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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to be called horrible and selfish by my mum

39 replies

Roo747373 · 30/01/2023 11:32

Me and my mum have a really tenuous relationship. I feel we just completely rub each other up the wrong way and don’t understand each other…maybe just a case of a clash of personalities. I want to have a good relationship with her I really do but I have so much resentment for how she treated me as a child and how she still sometimes speaks to me now and the impact I feel that’s having on my own parenting and mental health.

growing up my mum was a single mum which meant I only had one set of opinions and no-one to reign her in if she was being overly harsh or if no doubt she was stressed and needed a break and taking it out on me. She has always been very generous with money and we had expensive trips away every year and lots of toys but she was completely controlling and a bully. If I was complaint she would call me selfish, a bitch, tell me I was horrible to be around, tell I was too sensitive if I cried and also she would ignore me for hours or even the day if I’d done something she didn’t like even if I had apologised.

strangely I didn’t really think she was a bad mum for doing these things until my early 20s because I thought she was like that because I was bad and deserved it! In my 20s I started standing up to her and giving her silent treatment until she did apologise and it did actually work and she started treating me if not with more love than with more respect.

im now mid 30s and have two young children and still struggle with massively insecurity, am a huge people pleaser and put everyone’s feelings above my own. I know you can’t blame everything on your parents but I’m starting to think a lot of this came from my childhood. I feel even now she doesn’t love me, or maybe very conditionally and I assume other people (including even my husband) doesn’t really like me. Rationally I know it’s probably Not true as I have friends but it’s a deep seated feeling I can’t shift.

Today she wanted to look after the kids for a couple of hours (which I was very grateful for). I sent her message to say I’d packed wellies and outdoor suit Incase she wanted to take them out but don’t worry if not and she rang me having a massive go saying I was being controlling and she knows how to look after kids she isn’t stupid etc. i never criticise the way she is with the kids, she’s much nicer to them than she was to me thank god! I suspect she was already in a bad mood about something and blew up at me so I said Is this about something else, whats wrong? She said nothing wrong and that I’m selfish and horrible and ‘nothing is ever good enough’. She just seems to take everything I say as an attack and always gets so defensive about the kids when I’m just giving her handover information like telling her if one of them has had a bad night and might need longer nap etc

i told her today I think it’s unacceptable her calling me names and she said ‘well everyone thinks the way you speak to me is appalling’. She does this a lot - talks about what everyone and ‘others’ say about me and if they do I’m pretty sure it’s because they’ve heard her side of the story as I don’t usually manage to get enough of a word in to be rude to her. I told her telling her I don’t think calling me names is right is not abusive - I am allowed to stand up for myself. She has the kids now but isn’t speaking to me….any break I would have had im now spending really upset

anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mum / parents?! I want us to have a better relationship than this…she lives very close by so see her often wouldn’t be so bad if she lived far away.

OP posts:

BuddhaAtSea · 30/01/2023 11:36

Errrmmm…she sounds unhinged. If you told me you got the wellies ready, I’d go: cheers, good thinking love.

PumpkinDart · 30/01/2023 11:39

Yes umm please stop sending your children there she's toxic and that is not okay.

Ydkiml · 30/01/2023 11:43

She sounds like she’s still bullying you . Using any excuse to put you down . Things will only get worse if you don’t put boundaries in place . Go to the thread on here called well we took you to stately homes , it’s full of situations like this with parents and some amazing people with great advice .

Mischance · 30/01/2023 11:43

No mother should speak to their child in that way. Don't go back for more of the same - a whole childhood of it is entirely sufficient. Keep children away.

Ydkiml · 30/01/2023 11:45

I agree to keep children away . Low contact . She ll manipulate them and use them to get at you . She’s a bully . Probably jealous of you .

Glorianna · 30/01/2023 11:45

I would have cancelled her having the kids. Don't reward her bad behaviour.

Be clear with her that she needs to be civil and respectful or you won't see her.

Original poster

Roo747373 · 30/01/2023 11:46

Honestly with the children it’s like she’s had a personality transplant which I’m pleased about obviously so they have a good relationship but also wish she could be nice to me as she’s obviously capable. My step father is always there too and he’s lovely…when we’ve fallen out before she’s said ‘oh I suppose now I won’t be able to see the kids’ like she thought I would use them against her which I’ve never implied.

OP posts:

Ydkiml · 30/01/2023 11:51

The kids will be better off without her in the long run . As they get older , she will start to criticise you to them . Any parenting you do will be criticised by her and she will use them to get to you . Not worth it . You have ever right to expect respect .

ItsCalledAConversation · 30/01/2023 11:51

I sympathise OP, my mum is also mental in a very similar-sounding way. Same childhood experience (my parents were together but my dad worked away for weeks at a time). Similar adult relationship, eg I told my mum yesterday that I’d be helping a Frieda pack her things to move house, mum started on a rant about oh how nice that must be for my friend, what a long list of things she needs help with, if only she had someone to help her, etc etc. (I regularly ask her if she needs help with anything, she says no. I do immediately the things she asks me to do. She often asks me to do difficult/impossible things.)

Can you access or afford therapy? If so, sign up today.

ItsCalledAConversation · 30/01/2023 11:51

*a friend, not a Frieda!

Flowerfairy101 · 30/01/2023 11:52

My mum isn't exactly like yours in her behaviour but will shout at me and call me names if I disagree with her or challenge her, she is and always has been very controlling. I also grew up with just her influence and felt that her behaviour towards me was my fault, and like you I feel like I'm not a likeable/loveable person despite having lots of friends.
I'm 34 now and starting to get the absolute rage when she shouts at me or calls me names. She called me a 'horrible little girl' recently because I challenged her on trying to interfere yet again with my own child. I think she does it to try and exert power and control over me by putting me back in the role of child and her in the role of adult parent. The only thing I've been able to do is dial back contact with her, as she won't change and it's really no good for my self esteem and mental health.

