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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DS extra money

29 replies

Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 19:38

My 4 year old DS was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness. Not life threatening but needs closely managed and means that he qualifies for disability allowance. This is quite a lot of money every month and as we are in the very fortunate position of not needing it to live, we will be putting it into an ISA for him every month. When he turns 18 this could be worth a lot of money. He has an older brother and sister who I can’t afford to put money away for like this and I’m worried that when the time comes for the ISA to be transferred into DS’s name, this will cause problems with jealousy and resentment. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or have any advice or have any advice on how to minimise any bad feeling or favouritism?

OP posts:
knobheadinlaws · 30/01/2023 19:43

If you don't need it to live I'd be saving it and splitting it 3 ways

JADS · 30/01/2023 19:43

Is your ds likely to need benefits when he hits 18? You might want to think carefully about putting so much money away in his name.

EveryoneLovesSausageAndChips · 30/01/2023 19:44

Both of the above ^

Hellocatshome · 30/01/2023 19:44

Will he need the money more in the future I.e to fund adaptations/carers etc or because he is limited in what he can do for work etc? If so just explain it to them that way they should understand.

If not then I would be tempted to keep it in an account in my own name and spend it on all the kids as and when they need it i.e help with house deposits/first car etc.and it might still be that more needs to be spent to help him than the others.

Although I'm sure that is not what it is intended for.

ToastAndButler · 30/01/2023 19:45

I would save it on your own name and make a decision about how to share it when you get to that point. You don't know at the moment what your DS's future needs will be, and it avoids the risk that your kids spend it all on wine, women and song when they hit 18.

TeamHerbivore · 30/01/2023 19:45

Do you really think they will feel resentful or jealous? They will surely be aware of his illness and be pleased their sibling has this money to help him.

WeAreAllLionesses · 30/01/2023 19:46

You can't turn round to your three children in 15 years and say DC1 here's £xx; DC2 here's £xx; DC3 here's £xxxxxx!

Original poster
Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 19:50

He might need it for treatment in the future.

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 30/01/2023 19:58

Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 19:50

He might need it for treatment in the future.

I'm which case OP I think the answer is fairly straight forward. Put it all to one side but not in any of the kids names, and then weigh up what to do with it if/when the situation becomes clearer. If it doesn't then there's no harm in keeping hold of it until he's grown up and the lay of the land is more obvious. Then you can split it between them if you wish.

Then.. assuming at some point you will be in a position to save money for the kids, then save that equally among the three as a completely different thing to saving the disability benefits.

Original poster
Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 20:04

Jimboscott0115 · 30/01/2023 19:58

I'm which case OP I think the answer is fairly straight forward. Put it all to one side but not in any of the kids names, and then weigh up what to do with it if/when the situation becomes clearer. If it doesn't then there's no harm in keeping hold of it until he's grown up and the lay of the land is more obvious. Then you can split it between them if you wish.

Then.. assuming at some point you will be in a position to save money for the kids, then save that equally among the three as a completely different thing to saving the disability benefits.

Show quote history

Thanks Jimbo I think that’s the best option 😀

OP posts:
Lmox · 30/01/2023 20:05

I can speak from personal experience. My youngest sister was diagnosed with a chronic illness aged 10. She was very sick and in hospital for a long time. She qualified for DLA. My mother put this into a savings account for her and when she was 18 it paid for a car and driving lessons. Myself and my other sister received nothing like this.

Honestly …

We’ve thought twice about it. We love our little sister to bits and she deserves every penny of that money for what she’s gone through. If your kids have the same bond, there will be no resentment there.

lailamaria · 30/01/2023 20:12

i disagree completely, that money is his, yes he's underage now and your in a position where you're not forced to use it but it's his body that's gonna suffer as he grows up and that money is meant for him, i don't think you should save it and split it, they're from what i assume perfectly healthy and able bodied, it's his money to use on accommodations and suchlike it is not inheritance

Original poster
Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 20:18

I Aila Mara that’s really helpful, thank you

OP posts:
Cileymyrus · 30/01/2023 20:19

Frame it another way.

your dc receives DLA. That his for is current and ongoing care.

this frees up the money that you would have spent on his care, which you say you don’t need to live.

so you have a spare chunk of cash you can invest for all 3.

the way you are putting it it means ds gets the money twice- now because you’re spending what dla is supposed to be used for from your own money, and again in future because you’re giving him what you should have spent on him again.

x2boys · 30/01/2023 20:20

Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 19:38

My 4 year old DS was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness. Not life threatening but needs closely managed and means that he qualifies for disability allowance. This is quite a lot of money every month and as we are in the very fortunate position of not needing it to live, we will be putting it into an ISA for him every month. When he turns 18 this could be worth a lot of money. He has an older brother and sister who I can’t afford to put money away for like this and I’m worried that when the time comes for the ISA to be transferred into DS’s name, this will cause problems with jealousy and resentment. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or have any advice or have any advice on how to minimise any bad feeling or favouritism?

