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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate splitting bills at restaurants?

446 replies

AtticusFrost · 30/01/2023 16:21

We socialise a fair bit but do not have a high income. We do this by being careful about how we spend our money. So I absolutely hate it if in a restaurant at the end of the night someone says forcefully we should just split the bill.
No! I know it is easier. But myself and DH have chosen cheaper options so we can afford this. And it always people who have spent loads who say this.

OP posts:
Isabelle70 · 30/01/2023 20:30

When we have a girls meal out, one of the group will pay and then message everyone with how much each owes as per the spreadsheet. It works for us as no awkwardness at the table as not everyone will have the same value of meal. She also includes the tip so the staff get treated fairly as sometimes people seem to forget to tip...

SillySausage81 · 30/01/2023 20:31

WimpoleHat · 30/01/2023 20:18

Well if you have soft drinks and a pizza each and they have bottle of red wine, steak, a pudding and coffees….

But that’s my point - in my experience, people don’t do this with friends. There’s a discussion- “are we having starters? Are we just doing pizzas or the main menu? Shall we have wine?”. So, sure, someone might have a coffee which someone else doesn’t, but it’s not worth making a song and dance about. It’s usually a few quod either way.

Well that's just your experience isn't it, it's not the same for everyone. I have MANY times been in situations where some people want starters and others don't, some get wine, others don't, some people order two or three sides each. Most people just order whatever they want, that's one of the perks of eating at a restaurant. And the difference can add up to the sort of money that the less-well-off friends just can't afford, even if it is "only" 7 or 8 quid. (And if you think that's an insignificant amount then you should just be counting your blessings tbh). And especially if it's the same people every time who are pushing the boat out and the same ones who are trying to be frugal, it can add up to a lot over time.

WFHbore2023 · 30/01/2023 20:33

A lot of you honestly need to review your social circle

RampantIvy · 30/01/2023 20:37

A lot of you honestly need to review your social circle

I agree.

Blagdoon · 30/01/2023 20:40

I remember one horrible occasion when I went out for a birthday dinner. I only knew the birthday girl, she was my neighbour, and her other friends clearly had money to spend. I should have established up front that I had no money but I was young and had never been out for a meal with a group of friends before. I only had £10 so I just had pasta and a glass of tap water. Then at the end they wanted to split and they asked me for £30.

I felt awful saying I only had £10. Then they kicked off saying I shouldn’t have come if I only had £10, yelling that everyone would have to pay more because of me. I felt so humiliated. I put my £10 on the table and left, and didn’t see them ever again.

AbcXyz123456 · 30/01/2023 20:40

WFHbore2023 · 30/01/2023 20:33

A lot of you honestly need to review your social circle

100%

Blagdoon · 30/01/2023 20:45

I just don't get this if I've had a salad and diet coke and the steak eating red wine guzzler says let's just split it you can just say no sorry that doesn't work for me here's £20
These type of CFs usually get angry and shouty when you do that though.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 30/01/2023 20:46

Tontostitis · 30/01/2023 20:08

I just don't get this if I've had a salad and diet coke and the steak eating red wine guzzler says let's just split it you can just say no sorry that doesn't work for me here's £20. Generally with my friends drinkers offer to pay more. I do think though non drinkers sometimes dont realise how much soft drinks can be. I have one friend who always has 3 courses and two or three soft drinks that will probably be more than my starter salad and one white wine.

Because the steak eating red wine guzzler tries to make out those that want to pay their own way are cheapskates. People feel embarrassed and pay.

They're not the ones that should be embarrassed.

DuesToTheDirt · 30/01/2023 20:55

Blagdoon · 30/01/2023 20:40

I remember one horrible occasion when I went out for a birthday dinner. I only knew the birthday girl, she was my neighbour, and her other friends clearly had money to spend. I should have established up front that I had no money but I was young and had never been out for a meal with a group of friends before. I only had £10 so I just had pasta and a glass of tap water. Then at the end they wanted to split and they asked me for £30.

I felt awful saying I only had £10. Then they kicked off saying I shouldn’t have come if I only had £10, yelling that everyone would have to pay more because of me. I felt so humiliated. I put my £10 on the table and left, and didn’t see them ever again.

