AIBU to be feeling so depressed by my life right now?

[Lowrightnow]

I have two absolutely beautiful children. I love them so much and they have so many wonderful qualities, but for quite some time now, day to day life is just so difficult and it’s getting me really down.

My youngest is 6, she has such a huge personality. She is always on the go and there is never a moment where she’s not creating something. Unfortunately, she is also very turbulent. Her emotions are huge and she just can’t get a handle on them at times. She’s great at school but such hard work at home. She just wants to spend her life doing things her way, and if anyone gets in the way of that, she explodes. My eldest is 9. She is basically going through a phase which feels like it’s become the new normal. She low level bickers with absolutely everything I say, and then there will be at least one monumental argument a day. I stay pretty calm with both kids, but do explain to them how their behaviour impacts on our family. I also talk to them about their feelings and support them through anything that could trigger the behaviours, but it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference. I try not to argue with my eldest but I draw the line at getting shouted at by her. It’s absolutely unacceptable.

Bedtime is also a huge battle every single day. For no apparent reason! Putting pyjamas on takes 20 minutes. Brushing teeth is a similar situation. They pull out so many toys/craft things in the day and then complain relentlessly (the youngest cries) when I ask them to tidy anything. They end up in bed late, then the cycle repeats itself. I have tried giving them tick lists of their jobs. I have tried giving them a small treat once a week for being in bed on time. I have tried so many things but nothing works for long. I am just completely drained.

I love my kids so much and I’m just sad that I’m not giving them the happy childhood they deserve. Our family home just doesn’t feel like a happy one at the moment and I have no idea how to fix it. 😢😢

@Onnabugeisha fair enough, you do it your way and I'll do it my way.
I have plenty of memories of manipulating my parents at 9 years old, especially if I wanted something they didn't want to give me (rarely worked but I tried!)
I have two much older, happy, healthy children that haven't been traumatised by me taking a toy away if they were repeatedly and deliberately not doing what they had been asked nicely to do.

Thank you, please extend same courtesy to the OP that she can parent her way as well. I do want to point out it’s not “a toy” you are advising be taken away, but the child’s most loved and favourite toy. There is a difference.

@Onnabugeisha they used to go to bed at the same time but they were falling out with one another. Bickering over lamps being off/on etc. Youngest was up and down like a yo-yo, constantly out of bed to tell on her sister. We changed to this routine and when it’s adhered to, the youngest is asleep before the eldest goes through. She literally falls asleep in seconds once she’s popped her sleep mask on. She is one of these kids that really needs her sleep and is still known to go for the odd nap, so her bedtime is definitely not too early. If she’s in a cooperative mood, she’s asleep really quickly. I always have to wake both girls for school, even if they fall asleep at the earlier, agreed bedtimes.

The key to ‘happy’, well regulated kids is very simple actually. It is to set reasonable age-appropriate boundaries and enforce them. Children need to know that adults are in charge so that they can relax, play and grow in a safe way.

Life inside the boundaries is sunshine and happy days for everyone. Anything outside of the boundaries (which they will
inevitably test like all kids) is their own choice but they know it will lead to sanctions and disappointed and unhappy parents. Their choice. But you have to be strong in enforcing that. Not appeasing or negotiating. Be the parent not the friend.

You also need to involve their dad. Just because he ‘works away’ doesn’t mean he doesn’t communicate with them surely? He needs to be supporting you by positive reinforcement ‘hope you’re listening to mummy and being good girls? That’s wonderful.’ Etc.

@Onnabugeisha are you on something, I haven't been rude to the OP or demanded she did anything.

I think you’re being pushy. You told OP to use a stick instead of a carrot and to take away things they like. OP said thanks for the advice but she thought it would be cruel to take away her youngest pencil and paper. Then you posted a “why would you think it’s cruel?” With a long post about kids being “manipulative” and knowing OP’s “weaknesses” and warning her that in “five years time” her 14yr old would be “walking all over” her. I know you prefer the stick & punishing to get your way with your DC, but not all parents agree and we (OP included) are not doormats.

That makes sense now you’ve explained their bickering that you put them to bed separately. So I agree with you that’s not an issue then. I didn’t think bedtime was too early, btw. It’s about the average time DC that age need to go to bed.

Does bedtime include any stories or songs or anything other than PJs, teeth and tucked in? I found having a bit of parental attention helped speed up the PJs/teeth as they had something to look forward to as part of bedtime. Maybe it could be your youngest showing you her portfolio of drawings and telling you about them? Think of a 5-10min quiet activity you or dad can do with them each? It might help.

@Onnabugeisha clearly you are the only one with any advice OP should listen too. I am happy to bow out of this thread.