You need to look into.saving it all.because should he ever need too claim
ESA,for example as an adult if he had significant savings it would affect that
DLA,is supposed to be used for the everyday reasons why caring for a child with disabilities is more expensive and you can spend it on whatever you want as long as it benefits the child ,I'm just warning you that saving it all up.can be a hindrance later on .

IhearyouClemFandango · 30/01/2023 20:23

Cileymyrus · 30/01/2023 20:19

Frame it another way.

your dc receives DLA. That his for is current and ongoing care.

this frees up the money that you would have spent on his care, which you say you don’t need to live.

so you have a spare chunk of cash you can invest for all 3.

the way you are putting it it means ds gets the money twice- now because you’re spending what dla is supposed to be used for from your own money, and again in future because you’re giving him what you should have spent on him again.

This. You say his needs cost money, but that you can't afford to save for the others. Therefore, the money you are spending on his needs is the DLA in all but name, so any savings should be generic or for all 3.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/01/2023 20:28

Treat the children equally. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 20:30

His needs don’t cost me any money day to day, it’s all covered by the NHS. However in future,treatment options may improve and he may not be eligible for them which is what already happens if you don’t meet certain criteria. As he gets older he won’t meet all the criteria hence why I want the money kept for him. Or even better a cure might be found- I would like him to have money to pay for it if need be. However I can see other posters views that handing one child what could be a lot of money would be hurtful to the others.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 30/01/2023 20:30

I wouldn't lock it all away in ISA incase he needs the money before 18. Its expensive having a disability especially more so in teen years

Floralnomad · 30/01/2023 20:34

Does his illness in any way affect your other children ie they miss out on days out , lose out on some time with you in favour of their brother etc if so then I feel they are also entitled to a bit of the money .

Eyerollcentral · 30/01/2023 20:34

It’s your son’s money because of his condition. If your other children’s noses could be put out of joint about this your focus should be on educating your non-disabled children on their unbelievable luck in having no disabilities, not making financial accommodation for them out of his money

Hellocatshome · 30/01/2023 20:38

Blastoff50 · 30/01/2023 20:30

His needs don’t cost me any money day to day, it’s all covered by the NHS. However in future,treatment options may improve and he may not be eligible for them which is what already happens if you don’t meet certain criteria. As he gets older he won’t meet all the criteria hence why I want the money kept for him. Or even better a cure might be found- I would like him to have money to pay for it if need be. However I can see other posters views that handing one child what could be a lot of money would be hurtful to the others.

In light of your updates, I would keep to one side but in an account in your name. You never know what an 18 year old might decide to spend it on and then there might be none left for whatever treatment he needs. Also if the savings aren't in his name they cant affect any benefit claims he makes as an adult.

gazpachosoupday · 30/01/2023 20:43

TBH if he is likely to have to claim PIP or benefits or a regular occasion, I would keep it for those times if he gets turned down and has to survive on very little

newyearsamesh1t · 30/01/2023 20:53

I would keep it for him. DLA is for him and is not something 'extra' you have given him, it is money intended for him, provided by the government. Maybe start putting the child benefit in accounts for siblings?

caringcarer · 30/01/2023 21:03

DLA is the benefit your 4 year old is entitled too for his disability. Therefore you can't take money that belongs to him to share between other children. Put anything you don't spend on him in an account in your name for when he needs it later. Foster son gets PIP for severe learning disability I make sure I spend it on anything he wants or needs then save the rest until he is older.

My sister's 2 children were given premium bonds by their grandparents when they were born. One child won £5k. She was very tempted to share it between the 2 children but in the end she spoke to grandparent still alive and asked them what she should do. They said it belongs to whichever child won it.

I think similar dilemma. In the end your disabled child may have a harder life.

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