For not wanting to be called horrible and selfish by my mum

[Roo747373]

Me and my mum have a really tenuous relationship. I feel we just completely rub each other up the wrong way and don’t understand each other…maybe just a case of a clash of personalities. I want to have a good relationship with her I really do but I have so much resentment for how she treated me as a child and how she still sometimes speaks to me now and the impact I feel that’s having on my own parenting and mental health.

growing up my mum was a single mum which meant I only had one set of opinions and no-one to reign her in if she was being overly harsh or if no doubt she was stressed and needed a break and taking it out on me. She has always been very generous with money and we had expensive trips away every year and lots of toys but she was completely controlling and a bully. If I was complaint she would call me selfish, a bitch, tell me I was horrible to be around, tell I was too sensitive if I cried and also she would ignore me for hours or even the day if I’d done something she didn’t like even if I had apologised.

strangely I didn’t really think she was a bad mum for doing these things until my early 20s because I thought she was like that because I was bad and deserved it! In my 20s I started standing up to her and giving her silent treatment until she did apologise and it did actually work and she started treating me if not with more love than with more respect.

im now mid 30s and have two young children and still struggle with massively insecurity, am a huge people pleaser and put everyone’s feelings above my own. I know you can’t blame everything on your parents but I’m starting to think a lot of this came from my childhood. I feel even now she doesn’t love me, or maybe very conditionally and I assume other people (including even my husband) doesn’t really like me. Rationally I know it’s probably Not true as I have friends but it’s a deep seated feeling I can’t shift.

Today she wanted to look after the kids for a couple of hours (which I was very grateful for). I sent her message to say I’d packed wellies and outdoor suit Incase she wanted to take them out but don’t worry if not and she rang me having a massive go saying I was being controlling and she knows how to look after kids she isn’t stupid etc. i never criticise the way she is with the kids, she’s much nicer to them than she was to me thank god! I suspect she was already in a bad mood about something and blew up at me so I said Is this about something else, whats wrong? She said nothing wrong and that I’m selfish and horrible and ‘nothing is ever good enough’. She just seems to take everything I say as an attack and always gets so defensive about the kids when I’m just giving her handover information like telling her if one of them has had a bad night and might need longer nap etc

i told her today I think it’s unacceptable her calling me names and she said ‘well everyone thinks the way you speak to me is appalling’. She does this a lot - talks about what everyone and ‘others’ say about me and if they do I’m pretty sure it’s because they’ve heard her side of the story as I don’t usually manage to get enough of a word in to be rude to her. I told her telling her I don’t think calling me names is right is not abusive - I am allowed to stand up for myself. She has the kids now but isn’t speaking to me….any break I would have had im now spending really upset

anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mum / parents?! I want us to have a better relationship than this…she lives very close by so see her often wouldn’t be so bad if she lived far away.

Yeah she sounds like my mother. It’s all about wanting to control you. I have an ok relationship with my mother now but mostly because I don’t need her for anything and so she has no leverage. I wouldn’t let her spend a lot of solo time with my kids though in case she starts her emotional abuse with them….

I've got one like that too. I cope now by just having contact when I want to, gritting my teeth and not engaging with the nasty stuff she says. Mine was lovely to my DC when they were little too, but bit by bit her true self came out and she has now even cut off all contact with my DD to the extent of not sending her birthday or Christmas gifts while still phoning to ask me to bring my DS round to see her. Some people would probably say to go NC which might be an option for you but in my own case I have decided to keep contact but on my terms as I feel better that way. Whenever she oversteps the mark now, I just keep a distance until I feel ready to see her again. I'm really sorry you are having all this, it is truly horrible and a very hard thing to cope with.

In your shoes I would start disentangling myself from your mum.

1. Your oh should get a new job immediately so it can't be used to control you.
2. You should move further away. You acknowledge that this would help.
3. I think you're kidding yourself that she's not harming your kids. Do you think she's respectful of you if the kids bring you up in conversation ? She could literally turn on them overnight when it's your job to protect them.
4. The constant fighting is not good for you or the kids. What do you think she tells them if the kids bring up the subject. She won't be accepting any responsibility. The falling in and out will be damaging the kids who would be better off not seeing her at all and having stability.
5. You've fallen into the trap laid by your abuser of not using the kids against her. In order to prove her wrong you are giving her access.
6. You don't use the word abuse but this is what it is. It's no different to the husband who is horrible to his wife but a delight for everyone else.

If you can't go NC yet try for moving away and going Grey rock. She will try and manipulate you and make you feel bad for decreased contact but you need to be strong and protect you and your kids from this abuse. You can't have a normal relationship with someone like this. She's too set in her ways now and you're trapped in a pattern of taking this from her. You can't make her change but you can reduce some of her control.

