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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with everyone

34 replies

Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 19:55

I'm having a whinge and right good old moan. Prepared to be told to give my head a wobble but I'm just so fucking sick of people, I honestly dont understand them.

I like to think I'm a decent, nice person who goes out of my way to help someone in need and I honestly just feel like I get shat on/side lined all the fucking time. Have done my whole fucking life. I'm 37 and can count the number of friends I have on one hand. Everyone else I know are either family members, work colleagues or acquaintances.

I had a best friend at school, let's call her A. When I went to college I met B. A didnt go to my college. Through the weird and wonderful tapestry of life A and B ended up being friends. Suffice to say when I was 18 I got ditched by them.

Fast forward to a few years ago (when I was pregnant) and A started to invite me to things as our paths crossed again (both have children). I ended up making friends with A's friends and even met up with B again. I felt happy to have a friendship group of sorts again after resigning myself to mum life.

A few years pass and I was invited to B's wedding reception. I went on my own as was single at the time. I only really knew A and B out of everyone there so felt awkward, really out of place. Since then and then the pandemic I dont hear from either of them. So this was 2019-2020. I have asked A to meet up since the pandemic and we have got together once in that time and honestly it's me doing the asking every single time. When covid struck i messaged A every now and again to check in, make sure she was ok, was sympathetic to her struggles. Since the world has opened back up I've heard nothing from her unless I ask her. So I've fucked the whole thing off. It hurts too much seeing them having fun together with their little clique on Facebook etc when they no longer include me. Again. So I've unfriended. Sad I know.

Okay so... my best mate who has been my best friend since our early 20s has now got a new partner so she has little time for me anymore. I get it. She's busy and wanting to spend her spare time with her new gf outside of work and studying for her degree. But I do feel like I've been fucking sidelined again. We are genuinely very close but obviously less so now.

I made a new friend last year. She confided loads of deeply personal stuff in me from the get go, and as such I was there to support her, lend an ear, and had her son come over when she needed time to herself, lend stuff to, I buy her stuff from the shops if I'm going anyway, etc but even she is flaky as fuck. She will say stuff like "we'll do something on such a date" and it never transpires. She cancels on me all the time when we make plans, says she will message or call me but doesnt, she "forgets" or theres always some drama going on in her life. She calls me up when shit hits the fan and she needs someone to offload on.

The tipping point for me was that she said she would have my son over for a sleepover at her house at the weekend (this was last week) then just never mentioned it since at all, until I took my sons party invite round to hers for her son yesterday. Her daughter answered the door so I didnt even see my friend in person. Then later on my friend texted "daughter said you'd popped round, sorry i was meant to have your son here but I'm at my sisters with a family situation going on".

This was Sunday so any thoughts of her having my child stop over at her house on friday or Saturday night had well and truly gone out the window. Likely she "forgot". I wouldnt mind but you'd think youd text about it in the week. To avoid saying what I was really thinking, I text back saying "no problem, I was just dropping an invite round for DS birthday on date at place."

She has read my text but not said thanks, or even that her son would like to come or not. She just doesn't communicate fuck all. I'm not trying to sound harsh but if it was me I'd reply with a thanks and even just a "I'll let you know nearer the time" if I couldn't say for definite.

I've come to the conclusion that friends are overrated and just a bit wank really. People are flaky fuckers and what I wouldnt dream of doing to people (conveniently forgetting about them for one) people have no qualms in doing it to me even though I always always try and be helpful, supportive, friendly, open etc.

If you got this far, thanks. I'm just sick of having the piss taken out if me as the good old dependable one who does a lot for people and gets fuck all back.

OP posts:
ssd · 30/01/2023 19:58

People are shite self serving bastards. If you find someone decent who doesn't just talk about themselves, hold onto them. The rest, get rid and dont look back.

Original poster
Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 20:00

I'm struggling to find decent friends

OP posts:
ssd · 30/01/2023 20:00

PS. I'd be your pal

Keyansier · 30/01/2023 20:02

You sound like a really nice person. Have you thought about/tried joining groups? I'm wondering if you'd fare better in group settings rather than on a more one-to-one level.

Angeldelight50 · 30/01/2023 20:03

Agree with PP, people are shite. I don’t have many friends, just acquaintances. Even my mum think it’s strange that I don’t keep up with friends, but it’s not for the want of trying! I get so bloody fed up of last minute excuses (that are so obviously made up) that I’d rather just sod them off than keep setting myself up for disappointments.

