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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters dad's wife keeps contacting me!

30 replies

Lallyhead1 · 31/01/2023 08:32

My dd dad and myself were together for 6 years, split when she was 2 and he moved to a different country, never saw her again. Never paid maintenance and I never chased it. Anyway dd is now 15, his new wife messaged me asking how dd was, telling me about her husband and the things he still does, gaslighting and generally being a dick.
I said dd doesn't want contact, she doesnt i asked her and she doesnt.
I spoke to his wife she seems nice, end of story, or so I thought
But she keeps texting me, updating me on her life, asking me about dd. I'm not interested, dd is not interested. Should I just ignore her? I feel sorry for her being married to him but really it's not my problem is it?
I just find it bizarre but is it?

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 31/01/2023 08:34

He’s getting her to message to find stuff out because he’s a wanker

Eixample · 31/01/2023 08:35

If there’s never a situation where she would need to contact you, couldn’t you just block her?

MaoamAddict · 31/01/2023 08:35

Block and move on

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2023 08:35

I would block her number. Weirdo.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/01/2023 08:36

Block. Why would you even have to think about it? He’s clearly manipulating her.

Everybodywants · 31/01/2023 08:36

It could be that she's realised she's in an abusive relationship and she's trying to make sense of all that is happening so she's trying to find out if he did it to you too

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:36

YANBU. I agree that some of it might be instigated by him, but also you don’t owe this woman a friendship or a pen pal.

Just ignore her.

Hiddenvoice · 31/01/2023 08:37

She’s either realised the relationship is toxic and trying to find out what really happened between you guys or he’s asked her to contact you to finally find out about his child. I just wouldn’t bother replying

walkinthewoodstoday · 31/01/2023 08:39

Everybodywants · 31/01/2023 08:36

It could be that she's realised she's in an abusive relationship and she's trying to make sense of all that is happening so she's trying to find out if he did it to you too

I think this. It's up to you and I wouldn't advocate getting too involved for your own sake, but perhaps she is desperate and reaching out. Maybe simply tell her that he was a dick when he was with you and that's why you ended it and recommend the same to her!

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/01/2023 08:40

I would just block.

You are busy raising your Dd. It may come from.a nice place /or not. However how your Dd is doing is no business of what essentially is a stranger

PotKettel · 31/01/2023 08:41

I’d set up a spare email address, message her and say “feel free to send all your updates about DD dad to this email address, and we can save all the messages there. I will ensure dd has access to the mailbox so if she wants to read them, she can. At the present time she isn’t interested in knowing a father who has never shown want interest in knowing her, or contributing to her upkeep or childhood. And even now the updates are only arriving because you’re taking an interest. However one day dd may change her mind so perhaps your effort won’t be for nothing. Let’s keep each other’s phone numbers in case of an emergency, but I’d prefer we only use phone messaging for this purpose.”

IamnotSethRogan · 31/01/2023 08:43

Well I very much doubt he's asked his current wife to message his previous wife telling her what an abusive prick he is.

It's likely that she is in a bad situation and feels like you might be the only one who understands it. What you do is completely up to you because you've been through it and got yourself out, you're under no obligation to continue contact with this women, it isn't fair on you, but it just sounds like she isn't in a great place ans doesn't know how to handle it.

PotKettel · 31/01/2023 08:46

PS to be clear I wouldn’t give dd access to the inbox - you can keep an eye on it from time to time and selectively share if dd ever wants to find out more.

Your dd may one day want to find out about her father, maybe . “Not now” doesn’t mean not ever. So maybe keep the door open a chink and control the flow of messages so you aren’t troubled by it.

trulyunruly01 · 31/01/2023 08:47

Nah, nowt to do with you or your dd. Block.
If it's origins are with him himself, then he can contact you direct. Otherwise she's looking for ammo to use for her own purposes against him.
Just send a final message saying you don't think these communications are appropriate or helpful. And block.

isthismylifenow · 31/01/2023 08:47

How did she get your contact details if you have no contact with him?

She may well be looking for an outlet. Which I don't think should be you.

Cupofteaforall · 31/01/2023 08:56

She probably thinks that you would understand the issues as she is experiencing similar to what you did perhaps. It's strange and awkward, do you think you dds dad has access to her phone ? Be short and try to close the conversation off.

MeridianB · 31/01/2023 09:08

Whatever her reasons for contacting you, I think your instincts are correct - protect DD and close things down.

Hups · 31/01/2023 09:12

If you've been apart with no contact for thirteen years, how did she get your number anyway?
Unless you're enjoying the updates, just block her.

Original poster
Lallyhead1 · 31/01/2023 09:16

@Everybodywants this is what I was thinking! It took me really long time to realise what a prick he is and to leave, so I can see why she might feel she has no one else who would understand.
She got my number because its the same one I've had for years, I blocked him but he obviously still has my number.
Whilst I feel sorry for its not really my problem so think I'll just block her

OP posts:
motherofcatsandbears · 31/01/2023 10:07

He needs a kidney and is getting her to act as a go-between as he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself.

Cakecakecheese · 31/01/2023 10:12

Send her the details of Woman's Aid and then block.

Calphurnia88 · 31/01/2023 10:50

I expect she's having concerns about the relationship and is seeking an outlet in and/or validation from you. You don't owe her anything.

If I were in your position I would probably send her a (polite but firm) final message with words to that effect, and let her know that I won't be engaging in further conversation. Then block her.

Original poster
Lallyhead1 · 31/01/2023 11:46

I think she is genuinely having a difficult time but not my problem. I think she likes having someone to talk to who knows what he's like but it actually makes me feel sick thinking about him.
That's a good idea, I'll send her a message and then block.

OP posts:
mamnotmum · 31/01/2023 11:49

I would reply and say you've asked dd and she doesn't want any contact with her father or his wife so you are respecting her views and therefore wont be able to keep in contact with her.

Then block her.

PollyDarton1 · 31/01/2023 12:09

I'd send her a polite message saying you do not wish to have contact with her as there is no need, and you do not need to know about her or your exes life. Then block.

I suspect he's treating her like shit and she's reaching out to the person that has been there before.