How nasty. And could they not do maths? They weren't paying "more" because of you, they were just paying for what they'd consumed!

BiasedBinding · 30/01/2023 20:56

The steak eating red wine guzzlers that I go out with don’t behave like that. I completely believe that some do, but I am lucky enough never to have been out for dinner with them.

with the people I know, unless everyone has eaten/drunk a fairly even amount, those who have eaten/drunk more expensively insist on splitting the bill by who consumed what, and the people who have eaten/drunk less expensively try to insist on splitting equally, but are overruled

rattlinbog · 30/01/2023 21:07

I agree. I'm on a tight budget and have a friend who will merrily order every cocktail, starter, side going then happily suggest we split the bill. When we went on holiday I downloaded splitwise and scanned all the receipts. It automatically allocated each item to each person and worked brilliantly.

WimpoleHat · 30/01/2023 21:07

Most people just order whatever they want, that's one of the perks of eating at a restaurant

You see, I think the perk of eating in a restaurant with friends (rather than just as a couple) is the shared experience. So - again in my experience (but we’re all talking about our own) - most people go with the flow and the consensus. Eg I probably won’t order a starter if I’m just out with DH as I’d prefer a pudding if I’m not full. But in a group scenario, I might well order one to be sociable. Likewise, I’d think it unusual for one person to order 8 drinks while another only has one. Just different rules for different groups, I suppose.

Pipsquiggle · 30/01/2023 21:07

When I was in my 20s I earned a lot less than my lawyer and accountant mates and we often just paid separately - this was agreed upfront.

Now we just split it as we all tend to spend the same amount, also we all like each other and know it all evens out in end

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/01/2023 21:13

Recently went to a meal where I didn't know everyone well. I had a £21 main course and drank tap water. Another person, who I didn't really know, had an £11 salad, so when the bill came insisted in paying less. BUT, she'd had three cocktails and when I said "but I didn't drink if you want to be like that" she told me I should have drunk cocktails. My £21 main course cost me £38!

Utterly shameless. Why was it your poor planning for not having the expensive drinks that you 'could have' had and getting your money's worth; but it wasn't her poor planning for not having the expensive meal that she 'could have' had?

There are clearly people with a deliberate agenda who will fill their boots, having decided (without insulting anybody else) that the bill will be split; then, (as we've already seen on this thread), they will try to publicly shame the less well-off people for 'not being able to afford to socialise' when they themselves are clearly the ones who can't afford to socialise to the extent they want to, without being subbed by others. "Don't come out if you can't afford to pay for half of my big meal as well as your own".

Actually, that's a bluff, as they rely on poorer/more moderate diners for their big bargain meal. I wonder if some of them even deliberately seek out less well-off acquaintances to eat with, safe in the knowledge that they will thus cut their cloth and so be a perfect mark for subbing theirs, when they demand to split, with a side-order of shaming if you protest. If you also can/will push the boat out as much as they do, there's no saving for them to make.

Fedupwitheveryone · 30/01/2023 21:16

Just reading the thread is making me uncomfortable! Too too many meals out through my youth with friends who all earned lots more than me and ordered wine, bread, olives, nibbles etc for the table and then everyone drank lots (None of them were dicks or doing it to freeload, I was the only one not on similar high salary and they sometimes forgot)

Top - tip I spent years pretending I was doing 'dry january' or similar, because once you have even just one glass of the shared bottles of wine on the table, you are reasonably liable for bill splitting at the end. Avoid!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/01/2023 21:17

*without insulting anybody else

That was obviously meant to be CONsulting, but was actually a Freudian anti-slip!

JaceLancs · 30/01/2023 21:23

I hate bill splitting
went out recently in a sort of family group of 7
Family of 4, couple and a lone older adult
Bill split 3 ways !!!
family of 4 were vastly subsidised and due to ages only one person ordered from child menu

WFHbore2023 · 30/01/2023 21:23

Actually, that's a bluff, as they rely on poorer/more moderate diners for their big bargain meal. I wonder if some of them even deliberately seek out less well-off acquaintances to eat with, safe in the knowledge that they will thus cut their cloth and so be a perfect mark for subbing theirs, when they demand to split, with a side-order of shaming if you protest. If you also can/will push the boat out as much as they do, there's no saving for them to make.