Original poster
Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 20:05

Thank you, I try to be nice but lately my patience with people is wearing thin. This new friend has made me doubt myself completely.

I have a hobby twice a week but it's all I really have time for and it not something where everyone makes friends, it's literally a class and then go home again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 20:06

I really do hear you @@Angeldelight50

Why do I never meet people who actually value friendships IRL?

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 30/01/2023 20:11

I'll admit here quietly that I am a shit friend. Life is so busy that friendships are the first things to suffer. If I spend a moment on a friend that is a moment away from one of my children or something not getting done.
You sound like a great friend though. I don't deserve friends like you and neither do most of your friends really.

Original poster
Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 20:15

I am generally a really understanding person so if people are busy I get it. I'm busy too but I go out of my way to help and get told by many I'm a good listener etc. But I'm just not the one people ever want to do things with. I dont even complain about this stuff, this is first time I've got it off my chest.

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/01/2023 20:24

I think you need to move the goalposts and reframe some stuff in your head. Instead of pursuing friendships I would think of everyone as aquaintances. So your goal would be to move them into the good aquaintances category in your head. These people are basically nice, good company, maybe have interests in common. Do one favour for them, but don't do any more until they do something for you. You don't have to offer to do something for anyone. If someone has been in the good aquaintance category the you can think about upgrading them to friend. It is ok to downgrade people too.

Also it's ok to assign a role to a someone. I have a high culture friend. If I want to go to the ballet, exhibition whatever with someone I call him. You can't get everything you need from one person.

ssd · 30/01/2023 20:29

I think the problem is the op wants real genuine friends, not acquaintances. And they are hard to make, they usually built up over time.
Its just difficult, it really is.

Original poster
Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 20:33

You've hit the nail on the head ssd. I give people my time and still nothing builds up and many of my other friends have moved out of the shithole town I live in.

OP posts:
Cabella · 30/01/2023 20:33

OP, I hear you ! You sound like a people person, who gives the best of herself and it's disappointing to say the least when people take you for granted.
The philosopher Jean Paul Sartre wrote "Hell is other people".

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 20:57

Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 19:55

I'm having a whinge and right good old moan. Prepared to be told to give my head a wobble but I'm just so fucking sick of people, I honestly dont understand them.

I like to think I'm a decent, nice person who goes out of my way to help someone in need and I honestly just feel like I get shat on/side lined all the fucking time. Have done my whole fucking life. I'm 37 and can count the number of friends I have on one hand. Everyone else I know are either family members, work colleagues or acquaintances.

I had a best friend at school, let's call her A. When I went to college I met B. A didnt go to my college. Through the weird and wonderful tapestry of life A and B ended up being friends. Suffice to say when I was 18 I got ditched by them.

Fast forward to a few years ago (when I was pregnant) and A started to invite me to things as our paths crossed again (both have children). I ended up making friends with A's friends and even met up with B again. I felt happy to have a friendship group of sorts again after resigning myself to mum life.

A few years pass and I was invited to B's wedding reception. I went on my own as was single at the time. I only really knew A and B out of everyone there so felt awkward, really out of place. Since then and then the pandemic I dont hear from either of them. So this was 2019-2020. I have asked A to meet up since the pandemic and we have got together once in that time and honestly it's me doing the asking every single time. When covid struck i messaged A every now and again to check in, make sure she was ok, was sympathetic to her struggles. Since the world has opened back up I've heard nothing from her unless I ask her. So I've fucked the whole thing off. It hurts too much seeing them having fun together with their little clique on Facebook etc when they no longer include me. Again. So I've unfriended. Sad I know.

Okay so... my best mate who has been my best friend since our early 20s has now got a new partner so she has little time for me anymore. I get it. She's busy and wanting to spend her spare time with her new gf outside of work and studying for her degree. But I do feel like I've been fucking sidelined again. We are genuinely very close but obviously less so now.

I made a new friend last year. She confided loads of deeply personal stuff in me from the get go, and as such I was there to support her, lend an ear, and had her son come over when she needed time to herself, lend stuff to, I buy her stuff from the shops if I'm going anyway, etc but even she is flaky as fuck. She will say stuff like "we'll do something on such a date" and it never transpires. She cancels on me all the time when we make plans, says she will message or call me but doesnt, she "forgets" or theres always some drama going on in her life. She calls me up when shit hits the fan and she needs someone to offload on.

