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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to ghost somebody because they have kids?

33 replies

Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 08:37

I was out for lunch with friends yesterday and we were talking about how I'd recently been 'ghosted' after sleeping with a man I liked for the second time.

Interestingly my (male) friend suggested it could be because I have young children, he recounted conversations he'd overhead from other men over the years about how a woman having children can 'frighten' them off as they don't like the idea of a ready made family.

This came as a surprise to me as I never once considered that may be the reason. He knew I had children, he'd seen me with them! (We knew each other IRL beforehand) he also said he wanted children himself at some point.

I'm a bit deflated to think that could've been the issue and I think it's a bit shitty of him if so. If women with children was such a turn off he should have made that clear from the get go.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Anchorwanker · 30/01/2023 08:40

Obviously it is unreasonable to ghost anyone for any reason. It's so rude. It is not however unreasonable to stop seeing someone for any reason even if they make a polite excuse. You know this.

LittleLegoWoman · 30/01/2023 08:40

I mean the mature thing to do would have been to say he’d been thinking and had decided a serious relationship with a women with kids was not what he wanted longterm and although he’d enjoyed seeing you it wouldn’t be fair on you to continue if you were looking for a serious relationship.

Allytheapple · 30/01/2023 08:41

There are any number of reasons as to why he ghosted you. Why would you think through them all and allow them to affect your self esteem when you will never be able to lad on the actual reason. You and he weren’t right for each other. Sometimes guys decide this, sometimes women. That doesn’t mean that there is anything particularly wrong with the individuals themselves (although of course maybe there is) but either way the pairing was wrong.

LittleLegoWoman · 30/01/2023 08:41

Or just ´this isn’t working out for me. Sorry’.
Ghosting is shit unless you’re worried the person you’re dumping will complain explode on you and there isn’t a safe way to end the relationship properly.

LastOfTheChristmasWine · 30/01/2023 08:41

Seeing as he knew you had children, what makes you think he ghosted you because you had children? Perhaps the sex was just a bit crap.

MintJulia · 30/01/2023 08:44

Ghosting for any reason is ignorant and rude. It costs nothing to ease out of a friendship politely. This man clearly failed to grow a spine, and therefore isn't any great loss.

But yes, I think lots of men avoid single mums because they find children annoying, inconvenient or just a complication they would rather avoid.

Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 08:45

LastOfTheChristmasWine · 30/01/2023 08:41

Seeing as he knew you had children, what makes you think he ghosted you because you had children? Perhaps the sex was just a bit crap.

The sex was not crap 😂

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 30/01/2023 08:48

Ghosting is never nice but I'm surprised that you're surprised that some men would prefer partners who are footloose and fancy free for a relationship rather than women with children.
I know if I was a single Childless women in the morning looking for a partner , that would be my preference. That way we could go away for weekends or out at the the drop of a hat etc.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2023 08:49

Sounds like there’s little reason to think that was the reason for it.

Ghosting is very rude and cowardly- people should just say it isn’t working for them.

Sounds more like the age old just wanting a shag rather than a relationship though?

Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 08:49

I know there's no way of knowing for sure what his reasons were, it just came as a surprise to hear a man so confidently say what he thought the problem was.

I agree ghosting is really crap. If he'd had the decency to let me know he didn't want to see me again I would've been OK with that and would've respected him being upfront. Ghosting is just cruel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 08:50

Crazycrazylady · 30/01/2023 08:48

Ghosting is never nice but I'm surprised that you're surprised that some men would prefer partners who are footloose and fancy free for a relationship rather than women with children.
I know if I was a single Childless women in the morning looking for a partner , that would be my preference. That way we could go away for weekends or out at the the drop of a hat etc.

You'd expect those men to be upfront about their deal breakers though, surely.

If I was so put off by a man having children I wouldn't get involved in the first place.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 30/01/2023 08:54

Ghosting is the cowards way out, so I wouldn't waste your time thinking about the reasons behind it and instead concentrate on thanking God you dodged a bullet.

Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 08:55

Strugglingtodomybest · 30/01/2023 08:54

Ghosting is the cowards way out, so I wouldn't waste your time thinking about the reasons behind it and instead concentrate on thanking God you dodged a bullet.

It really is isn't it. That's a good way to look at it.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 30/01/2023 08:56

Some men would still sleep with you even though you have children but don’t want to date you. That’s why. Not hard to imagine they may still want to sleep with you but not want to play step dad to another man’s kids?

Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 08:57

SpinningFloppa · 30/01/2023 08:56

Some men would still sleep with you even though you have children but don’t want to date you. That’s why. Not hard to imagine they may still want to sleep with you but not want to play step dad to another man’s kids?

Of course, but shouldn't they make it clear that's where they draw the line?

Besides I wasn't looking for a step dad for my kids, which he'd have known if he'd bothered to communicate his reservations.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 30/01/2023 08:59

Men have always been prone tp.one.or 2 dates, a shag then disappearing.

ComfortablyDazed · 30/01/2023 09:04

You have absolutely no idea that it’s because you have kids, so there’s no point fixating on this, since it may very well be something else altogether.

If I were single, there’s no way I’d get into a relationship with a man with children, but I’d be up front about it from the start.

Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 09:04

Triffid1 · 30/01/2023 08:59

Men have always been prone tp.one.or 2 dates, a shag then disappearing.

Since the dawn of time or is this something they've evolved to do over the past few decades?

OP posts:
EzzieM · 30/01/2023 09:17

Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 09:04

Since the dawn of time or is this something they've evolved to do over the past few decades?

Show quote history

Since the dawn of time

Marriage was invented for a reason ie before the man was allowed to shag the woman he had to stand up in front of everyone they both knew and say he’d be faithful and supportive and if there were any kids he’d care for them.

Not saying everyone should marry lol, just saying most men wanna shag around with no consequences and the proof is that marriage got invented at all.

Triffid1 · 30/01/2023 09:17

Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 09:04

Since the dawn of time or is this something they've evolved to do over the past few decades?

Show quote history

Dawn of time.

There's a reason our mothers (well, my generation anyway) told us not to sleep with a man on a first date etc... Grin

It's ridiculous but it's true..I am not sure there's a woman alive who hasn't had a great evening with a man, slept with him or had a good old snog session and then been completely gobsmacked when he never contacted her again!!!

Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 09:23

Good grief. I think I'll go back to being celibate. I'm not lonely enough to wade through several of those types before finding one that doesn't think like that 😂

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 30/01/2023 09:26

Your male friend is conflating two things here and making the man who ghosted you sound more noble than he really is.

1/ Men who don't want to have long term relationships with women who have children. Of course this is a thing and does slightly limit the pool of available man.

2/ Men who ghost women after sex. They will have sex with women who have children because SEX, but then they vanish.

It's fairly obvious which type your man is. Made worse by the fact that he knew you irl before doing this. I'm sorry op.

Original poster
Bigcookie30 · 30/01/2023 09:29

knittingaddict · 30/01/2023 09:26

Your male friend is conflating two things here and making the man who ghosted you sound more noble than he really is.

1/ Men who don't want to have long term relationships with women who have children. Of course this is a thing and does slightly limit the pool of available man.

2/ Men who ghost women after sex. They will have sex with women who have children because SEX, but then they vanish.

It's fairly obvious which type your man is. Made worse by the fact that he knew you irl before doing this. I'm sorry op.

Thank you, yeah it's pretty rubbish. I thought there was a mutual respect there but it appears to have been entirely one sided.

Everything happens for a reason and all that, he's likely done me a favour in the long run. Imagine seeing somebody for 6+ months and them doing it then. Grim.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2023 09:30

A lot of men are only interested until they have had sex, then lose interest and move on the next. Nothing to do with children, just no point chatting to you as he has no interest in a relationship.

TheGoogleMum · 30/01/2023 09:36

I think plenty of men aren't keen on women with kids, but I'd expect those ones to not date you in the first place. Sounds to me like hewas just after sex tbh unfortunately

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