That's the wildest thing I've read in a while.

waterfallswillfindyou · 30/01/2023 21:24

I hate the calculator thing. It takes all the joy out of dining out.

I prefer to split the bill, so I deliberately order food and drink that matches or costs less than what the other people are ordering. I don't mind rounding up my share, but I don't want to cause any bill anxiety for anyone else.

As much as I like fancy restaurants, I think chains like Wetherspoons have the right idea - people just order whatever they fancy and it turns up to their table, already paid for by whoever wanted it. I wish higher-end restaurants did the same thing.

As for things like bottles of wine - if Uber can do a ride split option, why can't restaurants do a drink split option on an ordering app? I feel like there could be a very cool app for that.

Or better yet, they could do an interactive menu. I've seen that done before, where the menu is projected onto your table from above, you order what you like, and it's obvious which diner's bill is whose.

Rather than turn paying for things into a misery, restaurants could make it both fairer and fun. Imagine that.

Tessisme · 30/01/2023 22:14

We were out recently for FIL's birthday and BIL ordered HUGE amounts of food - 2 mains and a whole bunch of sides he ended up forgetting were even his. He always does this and he is always the one who wants to split the bill evenly. Really pisses me off. We were already splitting the cost of FIL's meal (obviously) and it just turned into an amount we hadn't dreamed of spending.

UsingChangeofName · 30/01/2023 22:20

SillySausage81 · 30/01/2023 20:31

Well that's just your experience isn't it, it's not the same for everyone. I have MANY times been in situations where some people want starters and others don't, some get wine, others don't, some people order two or three sides each. Most people just order whatever they want, that's one of the perks of eating at a restaurant. And the difference can add up to the sort of money that the less-well-off friends just can't afford, even if it is "only" 7 or 8 quid. (And if you think that's an insignificant amount then you should just be counting your blessings tbh). And especially if it's the same people every time who are pushing the boat out and the same ones who are trying to be frugal, it can add up to a lot over time.

Show quote history

Exactly.

For all those saying "You need to review your social circle" - do you not ever eat out with people you are connected to by circumstance, rather than just that couple that are your best mates ?

  • you colleagues
  • your partners colleague
  • your sports team, or choir , or other hobby's annual 'do'
  • eating out with your partner's extended family, or even your own extended family
  • being invited out to eat with people you are perhaps still getting to know
UsingChangeofName · 30/01/2023 22:22

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/01/2023 19:30

I do get hacked off at the idea that if I can only afford my food and drink, and have to pay for JUST mine, I should not come out, that coming out and socialising is ONLY for those who can afford to pay for more than what they've had.

Irritatingly, these 'im happy to pay for more than what I have had, you're the miser...' people tend to be those who pay for LESS than they had and are subsidised by me!

I pay for what I've had, unless we're all eating from the '2 for 1' menu and having the same re starter/pud/drinks, and thus the difference is going to be a couple of £ either way, OR its someone I go out with frequently and we take it in turns or it generally evens out.

I would rather socialise on a budget than not socialise at all and whilst its fine for others to NOT want to socialise, out, if it means budgeting hard, thats entirely their choice and not something everyone else should expect of them!

100% agree with this.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/01/2023 22:53

More places should advertise that their POS systems can easily handle split bills at a table.

LimeTwists · 30/01/2023 23:11

YANBU and it’s not so easy in reality to speak up when there’s a whole group of other guests and you’re the only one saying you’re unhappy to do it. I think the best way post-bill if someone announces that it will be split is perhaps to say, ‘oh, we’ve not ordered much food / any alcohol / puddings so it works for us if we just pay for what we had’.

SillySausage81 · 30/01/2023 23:51

You see, I think the perk of eating in a restaurant with friends (rather than just as a couple) is the shared experience. So - again in my experience (but we’re all talking about our own) - most people go with the flow and the consensus. Eg I probably won’t order a starter if I’m just out with DH as I’d prefer a pudding if I’m not full. But in a group scenario, I might well order one to be sociable.

See, I just don't feel like it takes away from the shared experience in any way if I don't get a starter when a couple of other people have because I'd rather save room for dessert.