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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband issues

34 replies

Kelwar · 29/01/2023 21:33

Hi guys.. I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this.. if you think I’m being a div please be kind with that feedback lol..
so I’ve been married for 15 years.. 2 kids.. we’re both middle aged.. our marriage has been hard work recently.. I feel like DH doesn’t communicate very often and hasn’t shown much interest in my life in general.
he recently mentioned to our friends that a lady from his working past (over 22 years ago) had got in touch with him to get contact details for another mutual friend.. I thought this was a bit strange seeing as this person she was looking for is very easy to find on social media.. thinking that she was getting in touch for the wrong reasons I pressed him to see the messages which he did show me.. but what I discovered was that he has started writing to her first.. I find this a little shady seeing as they weren’t great pals all those years ago and she’s incredibly gorgeous.. I felt he was writing to her to get a response in a test the water type way.. he was incredibly defensive and annoyed with me for questioning his integrity.. then he followed up with ‘if you really want to be worried about other women, you should be worried about loads of women I’ve worked
wiyh over the years because loads of them have offered it to me on a plate and I haven’t done anything.. and where I work now there are women who want me!’
I was so gobsmacked I honestly didn’t know how to respond.. and now I’m wondering if this man is actually as nice as I thought he was.. it absolutely crushed me him saying that and I don’t really know what to do. Any thoughts on how I should move forward with this ?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 29/01/2023 22:15

He sounds awful, besides being a liar, does he have any redeeming qualities?

Nowthatlovehasperished · 29/01/2023 22:18

So his reaction smacks of guilt in my opinion.

He is deflecting.

Cherrysoup · 29/01/2023 22:22

What an arsehole. If my Dh said that, I’d wave him bye bye.

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 22:40

I am starting to wonder… to me an innocent person would put my mind at rest.. I am naturally a suspicious insecure person because of my history so he knows that would really hurt me.. should I say goodbye to this marriage.. I just can’t see how I’m going to move forward now he’s said that

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Roundabout78 · 29/01/2023 22:47

ahh sorry OP, that’s no way to treat someone you love. Why would he want you to feel suspicious and insecure? Really terrible of him to say that.

K37529 · 29/01/2023 22:48

You say he started to write to her first, did he give any explanation to this?

Rosei · 29/01/2023 22:50

What did his first message to her say?

Arsepants · 29/01/2023 22:51

What an arse you are married to

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 22:51

I asked him why he felt he needed to write to he and his response was
‘she contacted me first by adding me as a friend on fb so the natural thing to do was to write and say hi!’ I responded that o didn’t think that writing to her was a normal thing to do seeing as they weren’t great mates in the first place.. he then wanted my phone to go through my messages ..Pleeease..

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Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 22:53

It wasn’t overly flirty in all honesty but I don’t think a first message would be.. it just mentioned him still keeping in touch with various people from their old work and that he’s noticed her other half was a plumber and we might need a plumber.. I thought it was strange he’s obviously gone through her partners Facebook and had a good look at his profile as it’s not obvious he’s a plumber until you scroll right through his feeds…

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BatshitBanshee · 29/01/2023 22:54

Tbh I'd find it very hard not to say "Loads of women want you, do they? Well off you pop, go get em tiger."

And an innocent person wouldn't try to put your mind to rest; a decent honest husband would. Your H is neither.

K37529 · 29/01/2023 23:04

He is deflecting that's why he wants to go through your phone. I don't think I could trust him again, it's not actually what he's done, messaging someone who sent you a friend's request a friendly hello isn't that big a deal tbh. Its his reaction, he has either done something or he wanted something to happen imo.

Rosei · 29/01/2023 23:06

Kelwar · 29/01/2023 22:51

I asked him why he felt he needed to write to he and his response was
‘she contacted me first by adding me as a friend on fb so the natural thing to do was to write and say hi!’ I responded that o didn’t think that writing to her was a normal thing to do seeing as they weren’t great mates in the first place.. he then wanted my phone to go through my messages ..Pleeease..

Hes done nothing wrong, your jealousy seems to be the problem here

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 23:07

I agree

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JudgeRudy · 29/01/2023 23:07

Very odd on the face of it but you mentioned your esteem and passed experiences. Are you insecure? Have you asked to look through his phone before?
How did you find out this woman has asked for colleagues contact details? Did he just mention it? Then you question how/why he's still in touch. You've seen the messages. Nothing untoward. He's responded to her friends request with presumably a safe Hi, long time no see. How are you...and you feel that's him contacting her. So either you've asked/insisted or he's felt the need, but either way you've read his private boring messages and he's said Can I read yours now. He's blown his top and basically said, look if I was gonna cheat I'd have done it by now.
That response hasn't helped put your mind at rest and now you're off which each other. You feel like shit n think he might have something to hide, he's maybe thinking not this again.
Of course it could be nothing like that, just playing devil's advocate. Are you insecure? Do you get possessive.? You know it's not normal to read each others messages right?

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 23:11

Yes I’m insecure for sure.. I appreciate it probably upset him if he genuinely has t done anything.. but the response seemed so ott

OP posts:
Rosei · 29/01/2023 23:11

It was a response showing he's pissed off with your daft accusations....

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 23:12

Ok thanks

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Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 23:19

Thanks for your well thought out response.. you’re right on so many levels.. the reason i questioned it was because the friend we were with asked why on earth this woman was getting in touch after 22 years.. (she knows her too) .. I probably wouldn’t have thought about it otherwise.. but he still didn’t say at that stage it was actually he who message first..

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Rosei · 29/01/2023 23:21

You're getting hung up on him messaging first....she friend requested him, she made the first contact, so she contacted him first! He has politely said hi, it's really not that deep unless you have trust issues.

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 23:24

Actually I’m more annoyed with the way he spoke to me about all the women who want him.. i personally don’t see that adding someone as a friend automatically means you become penpals.. he even said he hardly knew her from work.. biy
yep.. I do have trust issues I’ve not lied about that

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Sometim · 29/01/2023 23:29

Just curious....how did you want him to speak to you when you are accusing him of things and wanting to see his phone, and you've seen yourself there was nothing in his messages? People say things in anger, I'd be so angry with my husband if he said the stuff to me that you have to your husband, because I know I'm innocent and love him to bits. Are you suggesting you're innocent and it's only him that's spoken out of turn?

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 23:30

No.. that’s why I’m here asking if I’m being a div…

OP posts:
Rosei · 29/01/2023 23:30

Sometim · 29/01/2023 23:29

Just curious....how did you want him to speak to you when you are accusing him of things and wanting to see his phone, and you've seen yourself there was nothing in his messages? People say things in anger, I'd be so angry with my husband if he said the stuff to me that you have to your husband, because I know I'm innocent and love him to bits. Are you suggesting you're innocent and it's only him that's spoken out of turn?

I agree with this

Original poster
Kelwar · 29/01/2023 23:31

It’s good to get all sides.. so thank you

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