Flowerfairy101 · 30/01/2023 11:54

And yes as PP say, I would not have her having your children. Does she speak to you like that in front of them? I am prepping for the day my mum undermines me or treats me like a child in front of my own DD and I will be cutting contact if she does this. I'm not having her ruin my experience of parenting like she ruined my childhood.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/01/2023 11:56

Roo747373 · 30/01/2023 11:46

Can’t you see that this is a controlling reaction too? She’s deliberately making you think it’s unacceptable to stop her seeing your dc to protect yourself when that’s exactly what you should be doing. She may behave better around your own dc, but don’t think for one second that they aren’t picking up on how she treats you. You are exposing them to a damaging toxic dynamic and they will grow up thinking that is acceptable. It’s not. Keep the poor kids away until she can behave properly.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2023 11:58

Keep your kids away from her.

user1471592953 · 30/01/2023 12:00

Hi,
Yes, I could have written your first paragraph.

She is massively over sensitive, can’t take criticism and blows up if I ever dare to call her out on things she does that are wrong - and then calls me ungrateful and selfish.
It happens every 2/3 years because mostly I let things go. Last time she told me expected that I’d want a good relationship with her! But the older I get, the less prepared I am to tolerate the next episode…it is just a question of when to draw the line.

FictionalCharacter · 30/01/2023 12:02

Roo747373 · 30/01/2023 11:46

The personality transplant won’t last. When the kids are older she’ll manipulate them. She’ll complain about you to them. Very likely she’ll turn on them and start treating them the same way she treated you. It’s what she does.
I’m afraid a better relationship with her isn’t possible because she won’t change. The only way you’ll feel better is to reduce contact. She’ll be enraged, but she’s already completely horrible to you so it won’t be worse.

billy1966 · 30/01/2023 12:19

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/01/2023 11:56

Show quote history

This.

She wouldn't be near my children.

She has abused you relentlessly and now she is rewarded with your children.

Your children deserve better than this.

Find other childcare and keep them away from her.

She is really awful.

Free childcare is not worth it, even for a few hours.

Original poster

Roo747373 · 30/01/2023 12:22

yes I do wonder if it will change as the kids get older and start to get stronger opinions and identities to challenge her In which case I will definitely stop contact. If I did it now she would explode and there’s another complication, my husband works for her company and his job has been threatened more than once after an argument me and my mum have had unrelated to him!

my husband falls out with me if it blows up with me and my mum has he wants me to keep the peace so his job isn’t threatened. It’s so controlling! My mum is also still very generous with money and gives us a lot but I’m sure she uses it has control - like basically you can’t disagree with me because I’ve given you xyz. I need to stop accepting things from her I know but she gets in a mood if I try to turn things down as well

OP posts:

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 30/01/2023 12:26

god she sounds toxic. To threaten your DH's job?! She is terribly controlling.
I think you need to gradually reduce contact to a bare minimum OP for your own health and sanity.

Orangepolentacake · 30/01/2023 12:48

Your husband wants you to tolerate her treatment of you so his job is safe?

FlowerFlour · 30/01/2023 12:55

What?! Your husband allows you to be abused so he can ride your mum's gravy train? Is there anybody in your life who is actually on your side?

Your mum is a controlling and manipulative cow. Your husband is a user. If he had an ounce of self respect he'd find another job and stop being so enmeshed with your abusive mother.

It looks like your mum has you trapped with money and employing your husband, but you can get out. You don't need her, she is cruel, and she'll turn your children against you if she can. You can't win against people like her, the only option is to cut them out of your life.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2023 12:57

Orangepolentacake · 30/01/2023 12:48

Your husband wants you to tolerate her treatment of you so his job is safe?

Has he been there 2 years?
If she sacks him without following the correct procedures he could take legal action

LookItsMeAgain · 30/01/2023 14:10

BuddhaAtSea · 30/01/2023 11:36

Errrmmm…she sounds unhinged. If you told me you got the wellies ready, I’d go: cheers, good thinking love.

Me too!

I'd love to know who these "others" are that she speaks of? Are they the voices in her head??? (not trying to diminish from anyone who actually has a mental health issue).

I would try as far as possible to stop going back for seconds or thirds of how she treats you. Break the cycle. Drop the rope. Find alternative childcare if you need to.

If you do feel that you're up for it, you should try to find someone to look after your kids and go around and say that you understand that she was trying to do the best as a single parent but so are you. You don't appreciate it when she comes down on you when you're trying to do the best for your children and if she hasn't got anything nice to say, it probably would be best if she didn't do childcare going forwards as you don't want your children to pick up on her moods and anything negative she might have to say about you. You're trying to break the cycle of negativity and this is how you're doing it. Whether she likes it or not, this is what is going to happen.

I sometimes think that if you weren't related by blood to someone, would you actively seek them out to be your friend?

LookItsMeAgain · 30/01/2023 14:13

Oh and in relation to this comment you made @Roo747373 - "when we’ve fallen out before she’s said ‘oh I suppose now I won’t be able to see the kids’ like she thought I would use them against her which I’ve never implied."
think of it this way - you're not using them against her, you are saving them from her toxic ways.

larchforest · 30/01/2023 14:17

Wow, she is a toxic manipulator isn't she? Especially if she is holding your DH's job in her hands, she can blackmail you can't she?

Perhaps he needs to find employment elsewhere. Then you won't be beholden to her any more.

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