@LookItsMeAgain
I sometimes think that if you weren't related by blood to someone, would you actively seek them out to be your friend?

is exactly the test I apply!!

She sounds like a narcissist. It’s almost like you are writing about my Mother and the issues I have had forming relationships as an adult, due to be raised by a mean unloving narcissist.

This book and similar others have been a godsend in allowing me to better understand the affect it had on me and still does.

www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Daughters-Narcissistic-Mothers-Self-Doubt/dp/1648480098/ref=asc_df_1648480098/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=606806101675&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14297189236901129789&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006748&hvtargid=pla-1673754753964&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

My mother is also lovely to my young children and they think she’s wonderful (which secretly infuriates me!) But I worry about if she will change towards them as they become teens with opinions. I don’t think I will allow her unsupervised contact with them once they get to High School age.

She's happy to be very rude to you. So you should stand up - stop people pleasing.

If she called you controlling and ranted that nothing was ever good enough - I'd reply saying that :

"I was just letting you know what I'd packed for the kids, you are a nasty bitch for replying that I am controlling and you can go fuck yourself".

See how she likes that - call her right out and treat her in kind. After all, "everyone" already is appalled at the way you speak to her, apparently. So you might as well speak to her appallingly.

Btw I was not joking or being flippant. I really think you need to tackle this behaviour head on - meeting fire with fire. I'm an ex people pleaser.

OP I so feel for you, have exactly this kind of relationship but with the other parent. It's so exhausting and draining. I am almost at the stage of resigning from position as least favoured daughter; by god your parents fuck you up as the saying goes.

Solidarity xx

Thank you everyone for the replies, I ended up ignoring her and this morning she’s backtracked and apologised and said she’s stressed and taking it out on me. Fine I suppose but I know it will happen again. I think I just need to figure out a way to accept that I’m not going to have the type of relationship I want to have. It’s so frustrating and I’m an only child so I think that’s why I place so much importance on this relationship. It’s made me try and be the polar opposite with my own daughters…probably to the extent that I actually give too much and burn myself out as I always want to give them my time and full attention and then feel incredibly guilty if I can’t! Need to find some balance and possibly therapy which I have tried before but reached a point where I understood how my past had shaped me but I was still struggling to either accept it or distance myself.

im so afraid of history repeating itself as it so often does…my mum had a very similar relationship with her own mother (who was lovely to me…but come to think of it definitely undermined my mums parenting a lot!).

Your last paragraph is ery perceptive and important. You need to work with this insight and plot a healthier course.

And you need to get your husband on board.

@Roo747373 I could’ve written that re trying to be different with my own child. That’s testament to what a great mother you are, that you want and are trying your best to break the cycle. That will make a huge difference to your daughters and your relationship with them is unlikely to be like the one you have with your mother, as you are actively avoiding it.
not burning out is very important, I agree, specially as they become older and your relationship changes, they will challenge you more and you can only give what you have.

FWIW, I have a sister and don’t have a good relationship with her either. The kind of parenting we had led us to compete for a scarce resource (parental love and care), and we ended up also having incompatible personalities. Your daughters will probably not compete with each other for your love, from how you describe your parenting, so you’re also improving their chances of having a good relationship with each other.

What your mother is doing is the classic push and pull a narcissist does when they feel their losing their grip

@Orangepolentacake I really hope so! I try so hard and when I am short if tired or stressed I always apologise straight away and tell them it’s not their fault, they did nothing wrong mummy is just a bit grumpy and didn’t handle it the right way as I was always made to feel responsible for my mum’s ever changing moods. My daughters get on really well so far fingers crossed…I try to give both one on one time with me and their dad and even coslept with both when my youngest arrived and eldest suddenly took an interest in being back in our bed as I didn’t want her to feel pushed out. I think that helped their bond loads and my eldest is so empathetic with her little sister…unprompted she will pass her her sippy cup or give her some of her food! (Not just the bits she doesn’t like 😂). I think to have a sibling you are close to must be such a comfort especially when parents are gone. I’m sorry you’ve also struggled with this…families really do mess you up! But hopefully not forever

Wow OP, I thought I was reading someone writing about me and my mum there, so many similarities with my own child/teenager hood.

For me, I’ve come to accept (with some good impartial opinions on here) that you cannot change someone like that and their want to control or comment on your life will never go away. I don’t allow unsupervised contact with my child(soon to be ren) because I don’t want her ever to inflict herself on them how she did me, as nice as she might seem when I’m there to observe.

They will always be the victim and when you challenge them, it will always be your fault or someone else will agree with them (in my case she’d always run to my gran, then she’d turn up at our house to berate me too).

Titles don’t give anyone automatic rights to a relationship - treating people with love and respect does, of which she’s doing neither to you.