The tipping point for me was that she said she would have my son over for a sleepover at her house at the weekend (this was last week) then just never mentioned it since at all, until I took my sons party invite round to hers for her son yesterday. Her daughter answered the door so I didnt even see my friend in person. Then later on my friend texted "daughter said you'd popped round, sorry i was meant to have your son here but I'm at my sisters with a family situation going on".

This was Sunday so any thoughts of her having my child stop over at her house on friday or Saturday night had well and truly gone out the window. Likely she "forgot". I wouldnt mind but you'd think youd text about it in the week. To avoid saying what I was really thinking, I text back saying "no problem, I was just dropping an invite round for DS birthday on date at place."

She has read my text but not said thanks, or even that her son would like to come or not. She just doesn't communicate fuck all. I'm not trying to sound harsh but if it was me I'd reply with a thanks and even just a "I'll let you know nearer the time" if I couldn't say for definite.

I've come to the conclusion that friends are overrated and just a bit wank really. People are flaky fuckers and what I wouldnt dream of doing to people (conveniently forgetting about them for one) people have no qualms in doing it to me even though I always always try and be helpful, supportive, friendly, open etc.

If you got this far, thanks. I'm just sick of having the piss taken out if me as the good old dependable one who does a lot for people and gets fuck all back.

It's like ya read my mind, so fed up only being good enough soon of the time or when they have nothing better to do, don't hear from them otherwise, I have withdrawn, no longer message and have no intention of. If I.aint good enough all the time they ain't good enough any of the time

TheBigWangTheory · 30/01/2023 21:03

You sound...intense.

Most of us value friendships, but we're not so arsey and needy about it.

Original poster
Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 21:16

TheBigWangTheory · 30/01/2023 21:03

You sound...intense.

Most of us value friendships, but we're not so arsey and needy about it.

Well good for you, maybe people dont shit on you though?

Its not needy to give a shit about other people last time I checked. It's just shitty when they dont give anything in return, not even a simple reply to a text message.

Next time someone burdens me with their woes and troubles I'll just glaze over with boredom in future. Noted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisbullshit · 30/01/2023 21:23

That's how I starting to feel @CrazyLadie. Cba with human connection anymore. People are just too flaky and superficial.

OP posts:
MassimoMaxamara · 30/01/2023 21:32

Hi OP I really could have written your original post myself. Feel much the same that people aren't worth the effort! Either there is a jealousy of you or suspicion if you are a happy go lucky type or real friendships don't seem to get off the groun. I moved to a new city a few years ago and it has been so very hard finding new friends. I have given up. And am happier for it tbh, too many disappointments the other way or doing things for others they would never do for you.

MassimoMaxamara · 30/01/2023 21:33

It might sound radical but I have found God in my loneliness! That has made me happy on the inside.

Oneliner · 30/01/2023 22:08

People have different needs when it comes to friendship. Set out what you want when you meet a new friend.

Nottodaysausage · 30/01/2023 22:14

Try to avoid building friendships with women who unload and go on about all their burdens would be my advice. The next time someone nice asks you a question or recalls a detail about you from last convo etc- give them a little plus point next to their name. Those are the women who are kind and make good friends.
Tbh though, I have friends who I care very very much about, but don't manage to see them socially more than once per month with a small scattering of texts in-between. Maybe you need something to do in the evenings to stop feeling lonely?

Littlepaws18 · 30/01/2023 22:26

I've come to realise that I don't actually like most humans and friends are far more hassle than they are worth. I would love to have a group of close friends like the Big Bang theory or friends tv show- but I don't know anyone who has that kind of life.

Throughout life I've found friends to be domineering, tactless, toxic, lacking shared interests, values. And I'm not the perfect friend- I'm unreliable, can say stupid thoughtless things and if it gets too stressful I have walked away.

I've come to the conclusion that happiness is my family, my husband, my extended family, my hobbies, my dog, my one close friend (who I see sporadically). I love the little world I created I don't feel like I'm missing out or lacking anything. I suppose my only Achilles heal if any of these people leave my life I'd be pretty screwed, but then there's always lots of cats as an option and maybe a cabin in the woods.

summerpoolandsun · 30/01/2023 22:45

Yeah I agree OP

Been let down a lot by friends and even relatives. The only people who have never let me down are my inner circle of family and one very long standing friend.

In general most people only care about themselves.

Godislaughingatme · 31/01/2023 21:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ssd · 01/02/2023 10:14

TheBigWangTheory · 30/01/2023 21:03

You sound...intense.

Most of us value friendships, but we're not so arsey and needy about it.

What a nasty post