To be so ashamed of how I look and how I present?

[TheLostNights]

Thin and lanky hair which I have to style creatively to stop myself looking like I have no hair at the back.
Very long nose.
Long shaped face.
Fat cheeks.
Ears which are so small that I can't wear my hair up as everyone comments.
Flatchested.
Pale.
Stumpy and short legs.
Moles all over arms.
Get told I look like a child despite nearly approaching my 40's.
Get asked often if I live at home or with parents as I am either so ugly they assume I am single or because I look like a kid.
Odd voice which everyone comments on.

I am just tired of being so ugly and odd. I'm married with kids but in all honesty, the marriage is on rocky ground too. Aibu to just wish I could be ok looking and like others my age?

I'm sure you don't look as bad as you think you fo op!
Please try to be kind to yourself and do some things to make yourself feel better about yourself.
Go for a swim.
Have a massage.
Eat nourishing food.
Get a fab haircut from a posh hairdresser.
Do something you enjoy with your friends.

Well, sorry to be blunt, but short of radical surgery, you can’t change most of that. You are who you are, learn to love yourself, if you don’t, you can’t expect anyone else to love you. The only thing you can change its how you feel, sounds like you have some negative thoughts about yourself. Therapy, eg CBT, might help?

I’m so sorry you feel this way.

But…no one is perfect.

I could easily write out a list of all my flaws, but they don’t bother me because I am happy and content within myself.

I agree with a PP that counselling might be beneficial.

Or you could stop focusing on your looks, and instead focus on building your confidence and nourishing the qualities you possess on the inside.

Everyone wants a skinny thin figure and no boobs right now. It's so in. Not wearing bras and V cut tops. I wish!

I use tan drops with a moisturizer every few days and it makes me feel so much prettier as I'm very pale and urgh.

Eye liner, eye shadow, subtle makeup will change you completely.

Change your hair. Look for inspiration.

Change your clothes. Good shape wear leggings and sports clothes do wonders for my post natal body. Sucks the wobbly bits in.

If you're THAT determined, get mega fit and become a health nut. I wish I had the will power.

All of this is might make you feel a BIT better, as it does me, but I'm still insecure and struggle hugely. That's the problem - as others have said, address that. Don't end up like me! You're beautiful as you are. I know it's hard to believe.

Work on your marriage. Trust me. Make the effort. Losing physical intimacy broke down my marriage as the lack of closeness started to seep into other areas of our life. I think it was partly due my low self esteem, not all my fault but partly.

Bless you. I really hope you cheer up, you are beautiful and I'm sure your kids and husband love you very much xx

There's nothing wrong with the way you look. There's everything wrong with the way you see yourself.

There's a world of difference between the two - can you appreciate that?

Thin hair? Get it cut and fluffed out a bit. Longer layers help to give it some fluff (unlike none or a short cut)/ If it's really bothering you, add a removable halo hairpiece.

Your nose balances out the rest of your face.

Your cheeks look make you look healthy and youthful and help balance the length of your face.

If people say you genuinely look young, it means you look healthy.

Small ears? Who cares? (said as somebody with a congenital deformity on one side that nobody has ever commented on in my entire life).

Flat chested? They won't look saggy and deflated, then.

Pale? Get a spray tan, then. Or sweep a bit of blusher across your cheeks and nose and the lightest shade of bronzer around the sides.

Moles all over arms? So what?

Short legs? Apart from it being a pain in the arse trying to get trousers to fit M&S I'm looking at you with your new so called short leg length here, as long as they reach the ground when you stand up, they're just the right length.

There's stuff you can do something about, there's stuff you can't and most of all, there's stuff that you're criticising that could easily be things that make you attractive or at worst, perfectly normal in the way that most people are distinctively themselves and not everybody else.

Grow up and stop looking at social media, which is anything but!

Please don’t be so mean to yourself. I bet no one sees the list you have made to yourself.

I often focus on the negatives on my looks too and it is so pointless. I find doing small things to fix the problems only I see really helps for confidence. I have hair extensions I’ve work for 10 years (see a specialist for thin hair). I make sure I try and focus on one thing I do like about my looks and just know the other issues are mine not how others see you

I dont know how you look OP, but regarding the ear thing, you must be kidding.

