AIBU to be feeling so depressed by my life right now?

[Lowrightnow]

I have two absolutely beautiful children. I love them so much and they have so many wonderful qualities, but for quite some time now, day to day life is just so difficult and it’s getting me really down.

My youngest is 6, she has such a huge personality. She is always on the go and there is never a moment where she’s not creating something. Unfortunately, she is also very turbulent. Her emotions are huge and she just can’t get a handle on them at times. She’s great at school but such hard work at home. She just wants to spend her life doing things her way, and if anyone gets in the way of that, she explodes. My eldest is 9. She is basically going through a phase which feels like it’s become the new normal. She low level bickers with absolutely everything I say, and then there will be at least one monumental argument a day. I stay pretty calm with both kids, but do explain to them how their behaviour impacts on our family. I also talk to them about their feelings and support them through anything that could trigger the behaviours, but it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference. I try not to argue with my eldest but I draw the line at getting shouted at by her. It’s absolutely unacceptable.

Bedtime is also a huge battle every single day. For no apparent reason! Putting pyjamas on takes 20 minutes. Brushing teeth is a similar situation. They pull out so many toys/craft things in the day and then complain relentlessly (the youngest cries) when I ask them to tidy anything. They end up in bed late, then the cycle repeats itself. I have tried giving them tick lists of their jobs. I have tried giving them a small treat once a week for being in bed on time. I have tried so many things but nothing works for long. I am just completely drained.

I love my kids so much and I’m just sad that I’m not giving them the happy childhood they deserve. Our family home just doesn’t feel like a happy one at the moment and I have no idea how to fix it. 😢😢

Are you a single parent?

Im not a single parent, but my husband works away from home a lot.

I love my kids so much and I’m just sad that I’m not giving them the happy childhood they deserve

I would hazard a guess they are happy. You can only parent the kids you get and they sound like normal 6 and 9 yo. Parenting is a really tough gig and I think we are sold the idea it gets easier, but I don’t necessarily thing it does. Kindly, I think you are projecting because you are unhappy, not them. What else have you got going on in your life other than them?

what bedtime do they have?

Sounds tough OP and it’s ok to be struggling in what looks like a perfect life to the outside world. Do you think you might be struggling with depression? Or was this post not meant to be this deep. If yes, it might be worth doing a vitaminds self referral and being assessed (you can do this online).

Would a sleep consultant help tweak your bedtime routine? It sounds like that’s the source of a lot of tension for you.

@VivaVivaa thanks for your reply. I had a pretty bad childhood so my biggest goal in life is to make sure my kids are happy. I’m in a good place now as I’ve done lots of counselling. I just feel like I’m somehow getting parenting wrong since every day is so tough.

My kids share a bedroom. DD6 is meant to go to bed at 7.45, asleep at 8. DD9 then goes to bed about 8.20 (once youngest is asleep). When it happens like this, it works brilliantly. Only problem is, it’s so rare. Usually there’s drama after drama resulting in them both going to sleep much later.

Oh trust me, they're happy. Fuss enough and no tidying up, mess around getting pj's on and they get to go to bed later.....of course they are happy, they have got you right where they want you OP!
Instead of giving them treats for good behaviour (nothing amazing really about tidying toys away and going to bed on time) I would be stopping something they like at their ages. So for example if they go to dance on a Saturday I would explain the weekend before that I expect them in bed for 8pm and if they are late then dance isn't happening.
I bet you only have to miss one of the things they enjoy before they realise you mean what you say.
You are the parent OP and you are letting them walk all over you.

@LyingDogsLie1 I have previously suffered from anxiety and depression but I’m in a much better place now than I used to be. I probably shouldn’t have used the word depressed in my thread title. Apologies for that. But I am really down about it. It’s just so draining for all of us.

Really good advice and I was going to add could you re-decorate their bedroom nicely in a style of their choosing and call it a young ladies room. They could choose their own bed linen and bedside lamps . And maybe move the bedtime back a bit to 9?

I had a pretty bad childhood so my biggest goal in life is to make sure my kids are happy

I hear you - it’s tough when you don’t want history to repeat itself. But, your job isn’t to ensure your kids are happy 100% of the time. That way madness lies - both for you (burnout, perfectionism, as you seem to be alluding to here) and them (an unspoken pressure that happiness is the only option). Your job is to raise them and that will often mean making them unhappy if they don’t like the boundaries you are setting. You matter to, and having kids that are happy 100% of the time is neither achievable or desirable.

Thanks @PurelyOrnamental. I struggle with this with my youngest. She goes to after school clubs but would happily not go to any of them. The only thing I could do would be to take all of her craft things away, but as long as she has a pencil and paper she’s happy. It would feel cruel to take that away from a 6 year old.

