about what you are prepared to listen to.

OP, I have been on both sides of this - I went back to a violent partner more than once, many years ago. I also, much more recently, had to walk away from a friendship, in part because her husband was a controlling arsehole. Ultimately, you need to be prepared to put yourself first here. It sounds like you have been a great friend to her, but very understandably, you have reached the end of the road with supporting her through this situation

I think it isn't normal how much it angers me to find out she's gone back to him. Mainly because I've dropped so much of my life to support her which I know is what friends are supposed to do. But there's been so many occasions where it's affected our friendship for example; we've made plans to go out and she's miserable all evening because of him.
She's currently not aware that I know about being back with him, I heard from our mutual friend and as I've said prior, it's not my life - but hers. Just going to be difficult to sit back and watch her destroy her life and eventually be consumed by all the violence.