I am so grateful everyday that I was blessed with tiny, cute ears. I noticed that ALOT of people, even women, tend to have massive ears and its such a turn off.

I love Jacinda Ardern for example but recently saw a pic of hers and realized how looong her ear lobes are. Bless her.

So if there is ONE thing you can take solace in, trust me, having small ears are very cute

I think there are ways to prop women up, without putting women down.

I can't imagine many people find larger ears a turn off, and women certainly don't need one more body part to obsess over.

Calm down. I have every right to state what I consider to be attractive or not.

Dont know who appointed you HeadMistress but go try your censorship somewhere else 🙄

No one was censoring you @LoekMa , just pointing out that it’s not great when women are bitches to and about each other.

Well cheers for insulting others to bring someone else up

Although just read your replies above. Can I be a twat and then go and waaaaa don’t censor mueee 🤣

🙄

Seems like alot of ears are ringing.

Hit dogs and what not

Op, it sounds like you are very down on yourself. People don’t see you how you see you.

But I get it, I feel pretty much the same. But I decided to do something about it. I am eating better (not great but better) and cutting out old habits if they are good. I am buying a new outfit (not expensive) for work every month. Started a weekly exercise class and started looking after my skin. I wanted to do more but decided to start small.

I started with skin care. Didn’t spend a fortune. But it made me feel like I am investing in myself. Then I got my hair done. How I look isn’t the be all and end all. But investing in small things that gave me a pick me up, really helped.

You need to learn to be kinder to yourself. Talk to yourself like you would talk to others. You wouldn’t talk about other so unkindly. You look at others and see the positives, not the negatives.

I hope you feel better soon.

Some people are odder or uglier than others (and there's nothing wrong with that) but the reason I think this may be made worse by your own perception (which seeps into your attitude, which may lead people to assume things negatively about you) is the small ears point.

I doubt any of the people commenting think negatively of it. Most people don't comment out loud on negative aspects of appearance. They might even think of it as a compliment. Small ears are dainty and nice.

Everyone has a few unattractive features but based on the length of your list, could you be taking every single "unique" feature (as no one looks exactly the same) about you and enlarging it into something negative? Not to say you're necessarily good looking by external societal standards – to me there's no point pretending everyone is – but I don't think you're quite the Quasimodo you see in the mirror. Very few people have that many things "wrong" with them.

I think you sound very down on yourself. Have you considered having some therapy? Your dh loved you enough to marry you. Our external bodies are the packaging. The present inside (ie you) doesn’t reflect it.

But what you’ve essentially said to the OP is: “Don’t worry, people will randomly judge your body parts – here’s an example! Sure you lucked out with the ears but plenty of other stuff to judge!” It’s horrible.

I’d get on board with the ears and get a hair cut. And maybe get out of your unhappy marriage.

Well a lot of those things apply to me too. There's not much I can do about them though. I still struggle with self esteem somewhat but care less about it than I used too. The only thing I get comments on really is my age, everyone is shocked cause my face makes me look like a kid, It's frustrating but noones perfect. Everyone has their flaws.

How helpful. The OP doesn't mention social media and is obviously having a tough time ffs.

OP- you're being really hard on yourself. The things you see as a big problem, no one else will even notice. We all see our flaws as huge issues so we don't really have time to notice anyone else's.
As I'm writing this I know I let my own hang ups get to me, so I know how you feel!

As a pp mentioned some CBT might help. Could your relationship be contributing to your self-esteem if it's not in a good place?

In the first instance, if you're not happy with your hair, visit a good stylist and chat about your options?

You are an absolutely horrible person @LoekMa

The older I get, the more I LOVE seeing normal/quirky/unusual faces

It’s been a fairly recent phenomena we’ve seen identi-kit insta faces - you only need to watch a re-run from the 90s/early 2000s to see the “gorgeous woman” was obviously lovely-looking, BUT not out-of-this-world “perfect”. Footballers wives (of all things!) is a great example of this.

trust me, there are others out there like me, instantly drawn to regular faces - and fuck anyone telling you what you can/cannot do with your looks.

eg I LOVE red/dark lipstick on my “thin, mean, small” lips.