Your children don't sound unhappy, it sounds like they are just pushing boundaries. For bedtime tell them yous have to start the bedtime routine earlier, so say half an hour earlier you start clean up and explain to them why, if they are still late for bed then tell them you will keep adding on half an hour each night until they can get to bed on time, they will soon get the message. Do your kids go to any after school clubs? I think you 6 year old especially would benefit from something like gymnastics etc to help her burn off some energy.

She goes to after school clubs but would happily not go to any of them

Then why do you send her? She already sounds quite disregulated with her huge emotional out issue and difficult bedtimes. Maybe she’s trying to tell you that a bit of time at home with her craft stuff is enough?

*out issues = outbursts

I think your kids are happy - but sounds like you’re not. They are really pushing boundaries and I think you need to be stricter with them. Maybe some more active things would help, so they are naturally tireder at bed time?

The children are testing boundaries with you. Stick to an agreed bedtime, tell them a story and then lights out. No more talking, or getting out of bed.

Agree with the majority that say it sounds like totally normal boundary pushing. We have a 9 year old who argues about pretty much everything and can take 20 mins to put her pants on!!! Very frustrating.
Start bedtime earlier. We have used a timer to show how much time they have to get ready for bed. If they take too long it comes off story time. Room tidy - set clear expectations e.g when you get changed clothes must be put away etc. Can be linked to rewards chart. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up about it. For us it’s a continuous working progress!

@VivaVivaa i know what you mean. Last year, I only sent her to rainbows. This year (she’s in Year 2), she does rainbows and then gymnastics twice a week. She loves it when she’s there but complains about going. Her brain is basically overflowing with creative ideas constantly so she never wants to do anything to go anywhere because she’d rather create stuff. I do make sure she has plenty of time to be at home, but it’s a balance.

@Lowrightnow it's really hard, I understand perfectly about the rough childhood and the feeling of wanting them to have everything you never had (been there!).
Sometimes a bit of tough love is as necessary as all of the pampering we give them.
In five years time when your children are 14 & 11 it will be too late to expect them to respect your rules as they never had to previously, you do not want a 14 year old walking all over you and her sister following in her footsteps.
Why would you feel cruel temporarily taking a pencil and paper away from a misbehaving child? Especially if it is explained to her that all she has to do is go to bed on time to get it back?
They have no problem manipulating your weaknesses OP, and evening without a pencil and paper is not a form of torture!

I have the rule for my similar aged girls that they have to tidy up their bedroom each night before bed otherwise we won't have time for a story. I would say perhaps once every two weeks they miss the story at most as they always want a story. Have you got something like this you could negotiate with them?

Also perhaps start bedtime a little earlier?

I put both girls to bed at the same time (3 year old at 7:30) and the elder (9) can read in bed with little light on till 8 then lights off. Sometimes 3 year old will listen to a tonie in bed also if she's been really good and gets to stay up till 8.

I learnt this from my older boys who shared as they were a nightmare and always mucked around, would wait for the other one to come up etc.

I don’t think punishment is as effective as positive reward, pretty sure all the research agrees. Do you use star charts? My 6 year old wouldn’t go to sleep at 7:45, it’s too early for her. Are they getting the right amount of sleep?

OP you sound like a lovely mum, I’m sure your kids are happy. I’m a single dad to a five year old and there are constant battles over getting dressed. She isn’t too bad at teeth brushing but getting her to sleep is hard. I’ve ended up moving bedtime back to 8:30ish because I was spending so much time trying to get her to sleep it was making me angry with her. She wasn’t even messing about a lot, just not falling asleep for ages. She just doesn’t seem to need as much sleep as all the advice tells you five year olds need.

I’m sorry it’s so difficult.
Could you try them going to bed at the same time? It sounds very disruptive to have one go to bed at 7:45 and one at 8:20 in the same bedroom. The three of you could sit on one bed and read a story. The two of them could talk quietly to each other until they fall asleep.

On the getting ready for bed, they may be more amenable if doing it together. Just sort of shepherd them through it, let them choose PJs or teeth first.

On the arguments, what do you and your eldest argue about? You say you have a monumental argument every day…that’s a bit much.

On your youngest only wanting to do craft things, why not have her after school activities be creative? Such as art or Legos or drama?

On emotions exploding at home, that’s not so bad. Home is a safe space where children can vent and so they show their emotions more freely. It’s good to listen to them, validate feelings, help them name their emotions and give them guidance. But don’t be afraid of explosions of anger or crying, some of it is pent up from school and being healthily released at home.

For 6 & 9yr olds, I didn’t expect them to tidy alone. We always tidied up together with them doing their fair share. It wasn’t until 12 that they took over having to tidy up on their own and keep their rooms tidy.

I have issues with children being labelled as “manipulative” of “weaknesses”. OP is not weak by refusing to use punishments that deliberately hurt her child. Taking away the thing they love the most is cruel imho. They’re old enough to talk with and negotiate a better way to do bedtime. Just imposing your will on them is the short, easy and brutal way to parent.